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I don’t know why the fact that I can negotiate and demand what I need to shocks me, but it did.
It shouldn’t.
Ever since our mom died when I was 15 and Lilah was 10, I’ve had to fill that space.
I was the one who remembered permission slips that needed signing and homework that needed checking.
I was the one who called the utilities and negotiated lower rates or extensions on bills, despite coming from assumed wealth.
I was the one who made sure things were kept quiet and under wraps, kept within the family.
I was also the one who made sure Lilah stayed safe.
I sigh, realizing the difference that I ignored.
All of those things protected the people I love.Not me. Advocating for things my family needed, that part was easy.
Advocating for myself?
That’s apparently a lot more difficult.
I’m stewing on this thought, the realization uncomfortable, when the music stops for a blissful moment.
Aching muscles I hadn’t realized I was tensing loosen, and I sigh in relief.
Sleep should come easy now.
And then the track changes, and the music starts back up.
“Noooo,” I groan out loud, reaching for a pillow to lay over my head.
It drowns nothing out.
In fact, I think all it does is keep in the negative thoughts and memories. Like being stuck under the pillow with them is giving them the gas they need to grow.
Memories I keep hidden.
Emotions and feelings I don’t let out. Ever.
I’m anew person. I don’t need to address these.
But stuck here, unable to sleep, my thoughts my only companion?
Yeah. They’re lashing out to wreak havoc.
I need to do something.
Rolling off my bed, I sit on the edge and look toward the door, trying to decide what to do.
The thought of going over there, talking to complete strangers who I'll be stuck working and living next to for at least a few years, puts me into utter panic.
A deep laugh breaks out over the music, and a mix of panic and guilt overtakes me.
They sound like they’re having fun.
Do I want to be the person who ruins that? The voice in my head telling me if I do that everyone will hate me gets louder.
But then New Lola comes out and smacks that voice straight across her face, sending her spiraling into oblivion.
