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I’d missed five years.
But I would be damned if I’d miss anymore.
I had been wrestling with all the things I hadn’t got to see him do and be a part of, but I was happy I got to throw him his first big birthday party. Brinley had told me it had been the two of them alone every year and that was another punch to the gut.
I should have been there.
There were so many feelings to work through and I had been doing my best not to shove them down the way I’d always done. Not only my son, but Brinley, deserved more than that. But it wasn’t that easy and completely out of my comfort zone to face things head-on when it came to my emotions. And while I was working to do that with the ones surrounding Brinley, Zander, and me, I had others that I just couldn’t manage to let myself truly address.
“Daddy, where are we?”
My heart stumbled a beat, then warmed at Zander calling me Daddy. I was still getting used to the title in some way, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel fucking amazing.
I pulled into a parking spot and turned off the truck, then swiveled around to look in the backseat at my little man. “Ready for your surprise?”
Zander’s gaze roamed to the doors where people had been streaming in and out. I was glad we had reserved a party room because Bullwinkles was seriously busy. As a family amusement center with mini-golf, laser tag, go-karting, bumper boats, zip-lining, an arcade full of games, food, treats, and more, it was the place to go.
“We are going to this place with all those people?” His forehead wrinkled in confusion.
I chuckled. “Well, we're not going with them exactly, but it’s a place lots of people can go at once.” Our friends should have all been in there by now so we would have a large group there to celebrate with Zander. “Want to go check out your surprise now or should we head home?”
“No, no, I want to go see,” he said, bouncing on his butt on the truck seat.
Brinley had been quietly watching the exchange from the passenger seat and I looked over at her to find her watching me intently. “You’re good with him,” she said.
My eyes widened at the compliment. She hadn’t said anything bad over the last month, but she also hadn’t said a whole lot of anything about how she thought I was doing as a dad. I could read emotions cross her face so I knew it was going okay but hearing her acknowledge what she just had felt great. It was different hearing it out loud, especially coming from her sweet lips.
Lips I shouldn’t be thinking about, let alone how sweet they were, but I couldn’t help it. I should’ve been thankful she couldn’t read my mind and went on without knowing where my head was.
“Why do you look so shocked?” she asked me.
I shrugged a lone shoulder. “I guess because it’s the first time you’ve said anything and I’m glad you think so.”
“Honestly, I am a little surprised.” She threw both hands over her mouth, but the words were already out. When she pulled them from her face, she hurriedly said, “I don’t mean that mean, but—”
“I know what you’re saying, don’t worry about it,” I broke in, interrupting her. “We both knew I was a screwed-up mess after—” I stopped abruptly, not able to say it. I wasn’t kidding when I’d told Gyth and Braxton I thought I was all talked out. At least where my sister was concerned. That was hard enough getting it out then and I had been raw ever since.
“I know what you’re saying,” she said, echoing the words I just used.
“Can we go now,pleassse!” Zander shouted.
Brinley and I both laughed.
“Yeah, buddy, let’s go check this place out.” I hadn’t been here, but some of the others had and recommended it when I mentioned doing the party. I was hoping Zander would have fun.
We all got out of the truck and started toward the door hand in hand.
Again.
“Swing me,” Zander begged.
Brinley and I lifted Zander's arms a little, swung him forward off his feet into the air a bit, and then brought him back down to the ground.
“Do it again!”
One day when we all had been walking into the condo I had told him about my mom and dad swinging me like that and we did it. He obviously remembered. Brinley and I obliged and swung him again. Then we made it to the building and I used my free hand to pull the door open.
When we all walked through, the noise level was crazy. Kids were screaming with glee, people talking, games dinging and bells going off everywhere. Zander stopped in his tracks and his eyes bugged out of his head. I chuckled at his expression.
