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“Everything drives River insane, and we were kids.”
“Nothing drives River more insane than the way Kody was with you, and you know it.”
I nod because it’s true.
BJ crosses one leg over the other. “I get that we were kids, but like I said, it’s weird shit. We all knew it was something way bigger. Like, I’m tight with Quinn and River as much as anyone can be, but you and Kody were an extension of each other. He’s never been like that with anyone else. He even keeps Maverick at arm’s length. But back when we were kids, when you moved, he moved. You were completely in sync with each other. It was like watching a perfect-ten pairs performance on the ice.”
I’ve watched BJ skate pairs competitions before. He’s absolutely amazing, and it’s easy to see why pretty much every partner he’s ever had falls hopelessly in love with him. He pretends it isn’t happening.
I consider how my relationship with Kodiak must have appeared to our friends. BJ’s right; Kodiak and I always had a very strange kind of connection.
“Everyone thought it was so cute, but after that night you got locked in the closet, things changed.” BJ looks away from his smoking house, all sorts of questions in his eyes.
No one really talked about the closet incident after it happened. For about a week, Maverick went to Kodiak’s house and he didn’t come to ours, but it wasn’t because of me. River was the issue. Lainey and my mom had closed-door conversations, and I saw Queenie every day during that time.
The longer they kept us apart, the worse my anxiety got, and I started having nightmares about being locked in the closet. I slept in River’s room, and still the nightmares kept coming. Eventually they gave in and let Kodiak come over when River was out with friends. I still remember how hard it was not to rush up and hug him, to soak in the balm of his presence like a sponge.
He’d looked so tired, like me. And worn out, like me.
That event had flipped a switch in both of us. We recognized exactly what we could do for each other, and it became . . . addictive. I can see now how dangerous that probably was. Power wielded over each other has the ability to both build and break.
“Kodiak was only trying to help me. That’s all he was ever trying to do. It just became unhealthy for both of us.” At least that’s what our parents eventually decided.
BJ stays silent for a while. “But then something happened two years ago with you guys, when he was a sophomore here.”
My head snaps in his direction. “Nothing ha—”
I stop, because he’s giving me the BJfuck-offlook. “He spiraled after winter break. So whatever happened was big. Kody went dark after that. He didn’t eat for days, and he’s always so rigid about everything. He spent hours at the gym, like he was punishing himself. And girls started talking. Like, he’d never been big on hookups, but there were rumors . . .”
I don’t want to think about Kodiak with an endless stream of girls, but I can’t help but be curious. “What kind of rumors?”
“Like, he wouldn’t let anyone touch him.” BJ blows out a breath. “I should not be telling you this shit.”
“What do you mean he wouldn’t let anyone touch him? I’ve seen girls put their hands on him plenty of times.”
“I don’t know. It’s just rumors.”
“Which are usually built on a grain of truth.”
“All I’m saying is whatever happened or didn’t happen between the two of you over winter break that year really messed him up—more than he already is, anyway. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live inside his head. It’s bad enough that he’s an elite athlete, but to be that smart too? It’s like he can predict his own mistakes before he makes them. It would drive me mental.”
I nod. “His panic attacks used to be legendary.”
“They still are; he just suffers silently now.”
I don’t ask what that means.
Chapter Fifteen
No Empty Spaces
Lavender
Present day
ALITTLE WHILElater BJ and I realize that with the parents descending, we’re going to need the housenotto look like a complete man cave sty so we rush around, cleaning up the worst of the mess. It takes us an entire hour to manage the kitchen and the living room.
The backyard could be better, but there’s not a lot we can do with the limited time we have. BJ tosses the empties and the Solo cups into garbage bags before the doorbell rings.
