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Her eyes flash with indignation. It’s understandable, but it’s terrifying all the same. “You’d barely spoken to me in months. What was I saying goodbye to? And it’s not as though you made an effort to reach outafteryou moved anyway!”
“I did try, but you shut me down and then stopped responding!”
“River blocked your messages,” she says softly. “I didn’t know until recently.”
“Of course he fucking did. And you know what? He was right to do it because I wouldn’t have been able to let you go otherwise. After we moved, I still missed you all the damn time. It killed me that you were gone from my world, but there wasn’t another option. I wasn’t going to be good for you. Everyone saw what I couldn’t. I was naïve to believe that after five fucking years I could handle being near you again. I couldn’t deal at all. All it took was seeing you once and everything came rushing back. I was still going to be toxic for you. And you weren’t a kid anymore, which made it worse. Nothing had changed, Lavender. Not for me. I felt exactly the same as I had the day I moved away from you, so I lied.” She’s silent and unmoving, so I continue, digging my own grave. “That night when you came and found me at your parents’—”
“You mean the night I caught you creeping on me and followed you back to the spare room, and you made me repeat all of those horrible things you said?” Her voice is hard and sharp like knives.
I stop in front of her. “You were seventeen, and I was already in college. If I had done what I’d wanted to, I would have caused us to implode. I wouldn’t have been able to manage the distance and not being there when you needed me. I already knew what leaving you felt like. I didn’t think I’d survive it again.”
“So you told me you didn’t want me and you never would.”
“I lied to save you from me.” My chest aches, and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
She rubs the scar on her bottom lip. “And all the shit you’ve pulled this year? The horrible things you’ve said and done? I’m just supposed to forgive you because you decided this was how you were going to protect me?”
“No. Yes. I don’t know. I just want you to understand.”
“You made me feel likenothing. You were a huge part of my life, and you abandoned me.”
“Because I loved you, I l—”
She recoils and puts her hands up defensively. “Donotfinish that sentence. You don’t deserve to say those words, not with the way you’ve treated me. From the first day I came here, you made me feel like a nuisance.”
“I wasn’t prepared for what it was like to be this close to you again.”
I was drafted during my freshman year to Vancouver, but my mom and I talked it through with my dad and decided I should finish my degree. I have a great team and coaching staff here, so Vancouver agreed. As much as hockey is my life, I’ve always wanted a backup plan. Concussions can cause a lot of damage, and I’m screwed up enough as it is. I won’t risk my brain for a sweet paycheck.
But the real truth is, I wanted to stay because I knew there was a very good chance Lavender would be here. Some small part of me wanted to prove I was over her, though I knew I wasn’t. I didn’t have to dig very deep to come to that conclusion. It took one five-minute trip in a car with her to realize I was fucked.
“So you were an asshole instead.” She exhales a slow breath. “And Bethany, the girl who came out of your house not half an hour after you dropped me off that first day, did you fuck her right after you made me feel worthless and insignificant?”
“What? No.” I don’t know how she even knows about Bethany being anywhere near me.
As if she can read my mind, she says, “I was on my way back to campus when she walked by me. She was talking about being in your room and having an in. Might as well tell the truth, Kodiak. All the little lies are piling up and burying you.”
“I didn’t touch her.” I feel sick thinking about that day. How I behaved. What I almost let happen.
“I can hear thebutin there. Something must’ve happened. I saw you with her again.”
I rub the bridge of my nose. “But I didn’t touch her.”
“This distinction really seems to matter to you, doesn’t it, Kodiak? As if your inaction somehow makes it better. Did she touchyouthat first day, after you humiliated me and drove me home? Did you letherput her hands on you, then?”
I shake my head, swallowing past the lump in my throat.
Lavender tilts her head to the side, pensive. Too perceptive. Even after all these years, she knows me too well for my own good. “So what happened then?”
“She wouldn’t leave.”
“Did you use your words, Kodiak? Seems like you’re pretty good at pushing people away when you want to.” She turns, giving me her profile, her fingers curl into fists and release. “Have you fucked her?”
“No.”
“Has she fuckedyou?” She smiles at the distinction she’s making, although it’s cynical.
“No.” Although she’s tried on multiple occasions to make it happen. She’s persistent and desperate, the latter of which I’m highly familiar with.
