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Verve opened her eyes, gasping. The sunlight blinded her, and she canted forward and the icy water at her feet hit her nerves like a punch, and sent her toppling. Someone grabbed her arm. She shrieked and twisted out of their grasp, shoved them back, but her body gave out and she collapsed into the shallow water, breath short, eyes burning with tears.
“Verve.”
She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t think. Sunlight rippling over water merged with the firelight gleaming on blood, and she shut her eyes against it all. But closed eyes brought darkness, and darkness brought death, and she trembled all over.
“Verve… It’s all right.”
“I’m sorry,” she cried in Sufa. “I’m weak. I couldn’t bear it. I’m sorry.”
A gentle touch brushed against her shoulder blades. “You’re safe,” Alem said, his voice low but clear and strong. “Verve, you’re safe. It’s all right.”
She lost track of time as Alem held her, as they sat together in the spring shallows long enough for the icy water to feel almost warm. When she could speak again, she looked into his dark eyes. “Thank you for being here, though.”
He brushed his thumb along her cheek. “I would do a lot worse for you.”
Verve scrubbed her face with her pruning palms and stared at the rippling water. “Legion took my family prisoner, then executed them.” She shuddered. “Publicly.”
“I got some of that,” Alem said. At Verve’s look, he elaborated. “It was like I could experience what you were remembering.”
She ran a hand through her hair. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be.” He hesitated. “Mara’s mercy… I had no idea. I knew Legion killed Sufani, but that…” He gave a shuddering breath. “What happened, after?”
This she remembered too well. “They put me in an orphanage with other castaway kids. That’s where Danya found me a few years later.” Memories of more crushing darkness, of punishments in locked closets and kicked ribs filled her mind, but she could not bear to think of her time in the orphanage more than briefly.
Something sour rose in her throat. “I should have died with them that day. I was too weak, too scared.”
“You were a child.”
The sourness burned on the back of her tongue, so she jumped up and raced to the bushes to retch. When she returned, Alem stood on the shore, tears shining on his face. “You were a child,” he said again, holding out his hand. “Their deaths aren’t your fault. They would be glad you’re alive.”
“Not like this,” she whispered. She took his hand, but her own felt like lead. “They would be ashamed to know their daughter is a killer. A monster.”
And she was, by the One god, she was. The souls of those whose lives she’d taken pressed upon her heart and she could not find the strength to stand. Her legs buckled, and she collapsed against the sugary soft sand, too exhausted even to cry. Only now did she truly feel the weight of the deaths she’d caused, for whatever reasons she’d told herself. How many parents, siblings, lovers had she destroyed?
Too many to count.
You were just a child, Jocasta’s spirit echoed. You were lost, then exploited. It is Danya’s and Legion’s sin to bear.
Celidon’s spirit flared brightly in agreement. You did not deserve that fate.
Feel the pain, Space-Between-Stars added, notes of chagrin and recognition in their words — a far cry from the sneering fury Verve had felt from the Fae upon their joining. Apparently, even Fae spirits could change their minds. Feel it in every part of your being.
Easy enough, for pain was all she knew now. Alem held her tightly as she clutched her fists into the sand, closed her eyes against the soft sunlight, and wept.
Let the pain flow through you, then release it, Space-Between-Stars said. Only then will you be free.
Please, show me how, Verve begged.
And the Fae spirit within her said, Open your eyes.
