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“You don’t know what things are going to look like two years from now, and you can’t base this decision on one person. Just because Vancouver has you doesn’t mean it’s going to be the only option.”
“It’s the only one I’m hearing about! I’m not being separated from her again. You’ll never understand what it’s like. I’m not you. I can’t walk away from the person I love and just deal for a year. I will lose my fucking mind!”
There’s some muttering on the other end of the line, and suddenly it’s his mom on the phone instead of his dad, her voice soft, but strong. “Kodiak, remember that your words have an impact on the people they’re directed at, and throwing the past in someone’s face is not a way to manage your emotions.”
The shift in his demeanor is immediate. “You don’t understand, Mom.”
“You’re right, I don’t. I will never truly be able to understand what this is like for you, or for Lavender, because it’s notmyexperience. You can be angry about the past, but at some point, you have to let it go and live in your present. I know you’re worried about signing a contract that will take you away from Lavender again, but you can’t tether yourself to her, or rely on her as the sole source of your happiness. Otherwise you’re going in reverse.”
“We’re doing so good right now, though. I don’t want to lose this.”
“No one says you have to, Kodiak.”
“How is it gonna work if I’m halfway across the country? I’ll be traveling nine months out of the year.” He rubs the space between his eyes.
“Have faith that your relationship is strong enough to withstand this,” she tells him.
“What ifI’mnot strong enough?” he asks softly as I step into the living room. He catches the movement, and his face pales. “Lavender’s home. I gotta go. I love you, Mom. Tell Dad I’m sorry. I’ll see you in a few days.” He ends the call and tosses the phone on the couch. “How much of that did you hear?”
There’s no point in lying. “Vancouver wants you.”
He shakes his head. “I won’t do it. I won’t take the deal.”
I bridge the gap between us, link our pinkies, and guide him to the couch. He sits heavily and rests his forearms on his thighs.
“We knew this was coming.” I run my fingers through his hair, pushing it out of his eyes, but he bows his head.
“I won’t go to the West Coast. I’m not leaving you.” His knees bounce, even though I know he’s trying to force them to stay still.
“Kodiak, look at me.” He glances at me briefly, and all I see is fear. These are the times I don’t envy him and his massive brain. He unpacks every scenario in his head and runs it through, finding a fatalistic ending that drags him down into a soul-crushing abyss of terror.
I straddle his thighs and place my palm on the side of his neck. His pulse pounds violently. “I know you’re scared, but you have to take the deal.”
“I don’t want to risk losing you,” he whispers.
“Why do you think you’d lose me?”
“It’s the other side of the country. I’ll hardly see you.” His face is etched with pain. “What if you decide it’s too hard? What if I can’t handle it?”
“Of course it’s going to be hard, but have faith that wecanhandle it.” I stroke his cheek, hating that I have to do this. “You have to promise me you’ll take a deal, Kodiak, even if it’s on the West Coast. You wouldn’t let me walk away from an opportunity to live my dream, and I won’t let you do that either.”
“It’s not the same. This is a two-month internship, not a contract that’s going to lock you in for years in another country.”
I sigh, weighing how best to approach this. “I will not let you waste your talent on fear of the unknown. And I refuse to carry that kind of guilt around with me for the rest of my life. We already know what that looks like.”
His panic flares, and despite the fact that I’m sitting on his legs, they still manage a couple of bounces before they still. “What’re you saying?”
“You can’t put your life on hold. Youhaveto sign with a team this year.”
His eyes harden, and his jaw tightens. I sincerely hope we’re not gearing up for a fight. “What if that’s not what I want? What if I want to go to grad school instead?”
I make a face. “You would’ve applied if that’s what you wanted, and you didn’t. Your mom posts the video of you playing hockey in your crib every year on your birthday. You played almost before you could walk. This is what you were meant to do, and you will be amazing no matter what team you play for or where. But youwillplay for a team this year.”
Fear and anger twine together. “This sounds a lot like an ultimatum, Lavender.”
I stroke his cheek; my anxiety mirrors his. “What do you think will happen to us if you throw away everything you’ve been working for just so you can be close to me? Isn’t that us falling into the same pattern of dependency we’ve worked so hard to overcome? How do you think that will end?”
He puts his hand over mine, and his eyes fall shut. He inhales deeply and releases the breath slowly, seeking calm as he absorbs my words. I allow him to fall back into the past, reliving every instance in which he tried to save me from myself, but couldn’t. He was great at calming the aftermath, but onlyIcould ever save myself. Now it’s my turn to save him from me.
