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“Nothing,” I gritted through my teeth, and Ithoughtthat was true, at least it had been a minute ago when I was just calm and warm and thankful. But it was another lie, another mess inside me, just waiting to explode. I was sotiredof being angry all the time. So tired of holding myself in check and pretending I wasn’t.Just so tired.
“Let it out, baby,” he said, pushing just a little harder. “We’re gonna be here until you do.”
And then like some terrifying magic trick I couldn’t stop, I felt a mountain of rage I hadn’t even seen before start to turn into an avalanche, tumble down onto my tongue before I knew what I was saying.
“You left me,”I choked out, and fuck, it sounded scary and raw and I didn’t want to hear myself, and I covered my head with my arms while I kept screaming, like I wasn’t the one making all the noise. “Ineed help,Ineed you,me. I wanted you with me and youleftme. Why can’t it everjust be me?”
“Shhhh. It’s okay. That’s a good boy. That’s my brave little boy. Daddy’s here.”
“Shut up,” I muttered into the sheets, but I didn’t want him to. I wanted all the compliments and all the attention and all of him. Everything. No matter how stupid it sounded.
“You wanted me to stay home and help you study.”
I winced and sniffled and heard exactly how childish and ridiculous that sounded, but that was exactly what I fucking wanted. “Yes.Mytest is the most important. You’remytutor. You’remine. It isn’tfair.”
He was quiet while he rubbed my back and I just stayed there still and sick to my stomach hearing my whiny, embarrassing bullshit echo over and over.
“You’re right,” he finally told me. “It isn’t fair. You’re the most important thing to me and this test is the most important thing to you, and this is where I should be right now. Helping you study and making sure you know I’m not ever going to leave you or let you down. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head, feeling overwhelmed. I didn’t get fucking apologies, and his came so easy and was so sincere I felt guilty like a motherfucker for whining about him going to his fuckingjob. Like what right did I have to complain about anything?
I didn’t even know how to react to this, what I was supposed to say. I didn’t want him apologizing. I was pretty sure I’d have felt better if he’d just told me to stop acting like a spoiled brat and appreciate all the good shit I already had instead of complaining about the one hour I didn’t. Jesus, if I was him, I’d have beat my ass harder, not said I was sorry.
“It’s okay,” I whispered, and it kind of did feel okay. Not good, but I wasn’t sure good was even the best way I knew how to feel.Fairwas the max-out moment for me, the thing that seemed impossible, someone sayingyou’re right, that isn’t fairbasically made being alive on this stupid planet actually worth it.
“It’s not okay,” he told me. “But now that I understand, I can fix it. I can helpyoustudy until this test is over and nobody else. You get all my time.Youare the most important, and I’m going to make sure you know that. You just let me fix it, alright, baby?”
“Alright,” I finally said, and I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant, but I was on board.
“Good boy.” He rubbed his hand across my ass, and I shivered. “Such a good boy. Now, let’s finish this up.”
I twisted around to see if he was joking. That had definitely felt like a finale to me, and my ass was burning. “I’m finished,” I told him.
He laughed. “Mmmhmm. I bet you are. But just because you finally told me what was bothering you doesn’t mean you don’t get punished for misbehaving. I don’t think your bottom is quite sore enough yet. That was quite a tantrum you had, seems like youreallyneeded Daddy’s attention. I want you squirming in school tomorrow every time you sit down, remembering how you’re always going to get the attention you need.”
I moaned and pushed my toes against the floor again, lifting up and eager for a spanking that would make me feel wanted and owned. As fucked up as it was, it seemed like punishment might be my one chance at feeling whole.
“Daddy’s in charge,” he told me quietly, pressing me back down and rubbing his palm across me, and I nodded, sighing into my arms and closing my eyes, getting comfortable as his touch got a little rougher, squeezing with his fingertips, digging the heel of his palm into the warmest spot.
I craved that rough, possessive shit so much, I didn’t know how the fuck I lived without it all this time, so hung up on always being the one in control. Letting my guard down was still fucking terrifying, even like this, especially like this, letting somebody see this part of me that hurt so fucking much. But thinking about going back to the way things were, never hearing him sayDaddy’s in chargeagain, hurt so much more.
“Okay.”
“Daddy spanks you because he cares about you. I want you to be good. No more throwing things or kicking things or breaking important rules to get attention. If I have to spank you for behaving that way again, you won’t like it nearly as much.”
“I will, though.”
He snorted and I could picture his smirk as he squeezed my ass hard. “Maybe you will. You don’t have to hate your spankings. As long as you learn your lesson. I don’t hate spanking you. I like teaching you to be a good boy.”
The warm, fluttery feeling in my gut was a surprise. “You do?”
“Of course I do. When your bottom’s red it means you’re being taken care of. I just want you to be taken care of.”
I sighed and stuck my ass higher in the air for him. “Okay.”
“Good boy,” he said again, and yeah, he was drowning me in those words, to a ridiculous degree, and I should have felt stupid about it, but I didn’t care. I wanted to be good for him so much.
When his hand came down again, it wasn’t hard, but he spanked a little lower, hitting the bare bottoms of my cheeks that were flashing out the edges of my shorts, a fresh little garnish of pain on top of the dull heat. Firm, monotonous, loud smacks, that should have hurt, deserved to hurt, but comforted more.
