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She leaned in close but made sure to speak loud enough that Mrs. Cavendish would hear from her perch. “Someone recently told me that it is always best to put oneself first. I had a choice to make, Mr. Crowley, and I chose myself.”
There was an unmistakable snicker in the hall and before Marilee had the chance to take one final look to memorize the face of the man she loved, even if it would be full of hatred and disgust, he did not look at her. He turned away and raced for the door.
Marilee stood there with what felt like the world crumbling around her feet as she listened for the front door to slam in his wake. A moment later, Mrs. Cavendish bounced into the parlor with the pep of a woman half her age.
“That was brilliant!” she sang. “He didn’t even make it out the door before his stomach upended. It’s a good thing Angus thought to put that giant vase in the entryway. Makes for an easy cleaning. I’d wager he’ll be finished before the night next is through.”
Marilee grimaced. It was taking all of her control not to melt into tears and Mrs. Cavendish making light of how ill she had made Nikolas only made matters worse. Perhaps three drops had been too much. Dr. Harding had said two, but that was for Miss Caroline who was a woman of lighter weight than Mr. Crowley. No. Mr. Harding. Maybe she really had killed him. Though she doubted it, he would certainly feel the effects beyond what she had anticipated. He must be cursing her name, regretting having ever laid eyes on her. She wanted to weep until there were no more tears left to cry. She wanted to beg his forgiveness and tell him that she had only acted out of care for his wellbeing. She wanted to set it all back to right, but she could not. He might hate her, but at least he would be alive.
* * *
Marilee handedover the empty green vial and followed Mrs. Cavendish to the upper levels where the housekeeper made a glowing report to the lady. She could recall later that Lady Lydia had been ecstatic. The cheers and congratulations had been passed between the pair all while Marilee had stood there with her eyes fixed as if frozen on a single spot on the carpet. She could not even recall if she had taken a breath during the entire exchange, but she must have because she made it through the event as if mesmerized.
Neither Lady Lydia nor Mrs. Cavendish seemed to mind her silence. “A good night’s rest will put you right, girl,” the housekeeper said.
“Do not dwell on it, Kate,” Lady Lydia had contributed. “Soon enough it will be a distant memory. It only seems harsh in the moment, but you did what is best, and you really ought to take pride in your accomplishment. Men think they rule over us women, but it is we who truly hold the reins. It is time that you learn such things. Only then, can you make true headway in this world. Men will always stand in your way.”
Marilee had not had the heart to respond, and she could only manage to be thankful that the women viewed her tragic deportment as a general discomfort, the result of inexperience, that would fade away in time. They could have no idea that she felt as if she had sold her soul to the devil. She was wretched, wrecked, and could not see how she would ever manage repair. Her only consolation, the only thing that kept her from breaking into a thousand pieces was the thought that Nikolas would have done the same for her if it meant that she might live…Nikolas who it seemed previously had a wife who came to some bad end.
CHAPTER19
Peggy had already turned in for the night when Marilee was released to take her rest. The house was dark and the hallways silent but for the deep breaths of sleep. She found herself seated upon the edge of her bed, her head hung as low as her spirits, while she stared into the void of darkness. There was no moon tonight…no light at all.
How had her life come to this? She had gone from the happy existence of a lady’s maid to witnessing a murder most foul. Then, held captive and used for unpaid service. She had been forced to keep secrets and attempt to bide her time until she and Miss Caroline could manage to be ransomed from this horrid existence. Now, she had wounded the only man that she had ever cared about…no. Loved. She loved him.
She felt that her nerves were spent even though she had yet to shed a single tear. How she had managed to hold back her emotions, she would never know. It was only through the detachment of her feeling that she had avoided diving into the void. Her heart hurt. Her mind and soul were depleted. She had nothing left and no more prospects that might free her from her fate. She had driven away their only hope, their salvation, and Peggy, sweet Peggy who lay there without the slightest indication that anything might be amiss, would be caught unawares when she discovered that once again, she was fated to attempt an impossible escape of this fortress. There was no hope now for either of them.
Marilee brushed a tear from her cheek. The first to fall soon became one of many that could not be held in check. Soon, she was sobbing. Nikolas was gone, more than her comfort and lifeline, he was their only link to the outside world. She pulled the pillow to her chest and attempted to muffle her sobs but soon the others would wake if she did not find some modicum of control.
“Kate?” a whisper trailed through the darkness. Peggy did not ask what was wrong, did not require an explanation in this moment. She did not need confirmation to know that for whatever reason Marilee was crushed, such was the norm in Blackwell house. They would speak on the morrow, in private, but for now she would offer her comfort.
“I’m fine,” Marilee choked.
“You are not fine. What happened?”
Marilee just shook her head with negation.
The creak of the mattress revealed that Peggy had shifted and from her distance Marilee could see that her dear friend had raised her blanket as high as her arm would permit, the opening beckoning. With a smothered sob, Marilee dashed from her perch and dove beneath the blanket to lie beside Peggy upon the rickety bed. At once a pair of arms drew about her and pulled her close while she allowed her tremors and gasps to break free for the first time since she had been first called to Lady Lydia’s chamber.
“I…” Marilee croaked. “I… I can’t…”
Peggy made a shushing noise and smoothed Marilee’s curls against her head. “Just rest,” she cooed.
“I’ve done a horrible thing,” Marilee cried.
“Sometimes horrible things don’t look so terrible by the light of a new day,” Peggy promised. “Cry it out, and we shall talk it through in the morning.”
“I cannot cry,” Marilee sobbed but her tears belied her words. She was a veritable watering pot and it could not be stemmed now that the dam had broken.
Peggy found a scrap of fabric that Marilee used as a handkerchief.
Peggy said not a word, but she pulled Marilee closer to her in the small bed. They held firm and clung to one another while Marilee allowed every emotion that she had held in check these recent weeks to burst forth between them. Peggy must have been soaked with the wetness of her tears, but she did not complain. Marilee sobbed and sniffled, wept and moaned in agony until there was not an ounce of fight left in her. She felt like an old dishrag wrung dry. When the sky began to lighten, she finally slept, and still Peggy held her wrapped in the protection of her arms. They would have a late start to their washing, but she was certain that neither the lady nor the housekeeper would press her after such a trial. No doubt they were both still abed. When they woke, she would tell Peggy all. Until that time she would wallow in her sorrow.
Then, when she finally rose to face the day, she would have to remember that she had acted for a purpose. Peggy would help her find her strength, of that she had no doubt. For this night, however, she would allow the pain to cut. She would feel every ounce of loss, every stab of torment. She would mourn the loss of Nikolas and his affections, of his goodness and his conviction. She would allow herself this misery and then hide it away so that neither Lady Lydia nor her compatriots, would know her true feelings lest they use the connection against her.
* * *
Peggy spentthe next several days attempting to convince Marilee that she had done the right thing, made the right decision for the sake of them all, but the concept was difficult for Marilee to grasp when every moment her instinct screamed that she must find a way to reach out to Nikolas and explain away the events of that horrible night. Deep down she knew that she had been right, but she could not help but wish that they had had the means to find another way.
