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There’s an awkward pause. All eyes are on me—the women appraising my make-up and clothes with suspicion—the men evaluating my overall attractiveness on a scale of one to ten.
Jill pats the seat beside her. “Come and sit with me, honey.”
I gratefully oblige, relieved I no longer have to stand around looking like a moron. “Happy birthday, darling,” I say, handing her a bulgingBody Shopbag.
“Oh, you shouldn’t have! You already made the twins those adorable teddies. You didn’t need to buy me anything else.” She takes the bag and briefly peeks inside. “White Musk! My favourite.”
Leaning over, she gives me a little hug, and then proceeds to introduce me to the rest of the table. “This is my hubby Gavin; I think the two of you have already met. And then there’s Susan and Paul.We used to go to school together,and finally Bob and Louise, they’ve been our next-door neighbours since forever.”
I nod like a solar-powered Buddha. “Lovely to meet you all.”
The men give me a very warm welcome, but I sense frosty vibes from Louise and Susan. No matter how hard I try, their faces remain cold and distant, like they’re putting up barriers against the single woman; closing ranks to let me know their men are taken and not to get too friendly.
Jill hands me a menu. “I’m so sorry, Carly, but we couldn’t wait so we’ve already ordered. Do you know what you want?”
I give the menu a cursory glance. “Um, I think I’ll just have half a lemon chicken and chips.”
“Good choice. You’d better hurry up and give the waitress your order or our food will arrive before yours. Ideally, I want us all to eat together.”
“Sure. I’ll go up now. Oh, while I’m there, does anyone else want anything? Are you guys all okay for drinks?” My voice is far too shrill and ricochets across the restaurant like a sonic boom. People at the next table stop eating and look at me.
Louise and Susan exchange glances.
Susan stifles a smirk. “No, Carly, I think we’ve got enough drinks, thanks.”
“Okay, just checking,” I giggle.
Feeling like a twit, I reach into the condiments basket, pick up the wooden chicken with our table number, and grapple my way to the counter to order my food. All throughout, I can feel Louise and Susan’s eyes boring into the back of me. No doubt they’re having a jolly good laugh at my expense. What exactly do they find so funny? My clothes? My social ineptitude? Dear Lord, have I got lipstick on my teeth again?
Oh, God, I just want this fucking night to be over.
When I’ve finished ordering, I return to my seat nursing a large glass of red wine. Instantly, Jill draws me into a debate aboutDownton Abbeybut sadly, my knowledge of TV ended circa 2003 so she’s completely lost me. Still, I do my best to humour her. As she chatters on, I take large gulps of wine to calm my nerves, but the effects are slow to kick in.Damn.All I want is to get smashed so this night will be over already.
About ten minutes later, our food arrives on a trio of oversized serving plates. For the next hour, I smile and grin, laughing at the appropriate times and pulling a serious face when the conversation inevitably turns to politics. Most of the time I remain silent, making no response unless it is asked for or seems urgently indicated. All the while, I’m clenching my fist under the table, driving my nails into my palms to stop myself from screaming. To be fair, Jill’s been absolutely lovely and does everything she can to include me, but it’s no use; I’m just not with it today. Plus, Louise and Susan keep whispering and snickering and I’m paranoid they’re talking about me. It’s complete and utter Hell. I’m operating on autopilot and all I want is to be at home, tucked beneath my duvet watching a DVD. I want to be anywhere but here.
Occasionally, Gavin reaches over and touches Jill’s face; strokes her cheeks, her hair, and her nose. My heart aches with sadness. I wonder if anyone will ever touch me that way. I wonder if anyone will ever love me the way Gavin clearly loves his wife.
Am I destined to be alone forever?
Who will I be celebrating my fortieth birthday with? Will I still be a lonely singleton?
Oh, it’s not that I’m envious of Jill,far from it.No, it’s more an admiration; a yearning tobelike her. To be loved. To be cuddled and kissed by someone. To be held. To be made to feel safe and protected. Hell, just to be normal and not feel like a freak all the time.
Glancing round the table at Jill’s friends, I sense that this could never be me. I feel so isolated. The truth is, I’ve always felt like an outsider, a marked woman. I’m different somehow,like for some reason, peace of mind and happiness are off limits to me. Like each time I’m getting my life together, a dark entity casts a shadow over everything. Most of all, I still feel like a child, like being an adult is something unattainable. Something I am simply not capable of being.
By eight-thirty, I can bear it no longer.
“You’ll have to excuse me. I need to go to the bathroom.” I push back my chair so fast it’s like I’m on fire.
“Honey, are you okay?” Jill puts her hand on my arm. “You’ve gone very pale. It’s not food poisoning, is it?”
“No, I’m absolutely fine. I’ll be back in just a sec.”
When I get to theLadies, I rush over to the sink and turn on the cold tap. Splashing water on my face, I glance in the mirror to inspect my reflection. I’m horrified to see one of my lashes has come unstuck and is hanging off my lid like a bedraggled spider. Cursing under my breath, I peel both lashes off and toss them in the bin. Taking a deep breath, I try to psych myself up.
Okay.Time to put my plan into action.
I pull out my phone. Before making the call, I check both cubicles to make certain there’s no one there. Satisfied I’m definitely alone, I dial Ronan’s number.
