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It’s hard because every part of me knows I should be mad at him. I should be furious, in fact.
He is the reason I’m here. His bullshit, his addiction, his greed, that’s what put me here.
His complete disregard for me, for my business, my needs, for ourfamily.
Fuck. When I play it out like that, it’s clear I very muchshouldbe pissed.
I should tell him to leave. And from the pure venom, I can feel rolling off of Ben, he’s three seconds from kicking my father’s ass.
Unfortunately, there’s the crumb of me who remembers he’s my dad.
My dad. The man who taught me to ride a bike and who bought me the fanciest corsage for the daddy-daughter dance in fifth grade. The man who helped me carve pumpkins and killed spiders and told me to put on a sweater when he thought I was dressing too old for my age.
He’s the one who brought the order form to the office to make sure I sold the most cookies for Girl Scouts and the one who stayed up until midnight when I forgot about my science fair project, carefully constructing a volcano with me.
He’s my dad.
And I think there’s something in a girl that will forgive a fuck ton of shit from her dad just because he’s her dad.
“It’s okay,” I whisper to Ben
“No, it’s not.” It sounds like his words are coming through gritted teeth.
“Hey, Lolly,” Lilah says, and it takes a second for me even to recognize her.
She’s pale. And not because she’s not wearing her war paint of perfectly done makeup, but because she’spale.
“You okay?” she asks, coming over to grab my good hand.
“I’m good,” I say, grabbing her hand back and squeezing.
“Of course she’s good! Our Lola is tough, just like your mother raised her to be!”
In another universe, I’d respond and tell him he’s right.
In this universe, this version of Lola, I want to fight.
I want to tell him that’s not how Mom raised me. And even if she did, she would never in amillion yearshave expected it to be for this. Because my mom loved us, and she loved my dad, but most of all, she lovedfamily.All of us working together as one. Not one of us taking the wheel and throwing all of us under the bus to get what he wanted.
I see it now.
Thanks to Ben.
This isn’t about loyalty to family.
This isn’t about taking care of everyone. This isn’t about keeping my promise to Mom. Because when she made me promise all those years ago, this isn’t what she thought I’d be facing.
I think if she were here, if my mom were alive and in this hospital room, she’d wish I had taken Ben’s path. Valued myself over what my dad wanted, even if that meant I couldn’t give everything to Lilah. If it meant I couldn’t keep things quiet, keep her in the dark.
But before I can answer, my dad steps closer to me, probably to grab my hand or brush the hair from my face like he did when I was a kid.
Instead, Ben steps in front of him.
Shit.
My eyes go to Lilah, who, in her pale, shocked way, just looks lost. Then to Hattie, who has her eyes bugging out, like she knows what’s happening.
Then to my dad, whose brows are furrowed in clear confusion.
