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Then I lay in bed, just wishing. I wished I could hold him and be held by him. I wished he wasn’t Hannah’s father and that we’d met somewhere mundane, like a bar. I wished I wasn’t relying on his kindness for this job, and I wished that I couldn’t fuck it all up by wanting him. I wished for a lot of things that night, but mostly I wished he was next to me in bed. I lay there, staring up at the ceiling, and wishing all those things. One arm was tucked behind my head, and one arm was gently tapping the curiously loose headboard against the wall. The slight knocking was a soothing sound somehow, and I hoped Julian didn’t hear it from his room. I did this until my eyes got heavy, and finally,finally,I drifted off to dreamland.
I was grateful for my position, but I was also worried. I’d never been a maid or a cleaner of any sort, and I knew that the rest of his employees were qualified in their fields. I had nightmares that night, about holding the other maids back, and about not getting on with them. In my nightmare, though it wasn’t Victoria reaming me out, but Garth, his beady eyes glaring pinpoints of hatred into me.
I felt the fear pour out of my throat, but it wasn’t a sob that came out, but a shout. Garth put his hands around my neck, and in the background, wearing a chef’s uniform, was my father.
“Family only means I was unlucky enough to be related to you,” he growled, “Only means that some bigwig people said I had to feed and clothe you for eighteen years. Never had to like you.”
Garth’s eyes sparkled with malintent, and I knew this was it, that he would finally kill me and then—
My mother’s hands. Her skin almost translucent and bruises blooming along her forearms, these were my mother’s hands. I traced the moles on the back I knew so well and looked into her eyes.
“My beautiful, Evelyn,” she said softly, “You’ve grown up.”
She ran a hand down my face, her cool touch lingering on my skin.
“Momma,” I moaned, burying my head in her chest carefully, “I’ve missed you so much.”
I always had to be careful about hugging her when I was little. There were ports and tubes that it would hurt if I dislodged them, but in my dream, she was whole.
“I know, my darling girl, I know.”
She stroked my hair, running her fingers through it and teasing out the snarls the way she used to when I was young. I looked up at her, and her brown eyes were much softer than mine had ever been. They bore into me with the same kind of intensity I had occasionally seen in the mirror.
“I can’t stay,” she said to me, “But you should know that everything will be okay.”
“How, Momma?” I asked.
“He loves you too, beautiful girl, and his daughter, if she truly loves you, will understand.”
She lay down then, her grip relaxing, and I recognized where we were. It was the hospital again, and nurses were rushing in with doctors. Someone pulled me off of her while I screamed, and I was much smaller, too small to fight. I was dumped in the hallway, and I couldn’t see Ms. Lawe, my social worker, anywhere. I lay there for a moment, wondering if this was all happening again, before I got up and hammered my hands on the door to the room. Tears poured down my face and I had to get back to my mother, I justhadto, because I couldn’t let this happen again. I pushed and pushed on the door, and it finally opened.
I woke up with sweat on my skin and tears pouring down my face. I wiped them away and shuddered when my door opened. There was someone standing there, and it definitely wasn’t Hannah. I could make out the line of him in the light, and I knew it was Julian.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“You were having a nightmare,” he said simply.
Then he came into my room, shutting the door behind him. He climbed into the unoccupied side of the bed, and lay down. There were no words needed for this. He pulled me closer to his chest, until I was flush against it, his warmth burning through both our layers of clothes to heat my whole body.
I couldn’t speak, could barely breathe. I was scared that if I moved, he’d disappear. I curled into him and lay as still as I could, scared that whatever was between us might shatter if I made so much as the wrong move. His presence was soothing, and it held back the fear of losing my mother again that had been curdling in my stomach. I closed my eyes, and this time, when I fell asleep, I only dreamed of good things.
When I woke up, he was gone. The left side of the bed was cold, and all traces of the man who’d held me so close in the darkness had evaporated. I got up, trying to clear the cobwebs from my head. I could feel the pressure above my eyes from crying last night, and when I looked in the mirror, I was a blotchy mess, with wrinkles etched into one side of my face by the pillow. I could still feel Julian’s chest, hard against my back, as he pulled me into him. The feeling of his hand around my waist and the memory of falling asleep to the sound of his breath in my ear was something tantalizing.
I had to move on though. I knew that whatever that lapse in control had been, Julian wouldn’t allow it to happen again. I had to move on. I started to get dressed for the day but stopped halfway, my hands pulled behind my back to fasten my bra. I turned slowly, staring at the clothing I’d left on the chair in the corner of the room the night before. It was a black housekeeping dress, with gray paneling down the sides and a gray collar.
I was starting work today. It was surreal to think about working in the place that had become my second (and now only) home. I slipped the dress over my head and made sure it fell like it was supposed to. I’d seen all the other maids wear the same thing time and again, but I couldn’t remember it ever looking that frumpy on them. I figured it was all down to interpretation, and besides, my job was to clean, not to look good. I slipped on a pair of tennis shoes that had been provided with the uniform and headed downstairs. I met Victoria in the kitchen, where she was eating a piece of toast with what looked like Andrew’s phenomenal strawberry and basil jam on it. I was handed a similar breakfast and took my seat next to Victoria.
“So, you’re joining us?” she asked.
“Yep,” I said as brightly as I could.
“Nice,” Victoria said, “It’s just the two of us today—everyone else has the day off, so I’ll be grateful for the extra help.”
“What are we doing?”
“Today, we’re going to clean the grout around the pool. It’s a crap job, and I’m sorry it’s your first one, but I figured I’d get it done while everyone was out.”
I looked at the clock on the wall. It read 6.38. I had twenty minutes to prepare myself for the grueling work of scrubbing grout.
