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“I do not mean satisfaction,” she explained. “I mean enjoyment. Something that has no attainable end other than your own pleasure. For example, I read.” She could not tell him that she also enjoyed music, that she was skilled on several instruments and liked nothing more than to lose herself for an afternoon in the workings of Johann Sebastian Bach or ride pell-mell across her father’s country fields on her mare Bella. The thought of Bella brought a sudden deep sadness to her heart. She had no idea where the mare might be, and probably never would find her. She hoped that wherever the mare was, she would be well treated.
The duke was looking at her with a puzzled expression on his face. He was too observant by half. She shook off the thoughts. A maid would not possess such skills as a horsewoman or knowledge of music and she certainly would not have received regular lessons for the first sixteen years of their lives.
“I haven’t had time for diversions,” he admitted with a thoughtful frown. “My father was very rigid in my education. Focus was a necessity at all times. Edward has all of the interesting talents.”
Caroline did not want to speak of Lord Edward and his many interests.
“What of the years following your education,” she wondered aloud. “Did you never attempt something frivolous then?”
“One does not have time for frivolous endeavors on a ship.” He said so with a matter-of-fact shrug that saddened her. “Even if I wanted to, I would not have had the opportunity to make a go of it. We spend long months at sea between moorings.”
“Why did you go?” she asked softly.
“To serve my country,” he answered, but she sensed there was more of a reason there. She still felt he left to get far from his overbearing father. “I suppose, I thought of all the young sons who were required to go to war. Why should I be exempt?”
Why indeed she thought.
“It is our duties to do our part…”
“You aren’t on a ship, now, m’lord,” she said. She was careful to use the slurred sound rather than the proper my lord that had rolled more naturally from her tongue in the early days of her capture. Now, she seemed to be a part of this world. Sometimes how easily she fit to the mold frightened her.
“No, I suppose that excuse won’t hold water.”
“Do you expect to return to the war front?” She had wondered this for some time. What would Lady Lydia think? Caroline did not expect that his betrothed would be willing to be left behind for long durations of their marriage. Perhaps that was a part of the reason that the lady was so reticent.
“No,” he admitted with a sigh. “Those days are over and perhaps they should have been a long time ago. I have other duties now.”
“Will you regret your retirement?” she asked. “Miss it…”
“The war? The bloodshed? Not a lick.” His firm resolve bolstered the words with truth. “I shall miss my men and the ease between us but we can arrange our meetings when they take their leaves of duty. In truth, most of them have been wed in recent years and are settling into new lives themselves. I’ve been told that I should have buckled down and finished that task myself.” He sighed heartily.
“Do you not want to marry Lady Lydia?” she asked when his tone had seemed less than enthusiastic. She bit her lip. That was certainly too forward, but he seemed not to notice her curiosity.
“I do. I’m sure I do,” he repeated, perhaps more for himself. “Sometimes it feels like we hardly know each other anymore. We spent our childhoods together, knowing from our childhood years that we would be matched. Our fathers had made the arrangements, and it felt right.”
“She is very beautiful.”
He lifted his eyes to hers and looked at her. Suddenly, Caroline felt very self-conscious under his scrutiny. He studied her, his eyes roving over her skin like a physical touch.
“Beautiful,” he repeated softly.
“I thought…” she stuttered and began again. “From the way that the servants talk you were both very much in love,” she hoped that he did not note that she had made the reference in the past tense.
“We never had a raging, passionate romance like Lydia had wanted,” he admitted standing and pacing across the room. “Even without that I do think that we make a fair pair. We are both driven with single-minded focus to our own ends. I doubt we will get in each other’s business much,” he added. “I only thought that with more time we could both be certain. Perhaps that was the reason that I never felt a pressing need move quickly. I wanted her to have the chance to find what she wanted for herself, if she wished. Then, after the…he gestured lamely towards his marred cheek. Caroline wondered when she had ceased to notice the flaw.
“Or maybe I wanted to give her time to find another. I thought she might break off the engagement.”
“You are a duke,” Caroline said.
“Yes,” he said softly. He seemed to look down upon his ruined form, running a finger over the scar on his hand. “Life does not always seem to go to plan,” he whispered.
Caroline did not speak, but he did not seem upset by Lady Lydia’s coolness towards him. It sounded to her like Lord Robert had wanted his betrothed to find her passionate love elsewhere, as if that might free him of the expectations that his father had set for his life. She knew just how forceful his father could be when it came to getting his way. Perhaps he had hoped that she would change her mind and he would not be responsible for jilting the lady, or perhaps Caroline was filling her own head with wishful thoughts.
“Her letters were always so angry,” he continued. His voice was soft and introspective, as if perhaps he had never voiced any of this aloud. “She would complain that I was avoiding it, putting it off, and wasting her time. Father’s would say the same… I was shirking my duties. Perhaps they were both right…”
“You are your own man now,” she said. “What will you do?” She realized that she wanted to know. He was free of his father’s constraints but she could tell that he still felt the heavy burden of obligation to the lady after she had kept herself on the shelf for the sole purpose of marriage to him. Even though it was clear Lady Lydia could barely lay eyes on her betrothed, she did not sever the engagement.
“Now that my father is dead there is no further reason to delay. I will have to fill the shoes that I was born to.” He explained, with no surprise to Caroline, that it had been well ingrained that the express roll of the duke was to provide an heir and continue the legacy. “It is time that I take control of my father’s holdings and the future of such responsibility. None of that can be managed from the wheel of a ship.”
