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Where she had looked tense even in sleep previously, Kayla now looked calm. I hoped she was finally getting some rest. I needed some rest as well. My whole body ached from three night shifts in a row, but it was more than that. I wasn’t sleeping when the daylight hours rolled around, my mind too preoccupied with the pain I’d glimpsed in Adrian’s eyes for it to shut off and let me sleep. Being on shift wasn’t the time for that though, so I left the sleeping girl and her mother.
As I headed back out of the ward, I passed Adrian’s office. It was locked up for the night, but the events that had transpired there played on a loop in my mind. The way he’d extinguished my anger at my father just by being near me had been admirable. In the memory, he had an almost saint-like glow around him, and I had to do my best to remember that he had used me and then thrown me away. At least, that’s what I had been confident had happened before I’d seen the look in his eyes.
I walked back into the stairwell, and with my pager silent, I decided to head to the surgical board. I hadn’t been scheduled in the recent past, but we’d had an uptick in planned surgeries, so I was hoping my drought was reaching its end.
Of course, what Ihadn’tbeen hoping for was to be trapped for four hours with Adrian while he performed a CABG procedure. Like an actor in a bad movie, I actually groaned and hit myself in the face.
“Careful, you can’t afford to lose any more brain cells,” Jack’s familiar voice said.
I glanced over at him, unsurprised that he had also decided to take a trip down to the board. He was going to be happy—he was scheduled for a syndesmosis reconstruction and hardware removal. It read on his face just how pleased he was. If he hadn’t lookedquiteso ecstatic, I would have considered asking him to switch with me.
Then it occurred to me. I would be stuck forfour hoursin a room with Adrian. He would have almost no option but to speak to me. Sure, it would be in a room with an entire surgical team, but I could try my damned best. Plus, it looked like the only opportunity I was going to get. I tucked the small sliver of hope away, refusing to feed it in case it all went wrong.
To all our surprise, the night passed uneventfully. No one under our care crashed or needed anything more drastic than a bandage change. I went home, stared at my ceiling, slept formaybefour hours, and then binge-watched Grey’s Anatomy because there was nothing more satisfying than mentally picking out all the medical errors. The space between a night shift and a day shift always made me feel wonky, but I did my best to sleep again and managed to rack up five additional hours before my alarm went off.
It shouldn’t have mattered to me how I looked. No one in the hospital cared as long as I looked professional, and in the OR I would be gowned and masked. Nevertheless, I swiped mascara over my lids and traded out my usual lip balm for a slightly tinted one. I considered dabbing concealer over the dark circles under my eyes, but it would only be wiped off the moment I touched my face.
I headed into work with a more optimistic outlook than I’d had in recent history. I tried repeating to myself that there was a good chance nothing would change, but that hope continued to blossom and bloom in my chest like a flower destined to kill me.
Before the surgery, scheduled for two in the afternoon, I had to do everything else. Jack noticed my upbeat attitude and commented on it while we helped Jonah set bones in the ER.
“So, what’s got you so happy?” he asked.
“Oh, nothing,” I murmured, “just a good day, I guess. Got more sleep than usual.”
“Yeah, night shifts wreck me too,” Jack agreed. “Hey, I was going to ask—are you free after work?”
I froze, hands stilling and looked at my new friend. Was he asking me on a date? Because while I didn’t want to lose him, I also couldn’t handle being asked out right at that moment.
“Like...a date?” I asked cautiously.
“Hey, save the romance for your breaks,” Jonah directed. “We’re with a patient.”
He clicked his tongue in annoyance, but I knew it would roll right off of him. Nevertheless, we couldn’t speak anymore, and I was stuck there, terrified that I had just been handed another thing to worry about.
Jack went off to his syndesmosis repair, and I drank coffee by myself in the cafeteria. How thehellwas I supposed to consider one more thing? I already had Adrian, my patients, my growing exhaustion, and the fact that in a little more than six months, I’d hopefully be a fully-fledged resident. And that residency would hopefully take me down the road to cardiothoracics—Adrian’s department.
I should have been excited about seeing the inside of the OR again. It was completely rare and unheard of for an intern like me to have been allowed onto Jasmine’s case. It crossed my mind briefly that maybe there was the special treatment everyone whispered about, but I put the thought to the back of my mind. I couldn’t handle any more.
Yeah, I should have been excited to see the OR again, but as I was tracking down Jack after drawing stat labs, I overheard something that I definitelyshouldn’thave.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. Come on.”
“She didn’t get to observe a CABG when she was on your service, and I think it would be a good learning experience for her.”
“Jo, she’s fine. She’s a ridiculously talented young doctor, and there will be a million more for her to view. Just—I don’t know, swap her with one of yours for the day?”
“No can do, my friend,” Jonah’s voice said nonchalantly. “I need that Lehaney kid on full form—he’s bright, and I’m hoping he’ll stick with orthopedics when he needs to make his choice.”
“Wait—Lehaney? Isn’t he the one that always looks like he just woke up?”
“Yep, but he’s got a good eye for ortho, and he’s not afraid to get down and dirty with us. Besides, Christophers is in love with cardio, so why the hell do you want her off your service? You should be grooming her for a future there!”
“It’s nothing.”
It was Jonah and Adrian, and they clearly hadn’t seen me through the criss-crossed barrier between the food line and the seating area. I scanned the area quickly to confirm that Jack was nowhere in sight and left. It was only an hour before the surgery, and Adrian was trying to trade me off his service? The hopeful light in my chest dimmed, almost extinguishing completely. Whatever I had done to offend him, apparently it was serious enough to warrant him not even wanting to see me. Maybe I’d have to consider a change of specialty in the near future.
With no time left to waste, I headed towards the scrub room, wondering why the hell I couldn’t be excited about being involved with a CABG procedure all because of a guy.
