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“I didn’t use it, Augie.I didn’t.But God, I wanted to.”
“You didn’t answer his question,” DJ said. His voice was soft, gentle, speaking to her as if she was a wounded animal.
“I flushed it. I swear to all of you, I got rid of it. You have to believe me. Please…” Lauren looked at them all, one at a time. Ox glanced away, unable to look at her. Their distress, their disappointment, devastated her, and for a moment she regretted not going through with it. Maybe it would have been easier to just let the darkness consume her.
She reached out and grabbed Augie’s arm, unable to bear the sorrow she saw in her cousin’s eyes. “Augie, I swear I didn’t.” Her voice cracked. “I… I swear on Carolyn’s unborn baby.”
That was about as serious an oath as Lauren could make, and the expression in his eyes changed when she said it.
“I believe you,” Augie replied.
Lauren looked at the floor, too humiliated to trust him.
“Lauren,” DJ said. “I believe you, too. Itrustyou.” She dragged her eyes up to meet his. They were so blue it would be easy to get lost in them.
A moment later, Ox and Stevie echoed what the other two said. She didn’t deserve their trust, or their faith.
Finally, she asked, “Why are you all even here?”
“We were worried when you didn’t show up today,” DJ said. “Then you didn’t answer when we called.”
“You called?” Lauren furrowed her brow. She didn’t remember anyone calling. “Oh. My cell. Right. After I flushed the coke, I spiraled. I started looking through my contacts. Looking for someone—anyone—who could bring a little taste over to hook me up… I put the phone in my lock box. And then I flushed the key.”
Her laugh was weak. “Ridiculous, I know. But I guess it worked. After that, I had to do something with the pain. Put it somewhere that wasn’t up my nose. I started writing. It’s probably a steaming pile of shit like everything else I’ve been writing lately.” She waved absently at the room again
Ox picked up a few of the crumpled balls of paper from the floor and unfolded them.
“Don’t waste your time.” Lauren couldn’t bear being the brunt of his criticism again.
“You never know,” he answered.
“I do know. You’ll hate it. Everything I’ve written for this album is shit. I’m finished.”
She grabbed at the paper, but Ox held it out of her reach. She tried once more, and he still played keep-away. Lauren stopped, uncertain if she wanted to scream at him or cry. She heard more rustling. The others were grabbing crumpled papers, too. She tried, in vain, to crush the big, wracking sob that erupted out of her.
“I’ve lost it. The album’s a disaster and it’s my fucking fault! Don’t waste your time looking at that crap.” She wiped her eyes with the hem of her shirt.
“Cállate,” Ox said, his eyes skimming the paper.
Lauren flinched like she’d been slapped. Had he really just told her to shut up?
“Justchitón… shush. Be quiet for one second.” He scanned one page and then another. When he looked up, he was smiling. “Lauren, this shit’s good. I mean, it’sreally good.”
“Whatever.” Lauren didn’t believe him. He was probably just saying what she wanted to hear.
“These are some of the best ideas you’ve come up with. Ever,” DJ said.
“Dude, give it here.” Augie waved his fingers, and DJ handed him a few sheets of paper.
Lauren felt her insides crumble. They’d all had front-row seats to her songwriting disintegration. The dross littered across her floor would hammer that last nail into the coffin.
Then a smile cracked the serious expression on Augie’s face. It grew wider, brighter, and when he looked over at her, she could see his dimples. “This is amazing!”
She so desperately wanted to believe them, to hope, but the fear that they were bullshitting her was a step away from paralyzing. “Maybe we should go through a few? Just be sure?” Her questions were tentative.
“Hell, yes. But first, you’re taking a shower,” Augie said.
“A shower?”
