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“Yeah. I should. I’m going to.”
He let go of me to put the first aid box away, then reached over and turned off the bathtub faucet. “Bath time,” he said, giving my thigh a little smack. “I’m gonna order some dinner. Pizza sound okay?”
“Sure. Anything.”
“What do you like on it?”
I shrugged. “Anything,” I said again. I didn’t have those kinds of preferences, I took what I could get, and questions like that made me uncomfortable. “I don’t care.”
He made a weird face, biting on his mouth, and then nodded. “Okay,” he said, like something definitely wasn’t okay. Then he nodded again. “Take your time.”
CHAPTER THREE
I guess it was stupidI thought he might stay. Help me into the tub and, I don’t know, wash me or something. Sit there. Be there.
But the fact that he didn’t meant I could undress in front of the mirror on the back of the door, staring at myself, peeling my shorts off and twisting around to admire all the color on my ass. I was feeling pretty fucking tender, but I didn’t look nearly as hot and red as I thought I would. Still. Pink looked pretty good on me. It was probably gonna feel pretty good sliding down into that hot tub, like that wasn’t already sounding like a dream.
I gave my cheek a smack and watched my reflection jiggle, and yeah, that was fucking hot. Smarted too. The guy was strong, and he’d laid into me hard. Be cool to watch him put that color on me live in one of those big mirrors, maybe. If that didn’t wear out my embarrassment button, probably nothing would.
I let my eyes sneak up to my face and that was a mistake I couldn’t seem to stop making. I was pale. And my cheeks were red. I looked like some freakish kind of doll. A broken one with that stupid bandage on my head.
I fucked with my hair enough to cover it and then slicked it back again, staring. For the first time since it happened, I didn’t feel queasy looking at my forehead, didn’t feel the ache in my jaw as I ground my molars together with twelve kinds of rage. The band-aid looked dumb as hell, but it was better not to see what was underneath.
“You shouldn’t,” I told my reflection quietly, just like I’d said to Caleb. I still didn’t know exactly what I meant, just that I wasn’t pulling away from all of this the way I should be, the way I’d trained myself to. Don’t get attached, don’t get used to things, don’t let yourself feel anything when someone’s nice to you. But it was too late for that, wasn’t it?
I could pretend all I wanted I’d been using him for some other reason, but it was all over my face now. I was an addict, looked like. Just like my mom. Just like my dad probably, whoever the fuck he was. I was addicted to being protected. Obsessed over. Taken care of. Spoiled and punished. I wanted everything he was giving me, and the number of times that had happened in my life was zero.
This felt like such a bad fucking trick, a dirty high that was going to make me sick as hell when I crashed. But I really didn’t have anything to lose. My dignity. My sanity, maybe. But what were those worth?
The water burned my feet for a minute when I stepped in, and I stared down at the clear water and the bright white tub, feeling a little woozy. This day felt a million years long and all the adrenaline followed by all the soft talk made me exhausted in a brand new way. I hadn’t felt anything brand new in a long, long time.
My ass might not have looked too bad, but as I sank down into the water, every bit of my sore, raw skin lit up. I shifted around, my weight putting pressure on spots I didn’t realize were aching, and everything felt even warmer inside and out. I leaned back against the tub and slid down until the water lapped against my chin, smothering me with heat until I could feel sweat beading up at my temples and I never wanted to get out.
How long since I’d sat in a fucking bathtub? Seemed like I had memories, but they were too old and blurry to be reliable. It wasn’t something I ever thought about or wanted, but it seemed like what Iwantedwasn’t the most reliable thing either. Didn’t hurt having a guy around who could read my mind, offer up what would feel good before I even had to guess. Fucking Beast. Jesus Christ, what the fuck.
There was a window high over the bathtub, one of those ones made of wobbly glass blocks you couldn’t see much through but light. Enough to tell it was still dark outside, still raining, harder again now, and I wondered what was happening at my house. If the bucket had finally filled up and overflowed, if the ceiling had finally caved in, if anyone would even notice I was gone.
I guess I didn’t really care.
CHAPTER FOUR
“Hey, I forgot… clothes,”I said, coming back into his bedroom with the towel he’d left folded on the sink wrapped around my hips. It was so big it almost hit my shins and fluffy like it just came out of the dryer. And gray.
I didn’t have a lot of luxury fantasies, but clean, fluffy towels were on the shortlist. I already felt way too goddamn comfortable here, which was a hell of a thing, considering I wasn’t comfortable much of anywhere. Should have been freaking me out a lot more than it was, but I’d just maybe hit a wall as far as that shit went. Couldn’t feel much besides how soft the towel felt and how fucking clean my skin felt. Anything past that and my brain was throwing up flags.
Caleb was standing in front of the wide open closet, moving hangers around, and I went over and reached out like something was pulling on me, running my fingers over the lineup of gray, gray, gray sweaters, all just a little bit different, like a fucking gray rainbow, and damn, so soft.
“Thought all your sweaters were at the dry cleaners.” Not that he wasn’t killing it in a black tshirt, but…
He glanced over at me, smirking. “That was a joke.”
“I don’t know if you’re very good at jokes.”
“Thanks for the input. We can’t all be Ellis, I guess.”
I snorted. “You’re pretty funny when you take his knees out,” I admitted. “I just never know what you’re going to say. Or do. I don’t know anybody like you, Beast.”
“Good,” he said, and I laughed again, even though I didn’t think that was a joke. Just proving me right, I guess.
