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“Because she’s worried a relationship could damage her career,” he moaned.
I snorted into my glass and came up coughing. I tried to cover it and was thankful that Jack was focused on his own glass.
“Who’s worried about their career?” Dylan asked, sliding into the booth beside Jack.
“Jennifer!” he cried.
I didn’t know any Jennifers and wondered who he could have possibly been talking about. I figured she must work in the hospital because how else would a relationship affect her career?
“Is she one of the doctors?” I probed further, “the interns?”
Jack just nodded, now pouting like some dejected puppy. It pulled me from my own sorrows over Adrian for a brief moment. I had felt so alone and unique in my struggles, when I should have guessed that there was love lost and gained all over the hospital—we weren’t special, we were a product of spending too much time in each other’s presence.
“Damn, Jackie,” Dylan sighed, throwing his arm around my friend, “sorry she’s choosing the job over you, but you know, you’re young. Either you can wait for her, or you’ll find someone else.”
“But that’s the problem!” Jack kept going. “There’s always one more thing she’ll have to prioritize! Internship, and then residency, fellowship, and then if she becomes an attending, we’ll be able to be together when we’re—what—in our late thirties?”
Jack had a point. It was the way it was with doctors, though, and many of us found it hard to settle down because of our dedication to our careers. I tried to imagine waiting that long, living in my bare apartment, getting up, going to work, and coming home to an empty space that I didn’t dare live in enough to call my own. Suddenly, the years stretched out in front of me, and they were lonely. I would progress in my career, do well, do everything I had ever expected of myself, but could I do it alone? When I lived with my mother, I had prayed for that kind of solitude—to be alone without the rambunctious noise that accompanied my brothers’ presence.
“Don’t wait for her,” I said, and Jack frowned, “but don’t give up on her, either. Give her some time and try to show her that maybe you can work together without jeopardizing her career. Only offer what you can, Jack—you don’t want to steamroll yourself when paving the way for her.”
“Thanks, guys,” Jack just replied, his eyes misty.
I wondered who his mysterious Jennifer was, and if there wasn’t a chance that I could have made things work with Adrian, if I’d only tried a little harder.
* * *
I hated the person I’d become.
I was jealous of Melissa, of the ease with which she came to the hospital to meet Adrian, and how everyone knew her relation to him. She could be open about her intentions. She didn’t have to work to keep secrets, and it showed on her face. She was happy with him. She smiled adoringly and held onto his arm as they left for the evening together. Her job was already in a place where she didn’t have to worry about her value to the company, and that only made me more jealous. To top it off, she was stunning. She had dark blonde hair with chestnut lowlights and a proud kind of face. Her cheekbones were as high as any Egyptian queen, and she walked with purpose. She was always wearing some kind of fashionable business wear, from pant suits to pencil skirts, and she looked powerful in all of them. Everything about her screamed confidence and power, and her very presence commanded attention. I knew I had a fiery soul, but I hadn’t mastered the ability to make people stop and listen when I entered a room. I wore scrubs day in and day out, and as much as they were comfortable, I wished they gave me a stronger look than they managed.
After I met her for the first time, I’d spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom, wondering what I could do to make myself look more like her. Taller, more confident, overall justbetter. Then, I decided I was never going to look like her, and it was better for Adrian that I stopped trying and was just happy for him.
That was easier said than done.
* * *
I said goodnight to Dylan, walked Jack home to his apartment, and made him promise to drink some water before I headed back to my own place.
I went through all the motions of changing, washing my face, brushing my teeth, and finally crawling into bed. But I just lay on my side, staring out the same window that had been my companion through many of my sleepless nights I spent angsting over Adrian. I told myself he wasn’t mine to angst over, that I had given him up, and that it was my own damn fault. He was happy with Melissa, and I had no place in compromising that happiness.
He was happy with Melissa, and I had no place in compromising that happiness.
He was happy with Melissa, and I had no place in compromising that happiness.
No matter how many times I said it to myself, it left a bitter taste in the back of my throat.
* * *
The next day, I woke up with an action plan.
If Adrian could move on, so would I. I dressed and walked into work the next morning decidedly exhausted, but with a plan forming in my head. I walked into the locker room, strode up to one of the interns, an intern by the name of George Hale, and tapped him twice on the shoulder as he was placing things in his locker.
He turned to look at me, curiosity in his eyes, and I remembered the way he’d looked at me, eyed me up whenever we saw each other. He was handsome enough, with dark eyes, dark hair, and an olive complexion. He was tall, with shoulders broader than Adrian’s, and I’d heard even the older doctors fawn over just how attractive he was.
“Do you want to go out some time?” I asked before I could talk myself out of it.
I didn’t expect the confident young man to smile shyly at me. It was a happy look, though, and something in my heart blossomed and made me think that maybe I’d be able to enjoy an evening with him.
