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Jane swivelled around to face her sister. Her heart was beating fast. “I…I kissed the Earl,” she admitted, hanging her head. “Well,hekissedme. I did not ask for it. I did not seek it out, Marianne.”
To her utter shock, her sister clapped her hands together in delight. Jane gaped at her. She hadn’t been expecting that reaction. She had thought that her sister would gently reprimand her, reminding her that a lady must always guard her reputation.
“Oh, my dear,” said Marianne, smiling warmly. “Your very first kiss! What was it like?”
Jane blushed fiercely. “It was…the most incredible thing I have ever experienced,” she admitted. “I never knew it could be like that. I never knew.”
Marianne nodded. “Yes, a kiss with the right man can be a wondrous thing, dearest.” She paused. “This means that your feelings for the Earl have changed. I know that you would never let a man kiss you unless you had strong feelings for him.”
Jane sighed. “I hardly know what I feel, Marianne. Mostly confused.” Her heart somersaulted within her chest. “You know I am resolved to remain a spinster. It is not fair to let him think that he can change my mind with a kiss. I really need to stay away from him.”
Marianne shook her head disbelievingly. “How can you say such a thing now? I have never truly understood your stubbornness on the matter. But it was one thing to desire to remain a spinster when you knew nothing of affairs of the heart. Now that you are experiencing it, you must be having second thoughts about it.”
Jane’s flush deepened. “He does not love me, Marianne. He is quite honest that he merely wants a wife for convenience. He told me that love is not on the agenda.”
“He said that?” Marianne frowned. “I have often wondered why Percy is so fervent about marrying for convenience rather than love. Henry and I have speculated about it but have no answer.” She hesitated. “I do not know, Jane. If the kiss was as good as you say, I think hedoesfeel something for you, even if he denies it.”
Jane burst out laughing. “Marianne,youare the one who has always told me that love and desire are two separate things, especially for men. They often can be intertwined, but a man can feel desire for a lady and not love her. I am inexperienced in such matters, but I know it is true. The Earl admires me in that way, but that does not mean he loves me, nor ever will.”
She caught her breath. A sudden surge of pain consumed her.
He doesn’t love me. He never will. He told me so himself.
“No, I must stay away from him,” continued Jane, trying to suppress the pain. “It is the only way. A kiss is one thing. It should never have happened, but it can be overcome. I am sure we can both forget it. We must.”
Marianne sighed, leaning towards her. “I think you owe it to yourself to see where this attraction to the Earl leads, Jane. I think his feelings towards you are rather more complex than he may even be admitting to himself. He singled you out right from the start. I have never seen him so taken with a woman before.”
Jane was silent. Marianne was a romantic and would think such things. She knew the truth. He had told her the truth. Only a fool would imagine it was anything other than it was.
“Jane,” said her sister in a gentler tone. “Why exactly are you so committed to remaining a spinster? What is the real reason? Did something happen to sway your mind on the matter?”
Jane stared at her sister. She wanted to tell her so badly. She wanted her beloved sister to share the burden of her mother’s secret with her. But even now, after she had just poured her heart out to her, Jane hesitated. She had kept the secret to herself for so long that it was like the words were stuck in her throat. Almost as if she was choking upon them.
“Jane?” Marianne was staring at her, waiting.
But at that moment, Lucy bounded into the room. They both jumped.
“The picnic was ruined,” wailed their cousin in a dramatic voice. “Mr Oswald had a turn, and we had to pack up and return to town.”
Marianne looked shocked. “Oh, my. Is Mr Oswald quite well?”
Lucy shrugged. “How should I know? We dropped him at his home and kept going.” She pouted. “Now, I shall be bored for the entire afternoon. What am I going to do?”
Marianne turned to Jane. “We shall resume our talk later, dearest.”
Jane nodded, watching as her sister got up to tend to their cousin as if she were a fractious child. But Jane wasn’t displeased by their cousin’s interruption. Marianne was pressing her again about her decision, and she looked determined. And there was simply no way that Jane could tell her the truth. Not now, not ever.
She already felt so raw and emotional. First Charles and his declaration of love, and then her first kiss with the Earl. She didn’t want to talk anymore. Her sister would only try to persuade her to give the Earl a chance, and Jane couldn’t bear it any longer.
It was far better to forget all about it. For everyone’s sake.
Chapter 21
Percy woke, startled, to see the beginning of light seep through the curtains of his room in the lodging house. It was very early morning, probably not long after sunrise. His heart was beating hard, and he was surprised to find he was covered in a damp sweat. He flung the covers off and sat up. He felt agitated and uneasy, and he had no idea why.
But then, quite abruptly, the source of his tension tumbled into his mind. He had been dreaming. A most vivid dream that was so bright in his mind, he could almost swear it was real. He tried to catch his breath as he recalled every intense detail....
He was walking barefoot on the beach—one foot in front of the other, the sand squelching in between his toes. He was alone. The sea, shimmering turquoise blue, stretched as far as he could see.
