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CHAPTER8
Leaving the horses to graze,Felix and Edwina walked along the loch’s pebbled shore. Neither had spoken for a while, but it did not seem to matter as both were lost in thought. Every so often, Felix cast a glance at her, in an attempt to read her expression. When her eyes turned toward him, he quickly looked away again. Yet, he felt her gaze burning against his skin, as if she was doing the same thing—trying to read him.
“A penny for yer thoughts?” Edwina asked, coming to a fresh water stream that fed the loch.
He paused, shocked by the question. “Pardon?”
“A penny for yer thoughts? What’s runnin’ around in that wee head of yers? I’ve garnered that ye’re a silent sort of man, but ye seem… like ye’re doin’ a lot of thinkin’,” she replied. “If ye care to, ye could share. If ye daenae, we can pretend I said nothin’.”
He gaped at her, his mind whirling with confusion. No one ever asked what he was thinking. Those who did not know him mistook his pensive expression for pride or indifference, whispering about how intimidating he seemed. Those who did know him just assumed he was in one of his particularly gloomy moods, not realizing that there might be a reason behind it.
“I… well, I was just—” he fumbled for the right words, not because he lacked them, but because they were all rushing into his head at once, desperate to be spoken.
“Take yer time,” she encouraged, smiling.
For a decade, he had put a lock and key upon his lips when it came to sharing his innermost thoughts. His ability to show emotion and speak of his troubles had burned to ash when Castle Quinn had burned, and those final fragments had been pounded into dust when his father died. When his mother had passed two years ago, he had not shed a tear. Instead, he sat in stony silence, alone in his tower for a week. Now, with one question, Edwina had slotted the key back into the lock, and uncovered some remaining pieces of vulnerability in the ashes.
“I was thinkin’ of how this could’ve been averted, if my family just understood that I’m nae sullen and I’m nae lonely, I just struggle to be around people, so I’ve learned to find comfort in being alone,” he explained, letting the first trickle of honesty out. “I love my family, I always have, but I’m nae like them—I daenae ken how to be social. I used to, but that changed when my faither died.”
Edwina’s brow furrowed. “Why do ye think it changed?”
“To befriend people just means havin’ more people to lose, I suppose,” he replied. “When I’m alone, I daenae worry so much, or I cope better with my nerves. When I’m around those I care for, I cannae help but fret. It doesne make much sense, but that’s how I feel. And now, I’ve upset the people I care about the most. I lost my temper and I blamed them for all of this, as they arranged the ball without my permission. But I daenae ken how to apologize. I daenae even ken if Ishouldapologize.”
Edwina nodded. “I wouldnae be surprised if they feel the same way as ye, if it’s yer family that ye’re talkin’ about.”
“Maybe, but… I’m always sayin’ the wrong thing when Idoopen my mouth, causin’ messes that I cannae undo. My reputation is testament to that. Half the country thinks I’m a rake, while the rest think I’m a ruthless brute. It was the same last night, and now I’m goin’ to marry a woman who doesnae have an ounce of sympathy for me.” He mustered a smile for the last part, parroting the words she had spoken during their first, unpleasant encounter.
She chuckled, dropping her gaze as if she felt shy. “Och, ye might have half an ounce, now that I ken ye’ll have to get married to such a woman. I imagine she must be unbearable, rantin’ and ravin’ at strangers.”
“Rude strangers,” he corrected. “Iwasrude to ye last night and ye deserved an apology from me. I’m sorry that I shouted at ye like that, and that I blamed ye for walkin’ into me and spillin’ the wine. The ball had me at my wit’s end, and I took it out on ye. I regret that.”
For someone who did not know how to make apologies, that one had come rather easily to his lips. Just looking at Edwina’s earnest face and knowing that she was listening intently had freed something inside Felix, making him feel secure enough to say what he wanted to. And hehadwanted to say he was sorry.
“I’m sorry we’re in this situation, too,” he added, astounded by how comfortable it felt to be in her company.
“Then, I must confess, ye also caught me at my wit’s end when we walked into each other,” she said, in a low voice. “I came to the ball because I wanted to dance. Ye see, I had been imprisoned, for all intents and purposes, at the Manor. Kenney was bein’ a tyrant, sayin’ I couldnae do this and couldnae do that and couldnae go there. So, when he insisted that I attend yer ball, I saw my opportunity to seize some enjoyment from life again.”
Felix tilted his head to one side. “Why would that put ye at yer wit’s end? I understand the Kenney part, but nae the dancin’ part.”
“First, ye must hear of the journeytothe ball.” She regaled him with a humorous, albeit unfortunate, tale of woe that involved ruined garments, rats, broken carriage wheels, and endless hours of exposure to Kenney’s self-importance. “I hoped someone might ask me to dance, but nay one did, so it seemed like nothin’ was workin’ in my favor.Thatis when I knocked into ye,” she concluded.
For some reason, it soothed Felix to hear the reason behind Edwina’s explosive ire. He knew he had behaved like a brute, but her visceral reaction had continued to confuse him. Now, he understood. Indeed, if he had to contend with Kenney every day, he would want to rage at everyone, too.
“Although, ye were arrogant,” she continued, with a shy smile. “Ye see, this is why ye must share yer thoughts sometimes, so ye can be better understood. Now, we both ken why we were rude with each other. Had we met when we were both less vexed, we might’ve shared pleasantries instead.”
Felix laughed. “Ye never ken, I might’ve asked ye to dance.”
“Och, daenae embellish yer abilities, Felix,” she teased. “In order to ask someone to dance, ye have to be able to say more than a couple of words.”
A warm contentment spread through his veins. “Aye, ye’re right there. Ye also have to be able to dance. As I cannae, it’s for the best that we were boorish to one another instead.”
“Everyone can dance, Felix… but nae everyone can dancewell.” Her laughter bubbled freely from her tempting lips, stoking the warmth in Felix’s body to a feverish heat. The sound alone was charming, but knowing that he was the one who had made her laugh was akin to jumping in cold water on a searing summer’s day. Satisfying beyond words.
“I suppose I’ll have to judge yer dancin’ at our weddin’,” she said.
In that moment, a cold slice of fear pierced the warm bubble within him. What was he doing, making jests and allowing himself to feel comfortable with her? This had not been part of his plan, and his plan was the only thing that could ensure a happy future for them both. Apart. No matter how beautiful and witty and amusing she was, it would never change his desire to not fall in love. If anything, it increased the desire, for if he began to care for her, she would be just one more person he was terrified of losing.
And if I were to love ye, it would destroy me. It would madden me, worryin’ over ye.Gazing into her eyes, he knew he could not be selfish. Her comfort could not sway him from his course.
