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Everything was in place for Jasmine’s surgery.
Everyone in the hospital was whispering about it, and Adrian had carefully chosen an elite team for the operation. I had the honor that no other intern did of watching the whole thing happen from the OR itself, and yet I couldn’t get myself to focus.
He had died, Tucker, and I had watched it happen. Of course, I’d known death was a very real possibility in the hospital, and I had thought I was prepared for that eventuality. I thought that I’d be able to handle it, and at least not be a mess.
Instead, I was hiding. I was in the basement next to the laundry bins, only a few feet away from the morgue where I had dropped off the body—Tucker. It was quiet and cool down there, and I slid to the floor, letting my head rest on the wall behind me.
I was a coward and I admitted it to myself. I had left Jonah and the crash team to face the woman who had burst in, eyes frantic, with a pre-teen following close behind and clutching the hand of a kid who was barely out of diapers. I couldn’t stay and watch what was going to happen. The wail of despair I’d heard as I walked away was too much already, and so I found myself borderline panicking in the basement, with tears streaming down my face and my hands clasped around my knees. Everything was awful. I had to get myself together. I couldn’t miss the opportunity to be in the theater for what was about to happen, but I just felt so...conflicted.
I breathed in and out, trying to open up an airway that felt increasingly tight. I let out a whimper, and let my head fall onto my knees. I had no energy to get up and certainly didn’t have the energy to walk up to the OR and stand there for hours, watching Adrian working over Jasmine.
“What the hell is wrong with me?” I groaned.
This was all I ever wanted.
“You’re an intern,” a voice came.
I looked up and, where I was sandwiched between two of the massive laundry dumpsters, Adrian appeared. His face was soft, searching mine. I wanted to let all my walls down, tell him why he scared me so much, why I was so afraid of letting him in.
“So, I won’t be a mess in a year?” I asked with a watery voice.
Adrian wedged himself in next to me, and the proximity was suffocating to my already labored breaths.
“Nah, you’ll still be a mess, and every death is going to hit you differently. But the longer you’re a doctor, the easier it will be to process the losses.”
I stared up at the ceiling, still unable to believe I had reacted so badly to the death of a man I hadn’t even really met.
“This sucks,” I said, still watching the ceiling.
I held back more tears, but they were obvious in my voice. Without saying anything, Adrian pulled me into his lap, and I broke. I tucked my head into his neck, which smelled of lemon soap. I let tears pour down my face and couldn’t even get out the words to apologize for getting tears on his scrubs. His arms were strong around me, comforting. I just let my body melt against him and was unsurprised to find that we fit together perfectly. Of course, we did, because there couldn’t be a single thing that could possibly give me a reason not to fall for him. So, I forgot it all and for a moment, just let myself be vulnerable.
“It does suck,” he agreed.
A hand of his reached up to card through my hair, and the motion was so calming that my tears slowed and then stopped. I left my face in his neck just a little bit longer, because there, I was safe from reality. All I had to do when I was wrapped in his arms was breathe and exist. Moments stretched into eternities, and it was still just him and me, and it made me think that I could do it. I could get up and be a doctor as long as I had those arms to come back to at the end of everything.
Of course, then I remembered.
“Aren’t you going to be late for Jasmine’s surgery?” I asked.
I tilted my face up to see Adrian’s, and there was no denying the worry in his face.
“We’ve got a couple minutes,” he said slowly.
“In which you have to scrub in and prepare yourself mentally!”
I pulled myself out of his arms and folded the hurt about Tucker into a nice little box where I could further explore it if I ever had time. I stood and dragged the man to his feet.
“I’m not going without you,” Adrian stated.
“You would,” I countered.
He bit his lip.
“Yeah, I would. I mean, it’s herlife,you know?”
“And that’s why I like you so much.”
The words slipped out before I could hold them back, before I could register what my mouth was saying. It was too late, I’d ruined everything and—
