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Chapter 28
Jane took another deep breath. She took a step back, so that he was forced to let go of her hair. He stared at her in a questioning way, as if he didn’t understand.
“I am sorry,” she said in a quiet voice, her heart thudding harder still. “I did not mean for this to happen. I did not come here to seek you out.” She hesitated, then plunged ahead. “You know my feelings about marriage, my lord. I have not been shy in expressing them. It is not right or fair to you for this to continue. I am encouraging you, and there is no hope.”
His face fell. “You are certain that you cannot marry me? For the more time I spend with you, Jane, the more certain I am of how well matched we are....”
“Stop,” she said in a firm voice. “You are not listening to me. I confess that I have grown…fond of you, and that fondness has clouded my judgement. But I cannot marry you. I cannot marryanyman. You need to pay attention to other ladies. Like my cousin Lucy.”
The words tasted like ashes in her mouth. Why was it so hard to say them? It hadn’t been as hard with Charles, and he was her dear friend, someone she had known forever. She barely knew this man. He had only been a part of her life for a few short weeks. It shouldn’t be this difficult.
“I do not like your cousin,” he said eventually. “I like you. I like everything about you.” His voice dropped to a husky whisper. “I like your mind, and your heart, and your body. I like your body very much. And I cannot forget how you felt in my arms.”
Jane’s stomach lurched. She couldn’t forget either. It was driving her to distraction. Even now, when she was intent on ending this once and for all, she was aware of him. His masculine presence, his dark eyes, the way he spoke. It was like she had an insect’s antenna that twitched every time she was near him.
“You must forget,” she said, taking a deep, ragged breath. “There is little point to it. You want a wife, and I do not want to marry. It really is as simple as that.”
“You are resolute in your decision?” His voice was full of regret. “You will not change your mind?”
She shook her head firmly. It was torture, but it must be done. She would thank herself later for being so strong.
He took a step closer to her again. “I respect the fact that you do not wish to marry,” he said slowly. “But I cannot deny my strong attraction to you. An attraction which burns brighter every time I see you. Could we still see each other?”
Jane’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
He looked abashed. “I mean, perhaps we could still have a relationship together, even if you refuse to marry me.” He paused, looking at her carefully. “A special relationship.”
Jane frowned. What was he talking about? But then, she realised. He wanted to see her alone so he could continue to kiss her and do other things with her. So they could continue to enjoy each other in that way.
She blushed fiercely. It was almost tempting if she didn’t have her reputation to consider. But it was far too dangerous. Their relationship had already progressed further than she had ever envisaged. He had not only kissed her but touched her body in an intimate way.
If she continued to let him do that, it would progress further. He was a man with a man’s needs, after all. She couldn’t expect him to remain content with just touching her forever. And she couldn’t let him take her maidenhead. What if he got her with child? What then?
“I cannot do that,” she said, the heat rising in her face. “It would not be proper. I have already let my good sense go enough. Please, do not ask it of me again.”
His face twisted in disappointment, but he nodded. “I respect your choice. And you are right—this has gone on long enough. I feel that it is making neither of us happy.” He took a deep breath. “I shall turn my attention elsewhere, Jane. Perhaps not to your cousin, as that would be too strange and I do not much like her anyway, but there are many ladies who would like to be a countess and would not refuse me.”
Jane nodded, swallowing a lump in her throat. “Yes, it is for the best.”
They kept staring at each other. Jane turned her face away. She should be feeling relieved that she had finally done this, and he had accepted her decision, but she didn’t. She felt sour with disappointment. And even his calm words that he would start courting other ladies made her feel angry and lost and hurt.
You are being ridiculous,she told herself angrily.This is what you have just told him that you want! This is what you want!
“I should go,” she said in an abrupt voice.
He stared at her steadily. “You cannot go yet, Jane. The wind has worsened. It is not safe for anyone out there. I would not even drive a carriage in that wind.” He paused. “I am afraid you are marooned here for the moment.”
She gaped at him, about to tell him she would risk it, when she heard the wind howling around the house. She walked to one of the kitchen windows, her eyes widening with alarm at what she saw out there.
He hadn’t exaggerated. It was worse. Branches were scattered on the ground and the trees were bending, creaking, and groaning, as if they were being forced to carry a great weight. It looked like the world had gone entirely mad. Jane bit her lip. There was no way she could walk in that weather.
“My family will start to get worried about me,” she said. “They are probably already worried.”
He took her arm gently, leading her back to the wood stove. “Sit down. The workmen left a packet of tea here which they were intending to brew during their break.” He grinned at her. “I might just be able to brew a pot.”
Despite her misgivings, Jane smiled. “Have you ever done so before? Tea is something that comes prepared in our world.”
He laughed, already filling a large pot with water. “Yes, that is true. But my grandfather took me camping once or twice when I was younger, and I learnt to brew tea over a fire. This should be easy by comparison.”
