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To Stand Alone
Maybe it was an impulse of the glimmer spirit, or Celidon’s latent memories, but once Verve had decided to use her new meridian abilities on herself, the urge to return to Pilgrim Springs beat against her brain. So the next morning, after again ensuring that all was well within Lotis, she and Alem went back to the spring. Rather, she raced along the forest pathway and Alem hurried after.
Verve reached the spring first. The sun had not yet broken through the canopy, so morning mist clung to the brilliant blue water, veiling it and the surrounding woods. Cypress trees surrounded the springs; strands of curling gray moss dangled from their branches into the rippling water. Water birds trilled distantly, but Verve sensed no larger creatures nearby, magical or otherwise.
Small mercies.
Within her mind and memory, Space-Between-Stars fairly danced in delight at being near the moving water. Spurred by the Fae’s emotion, Verve darted across the sandy shore, pausing only to shuck all but her small-clothes, and then waded into the shallow side of the spring. Cold water brushed her ankles and calves, but she relaxed into the shock and allowed herself time to adjust. Her racing heart slowed as a feeling of calm settled over her, like warm air, scented with flowers.
Alem caught up with her, huffing a little as he sloshed to her side. “I didn’t think you liked it here that much.”
Verve didn’t realize she was smiling until it was too late. “Me either.”
He smiled, too. “What now? How exactly does this soul healing stuff work? Milo never let me know any specifics.”
Some of her calm flitted away as she glanced at the deep blue water before her. She was well and truly out of her element, but perhaps Celidon’s or Jocasta’s memories could assist. So she held out her hand. Alem took it, and the tight feeling in her chest eased a little at his touch.
“I’m not sure,” Verve admitted, meeting his eyes. “I’m running on someone else’s instinct now. Bear with me?”
He squeezed her fingers. “That would be hilarious if I were a shiftling. But, alas.”
Startled into a laugh, Verve gave his chest a playful swat, and not just because he’d cast aside his shirt. He caught her wrist and kissed it, then held her gaze. “Do what you need to do. I’ll be here.”
Never in her adult memory had she been able to rely upon anyone else. Never had she wanted to. The idea terrified her more than even her new abilities, more than the crushing dark of the void. But it was difficult to feel afraid now, surrounded by cool moving water and shafts of sunlight, so she nodded, closed her eyes, and looked inward, following the trail of memories Celidon and Jocasta had left. She’d sifted through them several times already, mostly before she fell asleep each night: images of places and people she didn’t know at first, but once she concentrated, she found the shape of their hearts molded against the souls within her. Several lifetime’s worth of love and pain, all stowed within her spirit for safekeeping.
The weight of that responsibility should have dragged her down, but instead, it gave her wings.
Verve allowed the memories to flow across her mind for a while before she turned her focus further inward. She cast back through her own memories as one might dive beneath the spring in search of the mighty underground river that connected the entire world.
But although she kept her eyes open, she saw neither spring nor sunlight, but only the cloying darkness.
Boots thudded against wood. Verve’s bare feet curled over that same wood — the weathered, splintery planks of a platform. The platform’s sides were open and the chattering of other people—a lot of them—echoed even over the desperate pounding of her blood in her ears. Hoots and hollers sounded, shouts of “heretic” and “dreg” and other foul words she only vaguely knew, for her parents had always tried to shield her from the worst of the world’s cruelty.
Everything was dark. Each breath came strained because of the rough cloth someone had shoved over her head. She’d squeezed her eyes shut because when she opened them, she saw the cloth and the meager light that struggled through, but nothing else. Her breath stank, her body stank. Her head was light and her heart hammered against her ribs.
But she couldn’t breathe deeply to calm herself, because each breath reminded her of the tough, scratchy rope around her throat.
The wooden planks shivered beneath more stepping boots. The crowd’s cheers grew deafening. Verve knew only some of the kotahi tongue—the languages of all non-Sufani—but even she could tell they were howling for blood. Her blood. She whimpered and leaned against the person beside her.
“Be strong, Verve,” her mother, Ruzha, whispered in Sufa. “The One will watch over you.” But Ruzha’s body trembled.
Verve had not heard her mother’s voice in nearly two decades, and now it was nearly her undoing. All the certainty she had felt this morning drained away, and she fought to free herself from this horror masquerading as a memory. The vision faded; her breath came easier.
Stay, Celidon’s spirit urged. You must acknowledge the past if you are to thrive in your future.
Surviving’s just fine, thanks, Verve replied, squeezing her eyes shut.
Jocasta’s spirit slipped through her own, bolstering her. You’re not alone, Verve. We will guide you.
Why? she shot back. Why do you care? I’m a killer. I’m a monster. Why should you help me?
You bear the name your mother and father gave you, Celidon said. You are strong enough to bear this, too.
Space-Between-Stars added, softly, And everyone deserves a chance to be who they truly are.
Distantly, she felt Alem’s embrace and knew, somehow, he was witnessing these events too. She recoiled again, unwilling to subject him to this trauma, too, but even as she did, his steady presence glowed in her mind’s eye. I’m here, she thought she heard him say. I’m not going anywhere. You can do this.
Bolstered, Verve took a deep breath to shore up her resolve, then she turned her attention back to the memories she’d buried for so long.
