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When I landed in California from New York, the first place I came was here, hoping for some kind of reaction to my return, but he never asked where I had been, why it had been a week since he'd seen me, or seemed offset by my return at all. When I left the gym, this is the only place I could think to go. In the past, when I needed advice, my dad was always the person I came to. I could talk to him about anything, big or small. And he always listened before offering an answer to what was plaguing me in the first place.
I stare into the aged eyes that look like mine, only his are tired, strained, and vacant on most days I'm here, but today they look like they hold a little bit of life in them. There are so many days I wish I had the man that raised me back. He was always so sure of himself; so confident in our lives in spite of everything he went through after Mom's death—the woman I never knew. He would do anything to care for me, even on days he stared at me for several minutes, telling me how much I reminded him of her, especially when I smiled. We were inseparable, no matter how much he missed her. He was my hero. Still is, regardless of what he did. Any good man would have probably reacted the same way.
He built those stores from the ground up, each and every one of them. Losing them to a lying, cheating bitch wasn't an option. She was on the verge of trying to take everything he spent his life building because he didn't even consider a prenup, but she didn't deserve any of it. She was a whore. That first store—the one I'm at most of the time—was something that can't be replicated. It was handed down to him from my mother's dad before he died. It was all he had left of her, aside from me, and that gold digger was trying to take something away that's irreplaceable, along with the man he caught her with that was smart enough to know what we had. Some materials mean nothing. But those stores mean everything.
He gave her everything. She came from nothing, and she needed to leave the exact way she came. She was his first after Mom; at least that I knew of. What he did in my adolescence I'll likely never know. He wasn't one to advertise an unstable personal life when I was around. He left women out of the equation. He was a good father. But now, I look at him and see a hospital bracelet wrapped around his wrist. I see a man that is trapped in a life as a result from a consequence to an action hechose.Much like I'm heading to.
"I don't know, Dad," I say, glancing down at the triple wrapped leather bands on my wrist, rubbing my finger over the top as I've done several times over the past few weeks. The leather is already starting to soften from the oil of my fingers. "I just found out I'm going to be a father. I'm scared shitless, a little angry, but mostly unsure of how I feel."
I glance up at him to a soft expression. His eyes are reflecting something I haven't seen in a long time: life. I put my elbows on the table, my overlapped hands to my mouth. He reaches across the table, taking my hand in both of his. "That's wonderful, Son."
I shake my head. "I don't know how this happened."
The edge of his mouth pulls up, and for the first time in months he looks like the man that I grew up with. Maybe his meds are different today. I'll have to check with his doctor. "Bryant, I gave you the birds and bees talk a long time ago. Surely you haven't forgotten the details."
"She was on birth control. Shesaidshe was on birth control. I pulled out . . . some."
"I taught you how to use a condom when I caught you jerking off to my magazine. I knew then it was only a matter of time until you were trying to stick that thing in something. I even bought you your first box. We discussed, in great detail, how imperative its use was. Rubbers are cheaper than babies by women that you don't want to be tied to forever."
"I know," I whisper. "And I always used them. Until her."
He smiles at me as he studies me, my expression never changing. "Then she must be different."
"I met her in a bar," I confess.
"Son, not all women in bars are bad. I met your mother in a bar. That old saying that you don't want to meet your spouse in a bar is bullshit in most cases. Sometimes people just want to go out for a little fun."
". . . In New York," I continue.
"Oh," he says, finally picking up my distress, his hand leaving mine before running it through his recently cut hair. My vision blurs as my hands go back in front of my mouth, my dad glancing around the room, thoughts clearly plaguing him. I wait for his response, unable to take my eyes off of him, worried at any second he'll go back to the soulless man he is most days when I visit. "Did I ever tell you that you were unplanned?"
I blink away the moisture in my eyes. "What? You and Mom were married."
He looks back at me, his eyes losing focus as he goes into a memory. "We got married during her pregnancy. She was here visiting her parents from college during the holiday break between fall and spring semesters from Nevada. She wanted the lights of Las Vegas after graduation, so she left for school, only returning when dorms were closed for breaks. It was Mark's birthday—also New Year's Eve—and he wanted to go out. I walked in and had never seen anything like her. She was dancing on a platform, hands in the air, her long, brown hair bouncing off her back. She reminded me of a gold disco ball with the dress she was wearing. It was sparkly, covered in those little pieces women sometimes have on clothing. Sequins I think. It was short, and she was wearing gold paper glasses that represent the year we were welcoming in. I was fascinated, and I knew right then she was mine, and so I tried all night to make it true."
He breathes out; as if he's releasing a secret he's held inside for a long time. "You have her smile, her free-spirited personality, and you're smart . . . just like her. Making friends always came easy for you. People love your ability to be carefree. It's addictive to be around people like that. I watched you over the years as you grew, remembering the short time I had the pleasure of existing in her world. I always knew she would have loved to watch you grow up. The two of you would have been close. She was the same way. She never met a stranger. Always had a good time. I was shy; had to work for friends, relationships. Once I finally got up the nerve to go speak to her the rest was easy because of her nature. Anyway, she left to go back to school not long after we met. Ripped my heart out. I thought I'd lost her forever. But then she called me about a month later and told me she was late on her period. She finally took a test and we were having a baby."
My eyes start to blur again. He's never told me this. Honestly, we didn't talk about my mother all that much. The few things he told me I could see how much pain it put him in, so I asked as little as possible. I could tell he loved her, and her memory only left him in days of deep despair. I didn't like seeing my dad sad. "For the first time in my life I felt like God was on my side. I would have never seen her again had you not resulted from her trip. I talked about her for weeks, couldn't sleep. It drove Mark crazy. Even thought about driving to Vegas for a weekend just to see her, to see if she'd be willing to try a long-distance relationship. Hell, I even considered moving for a chance with her. I begged her to keep you. Swore I'd do anything to make it happen."
"So what happened?"
His blurry eyes lock on mine, and he smiles. A real fucking smile. One I haven't seen on my dad in years, maybe even a decade. He never smiled like that with Rebecca. I think he was just lonely and she was his midlife crisis. "She said, 'I was hoping you'd say that.' That weekend I took off work, drove to Las Vegas, and helped her pack her stuff. She transferred to a local college and I got us an apartment. Worked my ass off so she could go to school. Three months into her pregnancy and I knew I had to marry her. Couldn't let her get away. The day we announced you were a boy I got down on one knee. We went to the courthouse two weeks later. I never knew my time with her would be so limited. I was left with her reminder and not a damn clue how to take care of a baby, but for her I knew I couldn't fail."
He takes my hand once again. "My point, Bryant, is that sometimes the unexpected takes us down the most rewarding road. You're grown now. You come in here day in and day out, sit with me when half the time I don't know if I'm coming or going, and you suffer through it with me, even when you don't think I notice. You take care of the stores without complaint. You even deal with Joel's irresponsible behavior when you should be building your own life. I know what he's doing. I know when you're with him. Mark knows what he's doing. You're not the only one that comes to visit me. Ninety-five percent of the time my mind may shut down so I'm not reminded of the man I've become and the things I've done, but some days, like today, I remember everything. The only thing that keeps me from drowning in the guilt is knowing that without fail you'll be here, and that once I had the love of a woman, even though short, that most never experience in a lifetime. The rest I'll live with. I'll rot in this damn hospital if I have to for what I did, but it's not worth it if you're not a whole man like I once was. There is no describable feeling for holding your child for the first time, knowing you created something so amazing. You're the one that gave me a reason to carry on after I lost your mother, and because you're half of her, I know you'll be the greatest father. Just the few days I saw her with you, I knew that she would've gladly given her life to make sure you had yours. And experiencing that is something I'll treasure for the rest of my life. When my mind checks out, and I can't remember anything about what happened with Rebecca, I get lost in my mind, and the only thing I do remember is you and your mother. That's enough for me."
"She doesn't know if she wants to keep it from what I hear."
"Have you talked to her?"
"She won't answer my calls. It keeps going straight to voicemail."
"Maybe she's scared. What I’ve learned about women is that when they're scared is when they need us the most. There is too much pressure on them now to be as strong as us. That's not the way it's supposed to be. We are supposed to be their strength. With a child comes the unknown. Her body is the vessel for a new life. With that responsibility comes a lot of fear. I saw it. Go find her, beg her to give you a shot, and prove to her you can be what she needs, what your child needs, even if the road along the way is rocky. In the end, you'll see that it was all worth it. I promise."
"What about the stores?"
"Let Mark handle the stores. He's made his success. He doesn't need the money. That's why I made him a small shareholder in case something happens. You're financially stable. The income is still yours whether you're there or not. You may just have to learn to love flying for a while until you figure things out, if she doesn't want to come here. It's the one damn thing I did right a long time ago."
"Her family is from here, surprisingly. Her brother is my best friend. That's how I found out. The way everything happened is a little strange to be honest. But I don't think she'll ever want to come back home."
