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“Ugh,fine, but at least come back to the house. We can drink and chat.”
“I’d really rather go back to my own.”
“Evelyn Stearns,” Hannah growled in a threatening voice, “Get over yourself and get in the damn car.”
I glanced away and muttered something under my breath about homework. She obviously didn’t buy it.
“I also bought Chinese,” she offered in a cheerier voice.
I was at war with myself over the temptation. I wanted nothing more than to eat Chinese food next to her fire pit and drink, but I also knew that I couldn’t be sure that I’d avoid running into Julian.
In the end, Chinese food won. When I was curled up in a blanket next to the fire pit, I couldn’t bring myself to regret it - especially with General Tso’s chicken sitting pleasantly in my stomach. I swigged back the last of my drink, vodka, and Coke, and looked around to find we were out of Coke.
“Oh no,” I murmured.
Hannah looked up with bleary eyes and saw what I was talking about.
“Oh no,” she echoed.
“I’ll go get more,” I grunted.
I wasn’t thinking properly, or I never would have offered. Instead, I went inside with my blanket trailing behind me and took the elevator to the ground floor. When I stepped out though, I heard a discussion happening inside the kitchen. I hopped down a couple of stairs so that no one would see me, and like any good tipsy student, tried to eavesdrop.
“She’s just so damn frustrating, Ruth!”
It was Julian, and he was the only voice I could hear, but I was confused. Ruth was the name of Hannah’s mom. She was dead. Did he know another Ruth?
“She just keeps showing up, and every single time, I feel my self-control slip a little more! The party was a goddamn accident, and I hope she believed what I said, but what if I slip when she’s sober? I can’t always rely on her being drunk and forgetful!”
He was talking aboutme, and it didn’t sound favorable.
“I wish she would just go somewhere else, honestly, it would make my life so much easier.”
I’d heard enough, but thankfully, Julian appeared to be done speaking, because he left the kitchen. I entered but only found one empty tumbler on the side by the sink. Did he regularly talk to his dead wife? Despite his unsavory words, this gave me a sense of kinship with him—I spoke to my mother whenever I needed advice, or just plain missed her. In my mind’s eye, she was shaking her head and telling me that what I’d heard was a misunderstanding. I hoped she was right. I grabbed the Coke and headed back up the stairs.
Hannah was asleep when I reached the top, so I herded her to bed. I lay awake next to her, feeling that heaviness still alive and well in my heart. It felt like I was living with a beating rock inside of my chest.Hethought it was hard with me around? He obviously had no idea how painful unrequited feelings were then. I went through a mental list of all the boys I had classes with, hoping to find at least one of them matching up to what was quickly becoming my very specific criteria. None of them were up to par though, and it was disappointing. If I could at least have feelings for someone that wouldn’t drive a wedge between my best friend and I, I’d be eternally happy.
In the morning, it all seemed like a bad dream.
I could hardly recall Julian’s words in my hazy, tipsy memory, and I convinced myself that I had just been paranoid. I didn’t even know if he’d been talking about me. I told myself this again, and again, and once more as I raced to my classes with Hannah. I sat through our Intro to Chemistry class without even taking notes, and afterward, had to listen to the lecture again. Fortunately, I had recorded it on my phone. When we headed to the library, I sat with my books open but didn’t even look at them. I was completely absent from everything, up until the moment Hannah threw a pen at me.
“What was that for?” I whined
“Because you’re distracted! What’s up?”
Her tone was a little deadpan, but her eyes were genuinely concerned.
“Does your dad hate me?” I asked bluntly.
Usually, she’d tell me that ofcoursehe didn’t, and she didn’t really get why he acted weird around me, but this time, she glanced away. I probed for more, and my friend finally spilled.
“At the party he was mad. Like really mad? Like I know I told you he wouldn’t care about you kissing Mike, but he was weirdly tense after seeing the two of you making out? He told me I needed to keep you in check, which isobviouslyridiculous because it was your birthday and we were all drunk.”
I sighed and buried my head in my hands.
“I don’t have the brain space for this,” I groaned.
“So don’t think about it!” Hannah said like it was that easy.
