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Shewantedto be a wallflower. But now, she didn’t want to be amongst them. She wanted to be dancing with a particular man. She wished it wassheon that dance floor, standing up with Lord Carlisle, rather than Beatrice Prescott.
And suddenly, for the very first time, she wished she hadn’t made that vow to her dying mother, all those years ago. Abruptly, she was transported back to the room, as if it had just happened yesterday….
Jane had been tending Mama around the clock, taking it in turns with her sister. Papa had hired a nurse, but both sisters had agreed that one of them would be by their mother’s side at all times. The physician had been uncertain as to when her time would come. It could be weeks, he had said, or it could be days. Neither of them wanted their mother to be alone with hired help when that time came.
Their father was devastated. He couldn’t bear to be in the sick room for more than five minutes. He would sit by his wife’s side, holding her hand, before fleeing the room, overcome with emotion. Jane knew he was hiding away in his study, trying to deal with the truth of it. The truth that he was about to lose his wife forever. Jane didn’t judge him, nor did she hold it against him. She knew that everyone dealt with grief in a different way.
It had happened one night when it had been Jane’s turn to stay with their mother. It was very late. Jane had fallen asleep in the chair next to the bed when she had suddenly jerked awake. Her mother was awake, staring with huge, pained eyes at her daughter.
“Mama,” she had said, springing up, holding her hand. “Are you in pain? Do you need more laudanum?”
Her mother had shaken her head irritably. “No more,” she whispered, through parched lips. “It fogs my mind. I need to speak to you, Jane. I need you to promise me something.”
“Anything,” whispered Jane, her eyes filling with tears. “Tell me what you want.”
Her mother licked her lips. “Jane, you have always been the closest to me. My baby girl. The one who has held my heart.” She gazed at her daughter. “I want you to know the truth.”
Jane frowned. “The truth about what?”
Her mother lapsed into silence for a while, her eyelids drooping. Jane thought she might have fallen back asleep. But then, she suddenly jerked awake again.
“I have never loved your father,” whispered the dying woman, with tears in her eyes. “The Lord knows I have tried and failed. I gave my heart to another when I was younger than you are now, daughter. A man who betrayed and used me. A man who left me without even saying goodbye.”
Jane stared at her mother in shock. Her mind whirred violently. She had always believed that her parents’ marriage was a love match. At least she knew that her father adored her mother. Mama had never been as demonstrative in her affection, but still, she had never questioned that her mother loved him as well. They had always gotten along.
“I never stopped loving that man,” continued her mother, almost whimpering. “I still love him. I tried to pluck the love out of my heart, but it was useless. It has been my torment.
It has made me unhappy all my life, not allowing me to be in the present with you and your sister nor appreciate the fine man who is your father. It has hung over me like a shadow.” A single tear trickled down her cheek. “That love has ruined my life.”
“No, Mama,” said Jane, her heart clenching. “You cannot say that....”
“Let me speak,” said her mother in a furious whisper. “I have held onto this secret all my life. It has been like poison corroding my soul. Listen to me, Jane. Love between a man and a woman is dangerous. It is a terrible thing. All it brings is unhappiness. I never want you to experience the pain of it, nor let it ruin your life, as it has ruined mine. Promise me that you shall never fall in love nor marry.”
Jane’s jaw dropped. “I…I do not know, Mama. How can I promise such a thing?”
“Promise me,” insisted her mother, her eyes alight with pain and fervour. “You are better off alone. You will lead a far happier life if you avoid men entirely. I want you to be happy, Jane. You must make this promise to me. It is the only way I can leave this life with any peace.”
Jane hesitated. But what choice did she have? This was her dying mother. A woman she loved more than life itself. Jane wanted her to die in peace. And the woman lying in the bed was not at peace yet. She was agitated, emotional, and upset.
Jane took a deep breath, leaning over, stroking her hot brow. “I promise,” she whispered, her heart clenching. “I promise that I shall never fall in love nor marry.”
Her mother gave a gentle sigh. She closed her eyes. And she never opened them again.
The next morning, her mother was gone. And Jane was left with the secret and the promise. A burden that she must carry forever. But at least she had given her mother some semblance of peace when she had drawn her last breath. And so, she would keep the promise to the dying woman. She had even learnt to accept it. She had made her own peace with it.
Until now.
***
Jane’s eyes flickered open. She was sitting on a chair in the Lethbridge house. Laughter and conversation swirled around her. The smell of the sick room receded, as did the sight of the frail woman in the bed, imploring her to keep the promise.
Marianne was suddenly in front of her, leaning over, passing her a glass of lemonade.
“Jane, you truly do not look well,” said her sister, biting her lip, and examining her closely. “You are as pale as a ghost, sister. Do you wish to leave?”
But before she could reply—to say thatyes, she desperately wanted to go home—they were interrupted. The Earl of Carlisle was standing there, looming over them.
“Marianne,” he said, a slight smile upon his face. He turned to Jane, his eyes roaming over her. “And Lady Jane. Would you give me the honour of this dance?”
