AllFreeNovel
Share Us
There was an awkward pause.
“Thank you,” he said eventually. “You must be wondering why I wanted to speak to you after what happened at that dinner party. I can see the trepidation in your face.”
“Do you blame me?” asked Jane, her heart thumping. “I want to be truthful with you, Charles. I was shocked by what you said, and then I got a little angry. You ambushed me. I had no idea you were going to say that, and you really shouldn’t have done it in such a public place.”
He looked shamefaced. “Yes, I know. I thought of that afterwards. It was just that my courage was up, and I didn’t want to lose it again.” He hesitated. “It took me so long to build up the strength to declare myself, Jane.”
She shook her head incredulously. “I still cannot believe it. How long have you felt this way? Since what moment?”
He smiled wryly. “Actually, I can remember the exact moment when I realised that I thought of you as more than a friend. It was just after your mother died.” He took a deep breath. “You were devastated, of course, and crying on my shoulder. It was right before her funeral. In the kitchen of your house.”
Jane smiled sadly. “A sorrowful memory. You say you knew you were in love with me from that moment?”
He nodded. “You were so vulnerable, clinging to me. I recall I swept a lock of your hair from your forehead, and that was when it hit me, like a bolt of lightning from the sky.” He sighed deeply. “I have been in love with you from that moment.”
Jane’s eyes filled with tears. “I am so sorry, Charles. I do not wish to hurt you. You must believe me.” She exhaled slowly. “But even if I could be persuaded to think of you as more than a friend, which is something that is impossible, I could never marry you anyway. I will not marry anyone.”
His face darkened. She could see him struggling with his emotions. “For the love of our Lord, Jane, why have you made such a preposterous vow to yourself? I do not understand. I have never understood what would make a normal young lady suddenly commit to such a thing. When we were younger you used to dream of marriage. I distinctly remember you mooning over what your future husband might look like.”
Jane reddened. She had forgotten all about that. Charles wasn’t lying or exaggerating. When she had been a very young woman, she had been as romantic as any young lady. Her colour deepened as she recalled how she had devoured Gothic romance novels when she had reached her teenage years, so many that her mother had scolded her, saying she must get her head out of the clouds.
She hadwantedto get married desperately, yearned for it, and dreamt about it. Somehow, since what had happened with her mother on her deathbed, she had lost all memory of that young girl, so hopeful for her future. That young girl was gone forever. Her eyes filled with tears. She almost felt sad for that girl and the woman she had become. She knew her younger self would never have envisaged it.
Jane had never confided in Charles, of course. She hadn’t told anyone about what her mother had made her vow. She bit her lip, wondering if she should tell him now. Would it make it easier for him to accept her decision that she didn’t want to marry him? Would it cause him less pain to know it wasn’t entirely about him? Surely he would understand the gravity of a deathbed promise and not pressure her any further.
But then, she changed her mind. Charles must not misunderstand the situation. She didn’t want him to think that shewouldmarry him if only he could get her to renege on her vow to her mother. He must understand that she could never love him the way he wanted and wouldn’t contemplate marrying him even if she was free to do so.
“I have given you my final answer, Charles,” she said in a soft voice, ignoring the question entirely. “You must accept it. I do not love you like that, but you are my dear friend. I want us to remain friends. Please say it is possible.”
He sighed heavily, staring beyond her, across the fields. She held her breath.
“Of course, we can remain friends,” he said slowly. “I cannot pretend that your rejection does not cut me to the quick, but I want you in my life regardless, Jane. Our friendship is too old and precious to throw it away now.”
Jane was so happy that she threw her arms around him, almost knocking him to the ground. They hugged fiercely for a few minutes. Eventually, Jane stepped back.
“I should go,” she said, swallowing a lump in her throat. “I said that I would not be long. We have a visitor coming this afternoon....”
“It is not the Earl of Carlisle, is it?” he interjected in a sharp voice.
Jane stared at him in surprise. “No, it is not. I was about to say before you interrupted me that the visitor is Judge Barker, an old friend of Papa’s. Do you remember him?”
Charles wouldn’t look at her. “Yes.”
“And you know that Papa does not receive many visitors nowadays,” she said, staring at him stonily. “We are having a special afternoon tea to welcome him.”
There was an awkward silence. The happiness Jane had just felt had evaporated like a soap bubble in the air. Charles was still jealous of the Earl. He still believed that her rejection of him had nothing to do with her vow to remain a spinster and everything to do with the Earl of Carlisle.
“I am not marrying the Earl of Carlisle, Charles,” she said in a tart voice. “So, you can stop insinuating that there is some kind of understanding between us. He would like to marry me for convenience, but that is all it is. He shall move on to the next eligible young lady once he realises I am sincere in my conviction.”
Charles didn’t look convinced. “If that were the case, he would have moved his attention to your cousin or to Beatrice Prescott by now. But he hasn’t. I wonder why?”
Jane pressed a hand to her forehead. She simply didn’t have time for this now. She had already stayed longer than she intended.
“I must go,” she said, walking off. “How much longer are you staying in Seaborne?”
He shrugged. “A while. I am sure I shall see you around soon.”
She waved, heading off. She wasn’t at all sure that the meeting with Charles had been entirely a success. No matter how many times he said he accepted that she didn’t love him, she knew he wasn’t telling the truth. But what else could she do? She supposed that he would slowly realise the truth of what she was saying, and his love would die. She just hoped they truly could remain friends despite it all.
