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“School’s starting soon.” He cleared his throat and stared straight ahead. Lauren closed her eyes and felt a part of herself crumble. She knew exactly what was coming. Danny took her hand, but she wouldn’t look at him.
“You know I love you… But they’re my family. Those boys are my life. For their sake, I have to try to work things out with Heather. So, when they come back, they’ll be at the house and so will I.”
“I see.” Lauren’s stomach turned over. She knew Danny loved his boys and would do anything for them. Even let her go. She looked up and made eye contact—and it was Danny’s turn to drop his gaze.
“And that means we have to stop.” His voice got thick. “I have to stop coming here, seeing you.”
“Danny…” Lauren hated the note of desperation in her voice, the fear. She’d known all along that this was coming. Even known, deep down, that it was the right decision—and despised herself for not being able to make it herself. But hearing him say it out loud ripped a ragged, gaping hole right through her. Then the tears came.
Danny pulled Lauren into his arms and rocked her. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered through his own tears.
They sat together for a long time. Lauren knew there was no other choice for them: Danny would be miserable on the road, away from his family, constantly dealing with the drama and intrusions that were stitched into the fabric of her existence. And Lauren wouldn’t—couldn’t—give up The Kingmakers. The music was everything to her. She couldn’t be like Carolyn or Jackie. They were married, had families—the lives they had were exactly right for them, but not for her. And she couldn’t be like Steph with her numbers, formulas and spreadsheets. Finally, Lauren pulled away and went to look out the window. He got up to follow her, but she held her hand out, stopping him.
“You need to go.”
“Lauren…”
“No, you’re right,” she said. “I knew this was coming. I should have broken up with you myself, but I didn’t have the guts—or the good sense to do it.” She turned away, struggling to keep her voice steady and the tears at bay.
The floor creaked behind her. She could feel him come closer, but he didn’t touch her. “Lauren. I, I’m sorry… I never…”
“I know you didn’t.” She turned around, wishing she could hide the anguish she knew was painted across her face. “Just go. Now.”
Unable to bear seeing the pain in his face that reflected her own, she turned back to the window again and stared out at the sky. He stood behind her for what felt like an eternity before she heard him step back. His footsteps faded, then the squeak of the doorknob.
She heard one final, soft “I’m sorry,” before the door closed.
After Danny left, Lauren wept until there were no more tears. She tormented herself trying to think of something she could have said or done differently, something that would have changed things. Berated herself for not being brave enough to end the relationship after that first night. Tortured herself with recrimination and self-doubt.
The cavernous apartment felt huge, cold, and empty. On the balcony, she stared out at the city as the empty hole in her heart consumed her. She clutched the railing as the sorrow turned into anger. She spun abruptly, kicking one of the chairs so hard it flipped over backward, knocking a vase of flowers off the table. It smashed on the balcony tile. A million jagged little shards. Just like her life.
Lauren dropped to her knees, a sliver of glass digging into her knee. The slice of pain brought her back to her childhood, a day when Stephanie had fallen and scraped her knees. All her baby sister had wanted was ice to numb away the pain. Lauren had held an ice bag on Steph’s knee until she stopped crying.
But Lauren hated that dull, numb feeling.
When she was in pain, she wanted to run, to fly. To move so fast the anguish peeled away from her and tumbled into oblivion, unable to keep up. And there was only one way she knew to make that happen. Only one thing in the world that could let her outrun her ache: getting back on that white horse.
Over the years since rehab, she’d been tempted to go back to the coke, but never like this. Lauren fished her iPhone out of her pocket and started to scroll through her contacts. She reached one name and stared at the initials: DFG. He wasn’t a dealer, but he knew all the right people. She reached out a finger to tap the number and then threw the phone down.
No,she told herself.You can’t go there. You can’t.
But God, she wanted to.
More than she had in a very, very long time.
Lauren grabbed the phone again, and she hit the delete button, erasing DFG from her phone. Then she went to a different, very specific number. Her hand was shaking as she put the phone to her ear.
The phone’s ring pulled Augie out of his sleep. Aggravated, he fumbled in the dark to find it. Who the hell was calling him at this ungodly hour? He didn’t even look at the screen when he answered.
“Hmm?” His voice was thick and slow.
“Augie?” On the other end of the phone, Lauren’s voice was almost inaudible.
His sleepy brain-fog vanished. “Lauren? Lauren, what’s wrong?” Augie sat up in the bed and flung the covers away.
“He ended it, Augie. Danny left.”
That rat-bastard, he thought.
