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It was about as good as it was going to get.
“I just, God, I don’t know, Han, I love him—”
“No.”
Hannah swiveled around to glare at me.
“No?” I asked, confused as to why she had cut me off.
“No, you don’t love him. You love his money. You love that he saved you from destitution, that he bent over backwards to keep you around.”
“I’m sorry?” I asked, wondering if she was really saying what I thought she was.
“And you know, I wassostupid, because I thought I’d somehow managed to find theoneperson in this goddamned city that didn’t give two shits about how much money someone had! I was so happy that I had a friend as amazing as you, a friend that just accepted me and wasn’t after what I had. Do you even know what I would give to have not been in that stupid accident? To still have my mother here?” She turned back to her laptop. “You can go now. I’ve said everything.”
Her voice was cold, but it made me irritated. I swallowed the anger though, because I knew it wasn’t going to help things.
“I know exactly what you would give, because I would—”
“Don’t youdare,” Hannah hissed, snapping back around to me with fire in her eyes, “Don’t you dare pretend to know what it’s like! You had a crappy home and your mom wassick! You knew she was dying from the day you were born! You didn’t just wake up one day with your mom in a casket and your life changed! So don’t you dare play the fucking ‘my mom died too’ card. I don’t want to hear it. Your mom was always going to die, but mine could have lived, and then my dad never would have looked twice at you.”
I felt like she’d shot me. Her words were cruel, hurting me in a way I thought I’d long since moved on from being hurt. I nodded and turned around, shutting the door behind me. I managed to hold it together for about as long as it took to reach my room. I collapsed on the floor by the bed, and let my heart fall out of my chest. Tears washed down my face, cleansing it. I hugged my knees to my chest and sobbed. I hadn’t felt so lost and alone since I was in that motel room, staring down at what I had thought was Garth’s dead body. I hadn’t felt so hurt since the first time my father told me my mother’s death was my fault.
When the tears dried up, I knew there was no use in trying again with Hannah. She wouldn’t have used those words if she planned on ever forgiving me. I did what any self-respecting woman in a slightly melodramatic mood would do. I packed my bags.
I didn’t have much to pack. I hadn’t arrived with much, and I left the housekeeping dress behind. I wondered where the green bag with my personal belongings was, so I tiptoes to Julian’s room, and sure enough, it was there. Inside, I found my phone, my wallet, my earbuds, and the bag with the expensive lingerie I had bought to wear for Julian. I felt so stupid then.
Of course, I was never going to get the happily ever after I had dreamed of. People like me never did. I took it with me anyway, figuring I could probably return it. I stuffed it with the receipt in the front pocket of my suitcase, and pulled the paper bag with my mom’s ashes in it out from my bedside table where I’d stashed it. I hung the necklace around my neck. I needed the strength from my mother more than I’d ever needed it before. I scribbled a note on a piece of paper from my notebook book, and then left my course books in a corner of the room. I took my suitcase and the paper with me down to the cellar, where I knocked on the door for the housekeeper’s room.
When she opened the door, I handed her the note, asking her to please hand it to Julian, whenever he happened to be free. Whatever thoughts went through her mind, she chose to hide them, and nodded grimly instead. I wished her well, and took the elevator back up to the foyer.
I walked until I could hail a cab, at which point I asked for it to take me to JFK. I decided I’d get on whatever plane was heading out West first. I’d have liked to go back to Utah, but it wasn’t necessarily my first stop. I’d have adventures first, hitchhiking and working wherever I could, taking my mother with me and just trying to get over the heartbreak I could already feel developing in my chest. I knew, logically, that I was running away, but I couldn’t stay. Not when the one person I’d considered a true friend hated me, not when she’d made her opinion of me clear. I certainly wasn’t going to get between Julian and Hannah - I loved both of them too much to contemplate that.
The airport was bustling with holiday makers, and I couldn’t help but feel out of place with my bruised neck and sour expression. People glanced at me, and away again quickly. I knew they thought I was some battered girl fleeing her abuser, but I wondered what they’d say if they knew I was heading in the very direction my abuser had lived. Instead, I was leaving behind the best home I’d ever known.
“Nevada?” the woman at the desk asked.
It was the next plane out. I had enough money to cover it, so I nodded.
“Nevada.”
Chapter Eighteen
Julian
Iwas in my office asking my partner, Brad, to call back the clients I’d walked out on. He had a way with words, and I knew if anyone could bring them around, it would be him. I was flipping through the papers on my desk and wondering if there was any room for us to discount their price. There was a knock at my door, and thinking it was probably Evelyn, I called for her to come in. Instead, Harriet, the head housekeeper, walked in, with a grim expression on her face. She handed me a piece of paper, and walked out, shutting the door behind her.
“One moment, Brad,” I said into the phone, and my partner stopped speaking.
I flicked open the paper, and for the second time in two days, I thought my heart was going to stop.
Julian,
I could never make you choose between Hannah and me. She’s your daughter, and I refuse to come between that.
Thank you for these past few weeks, for a place to stay, for showing me what love truly is.
If you get the chance, please tell Hannah that I really do love her as well, and I’m sorry that she saw things differently.
