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I was stuck looking for bigger words again, because green-means-go wasn’t cutting it when I was buzzing and floating like this. “Gray,” I finally told him.
“What does gray mean?” he asked me, when I figured that was cringey obvious. Gray meant soft sweaters and comfortable bedrooms and eyes that were never mean and skies that tore the roof open and washed your whole shitty life away.
“Really good. Higher than green. Gray is the best. All the way up.”
He laughed softly. “Okay. I guess I’m gray too then. It makes me feel really good when you let me take care of you. You know that?”
“Yes, Daddy,” I whispered, just loud enough to hear.
I reallycouldtell how much he liked babying me and it made everything so much better and so much worse. I literally wanted to beat the shit out of myself for letting him bring me here, setting myself up for some fall that was going to crush me, like I was as brainless as people thought I was. But holy fuck I’d never felt as good as I did right now in my entire life and that was the fucking truth.
He patted my ass and then he pulled my sweats back up and I guess I wasn’t even disappointed he didn’t try to get some, since I felt so satisfied anyway. Still, my hole was feeling awfully fucking lonely, all stretched and sensitive with nothing in there, like an empty parking spot.
Would have been nice if he’d dropped down on top of me and just slid up inside, snuggled up between my cheeks and kept me all full and cozy while I had a little nap. Just fuck me to sleep and shit.
“God, you poor thing, you’re so tired,” he laughed, like he could read my mind.
I’d been tired plenty of times. Lived my life tired, in fact, but never in a bed like this. Never with someone whose hands felt like lullabies rubbing me down.
“I’ll rally,” I told him, but the words barely came out and I didn’t think they sounded like they looked in my head.
“Okay, new plan. Nap time for you. Pizza’s just as good later on. I don’t want you to fall asleep eating.”
“I won’t.” I pushed myself up and he put his hand between my shoulders and pushed me right back down.
“I know you won’t. I know you’ll force yourself through anything whether it’s good for you or not. That’s why you’re here. So I can tell you not to do that and stop you if you try. You’ve had a long, hard day and it’s time to rest awhile. Now I want you to crawl under the covers and close your eyes and when you wake up we’ll eat pizza. It’s that simple. Or you can keep arguing and I can spank you before your nap.”
God if I’d had just a tiny bit more energy I would have kept arguing, because that sounded so fucking nice, laying over his knee, the sound of my own ass getting smacked lulling me to sleep, getting spanked and put to bed like he was actually the boss of me. It was like that corner time shit, a really queasy turn on that was already feeling a lot less queasy.
“Another time though,” I told him, and he laughed.
“Another time, I promise.” He reached past me to grab the edge of the blankets, pulling them down so I just had to roll and climb over them to get underneath. God the sheets were just as nice as I imagined, light gray and all crisp like he’d changed them this morning. Better than green. All the way up.
“You’ll stay though.” It was a demand, not a request, but as soon as my head hit the pillow it was more a whisper than anything.
“Of course I will. I’ll go grab the food when it comes, and after that, I’ll come right back and get in bed with you. Wrap my arms around you until you wake up.”
He tucked the blankets up to my chin and I was pretty sure it was illegal to be so comfortable.
“Okay, Daddy,” I think I managed to say before sleep took me the fuck out.
CHAPTER FIVE
I had nightmares so oftenthey were really just dreams at this point. They weren’t usually detailed. Things about school sometimes— forgetting my homework or where my locker was, or my mom showing up in my class. But mostly it was just vague inescapable dread that didn’t really change all that much when I opened my eyes.
Even when I couldn’t remember dreaming anything, I still woke up growing a panic attack in my chest, ugly, dark vibes clinging to me while I stared out the window waiting for the sun to come up, too tired to be awake but too wound up to fall back asleep. It wasn’t really fair to love sleeping and hate sleeping so much at the same time. But what was fair.
You might think getting rescued like a puppy and pampered like a baby and tucked into a big soft bed by someone who kissed you goodnight might signal to your brain it could take the night off from the dark shit, but my brain didn’t take orders from anybody.
This time it was vivid. Someone outside my bedroom window again, screaming, throwing bottles, breaking glass while I tried to stop water from pouring in from more and more leaks in the ceiling. It was heavy and suffocating, the kind of sleep I woke up from choking and sweating with the sheets tangled around me, but this time I woke up with Caleb tangled around me instead.
His hands and arms seemed everywhere, trying to steady me and shake me awake at the same time, and it was a lot to fucking process.
The lights were still on and that helped some, reminding me where I was when I opened my eyes. The way he smelled helped too, familiar and already something I’d been wrapping myself up in when everything sucked. And then he put his hand on my face and I fucking lost my shit. In a good way, I guess.
I don’t know what it was about him touching me that way that hit me so hard. But it cut me deep every time, slicing me right down to the feels, and I just dove into his chest like everything I needed was right there.
He was so warm, and I curled up against him like he was a fire and I was freezing. He tucked me in closer, wrapping his arms across my back and settling his chin on my head, saying something likeIt’s okay, you’re okaythat got lost in the cave he had me crushed in. Swear to god, I didn’t recognize myself. I was not into this kind of touchy, feely, hugging, cuddling garbage, but man, I sure was acting like someone who was.
