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“Loki came out of his room, asking what the fuck all the noise was about. He'd gotten wasted the night before, so he was pretty hungover, the fucker. Jax came too, and Kai wandered up the stairs at the same time. That fucking song started up again, it was on repeat, and I just knew something wasn't right.”
My heart is pounding, and my palms are sweaty like I've been running for my life. I feel sick, nausea rolling my stomach.Please don't let it be what I think it is. Please.
“After what felt like hours, but was probably only around five minutes, Jax kicked the door in, and all I could see was red. A sea of red covering the bed and pooling on the floor. Luc…” He closes his eyes, swallowing hard, “Luc was lying in the middle of it. He was so pale, whiter than the sheets, and he looked so...peaceful. Like he'd finally come home after a long journey. I remember feeling envy, I was fucking jealous that he didn't have to deal with this shit anymore, with our father and his mind games. I was so angry at him, for giving up, for not fighting. For leaving me.” Ash’s head is bowed, jet hair covering his face.
I taste salt, and I realise that tears are streaming down my face and I can't stop them. I don't want to stop them. I remember the red blood splattered on the walls, the smell of shiny pennies. There was no peace, though, only horror. I blink the memories away, now is not the time to get lost in them.
My hand reaches out to push his hair back, feeling its softness which is so at odds with the hard man it belongs to. He leans into the touch and sighs softly. He opens his eyes, that molten gaze on me once more, and the guilt I see in those steel depths is paralysing.
“Ash…” I breathe, at a complete loss as to what to say. I know nothing helps, not really. “It wasn't your fault,” I tell him, desperately wanting him to know that, to believe that.
An almost smile lifts up one corner of those full lips. It's not a nice smile though. It's a smile of hopelessness, a smile of despair.
“That's where you're wrong, Princess. It's entirely my fault. He even left a note telling me so.” His long finger comes up to caress the side of my face, from forehead to chin, like he can't help but touch me back.
“Wh–what?” I stutter, unbelievingly.
“Dear Ash, I can't fight you and dad anymore. I don't want to, and I don't want what he's offering. I just want peace, so I'm taking myself out of the game. The crown is all yours. Luc”he recites, obviously having memorised the note.
“Oh, Ash,” I choke, my eyes filling up and spilling over once again.
Before I can say anything else, he tears away from me, his eyes cutting and narrowing once more. This must have been why he bailed the other day, our experiences are so similar, both finding our loved ones in a pool of blood too fucking late.
“Don't you dare fucking pity me!” he spits, pointing a long finger in my direction, then spinning on his heel and storming off. Before he’s out of earshot, I hear him mutter, “I don't fucking deserve it.”
Chapter Forty-One
LILLY
Iemerge from our Calculus exam, blurry-eyed yet full of relief and excitement. Autumn term, or as the guys say, fall semester, is finally over! Calculus was our last exam, on the final day, and as I look around at Loki, Jax, and Ash, I see similar expressions on their faces. Kai should have finished his much harder college level exam around about now too.
“Fuck yeah!” Loki suddenly shouts, jumping up and pulling Jax into a headlock, ruffling his hair and making his man bun even messier. He lets go and darts to my side before Jax can react, laughing, and slinging an arm across my shoulders.
“Fucker,” Jax rumbles with a smile, untying and retying his bun.
“You ready to go, Pretty Girl?” Loki asks me, pulling me closer and placing a kiss on my cheek.
We'd packed our bags last night, loading them into his car first thing this morning, so that we could be ready to leave straight away.
“Yep,” I say.
A pang of sadness runs through me at the thought of being separated from the rest of the guys over the break, as Kai joins us from his exam, and we head to the student lot.
Loads of other students are heading to the lot too, and I can hear excited whoops and chatter all around me. They give us a wide berth, not getting too close to our group. I've noticed that more than once about the guys. The other students look in awe of them, not daring to approach, as if they, we, are royalty.
We walk towards the entrance, the boys have spaces right next to the road that comes in and out, and I hesitate next to the cars. Turning around in Loki's grip, I notice that the mood has turned somber. Jax's brows are furrowed, Kai looks a little nervous, and Ash has a scowl marring his beautiful face. Even Loki is unusually silent next to me.
I step out from under his arm, going up to Jax, and use my thumb to smooth out his frown.
“Hey, big guy, I'll see you in a couple of weeks, okay?” I ask softly, trying to capture his gaze. He nods, then wraps a big hand around my throat, pulling my mouth to his, devouring my lips in a blistering kiss that leaves me panting and needy.
He pulls away, a small tilt lifting one side of his mouth, in an almost grin.Cocky bastard.
He steps back, releasing me. I turn to Kai next, who gives me a sweet smile, and opens his arms for me to step into. I'm surrounded by his fresh woodsy scent as he hugs me tightly and breathes me in, kissing the top of my head, my hands fisted into the front of his shirt. I look up, offering him my lips which he takes in one of his melting kisses. It's so different from the possession of Jax's, but it's no less devastating to my heart. It's full of calmness, an acceptance, yet also a desperate need, a wish, and I kiss him back just as achingly. I hate that he's going back to his uncle, that he'll be all alone there, after everything that he suffered at his uncle’s hands.
I know it won't be long, we all agreed to meet up on Boxing Day, December twenty-sixth. And if Jax is up for it, we will fly out to spend the rest of the break with him. But the days ahead of us until we meet up again are going to feel like a lifetime apart.
Tears spring to my eyes as he ends the kiss and drops his arms, giving me a sad smile.
