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I break off with a swiftly indrawn breath as he grips the bottom of my face in one big hand, holding me prisoner as he says in a rough, raw voice, “It was everything you said and did. Every word, every laugh, every brilliant thought and perfect smile and…everything, Jess. It was everything about you and it hasalwaysbeen you. For ten fucking years, you were all I could think about, all I could dream about.” His lips twist. “And you loved me like a brother, which sometimes felt worse than not being loved at all.”
“Wh-what?” I croak out, my heart racing in my throat.
“I didn’t see a way to get to the place I wanted to be with you,” he continues, “but I couldn’t find another path forward with you so deep in my head and my heart. I didn’t know how tojustbe your friend anymore. It was ripping me apart and driving me crazy, so…I left. Without saying goodbye because I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t look at you and say goodbye and not say all the other stuff, too.”
I swallow, then swallow again, not sure if I’m going to laugh or cry or explode, only that some overwhelming emotion is rising in my chest, threatening to drown me in feelings so big I don’t know how to control them.
I’ve spent my entire life avoiding feelings, muting feelings, hiding feelings so that they wouldn’t upset my family. The Cho house is a peaceful house, even if that peace has to be maintained by all three of us stuffing our emotions down into a deep, dark corner of ourselves where they rot and fester.
“Miss Cho?” a polite feminine voice says from nearby.
I jump in my chair, flinching and bleating like a sheep as Sam releases me. I bolt to my feet, barely resisting the urge to grab the young nurse’s hands and cling to her like a lifeline. “Yes, I’m Miss Cho. Jessica. You can call me Jess. How is my mom? Is she going to be okay?”
“She’s going to be fine,” the nurse says. “It looks like it was a mild cardiac event, but the doctors want to keep her overnight for observation. They’ll also be talking to your family about cardiac rehab and how to help your mom get her heart in better shape.”
I nod so hard I feel like a bobblehead during an earthquake. “Yes, absolutely. We’ll help her do better with her diet and exercise and all of that.”
“And smoking,” the nurse says, making my bobbing head still and my chin jerk back into my neck. “She’ll have to stop as soon as possible.”
“But…” I snort out an awkward laugh. “My mom doesn’t smoke.”
The nurse’s brows lift. “Oh. Well, she told the doctor she has a pack-every-other-day habit, so…I’m not sure what to tell you. Either way, we’ll give you all a comprehensive list of steps to take to make sure her first heart attack is her last, okay?” She smiles, glancing at Sam, her expression growing troubled as she asks, “Are you okay, sir?”
I glance back to see Sam looking like he just ate about a pound of rat poison before running a marathon. His face is flushed, and his usually bronzed skin looks pale and jaundiced underneath. “I’m fine, thanks,” he says, his gaze fixed on his interlocked fingers.
“Okay, well, let the reception desk know if you two need anything. We have water and snacks and Sudoku for family members. I’ll be back to give you directions to her room as soon as we have a placement.”
“Thank you,” I mutter, tugging at my collar as I turn to face Sam.
Sam, who isin lovewith me.
Sam, who has evidentlyalwaysbeen in love with me.
Sam, who is…gone.
Before I can beg him to wait and give me a second to pull my head together, Sam has bolted for the door, mumbling something about going for flowers. I start after him, jogging to catch up with his much-longer stride, only to nearly collide with a stretcher zooming through the sliding glass doors.
A stretcher with my cousin Vicky on it, moaning and clutching her stomach, and Steve and my dad not far behind the EMTs racing for the elevators down the hall to the left.
“We’re headed up to labor and delivery,” Steve says as he rushes by. “The baby’s coming early. How’s your mom?”
“She’s fine, or she’s going to be. Don’t worry about us, just focus on the baby,” I say, taking my dad’s arm, my heart breaking at the terror on his face.
My mom and dad have never been a demonstrative couple. They don’t kiss or cuddle or whisper sweet nothings to each other while they’re washing and drying dishes, but my father has brought her breakfast in bed on Saturdays for as long as I can remember and my mother never misses a chance to sing Dad’s praises in public, making up for Dad’s soft-spoken nature by raising her voice for the both of them.
They’ve been in love since they were twenty and nineteen years old and have rarely spent a single night apart. Losing Mom would kill Dad.
The thought brings something Sam said popping back into my brain, but there’s no time to analyze any of that right now.
I have to calm Dad down beforehehas a heart attack.
“She’s fine,” I repeat, holding tight to his arm as I lead him into the ER waiting room. “They said it was a mild cardiac event and she’s going to be fine. She just needs to make a few adjustments to her lifestyle to make sure it doesn’t happen again.” Which reminds me… “Mom doesn’t smoke, does she? The nurse said she did, but she must have her confused with someone else.”
Dad settles into a chair with a sigh before shooting a guilty glance my way. “She never wanted you to know. She always goes outside in her raincoat with the hood up to keep her hair from getting smoky and then washes up right after. She was ashamed that she couldn’t seem to quit. She didn’t want to set a bad example for you or your friends.”
“Wow.” I sit back into my chair, feeling like I just took a punch to the chest. “How did I never notice that? Not once in my entire life?”
“Your mom was very careful,” Dad says, patting my knee with his usual gentleness. “And we mostly see what we expect to see. It’s the way humans are.”
