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“Agreed. Better than I realized, maybe.”
“She’s always had her own way of doing things.” He pops another piece of cereal in his mouth. “It’s like her star has finally started to shine. It’s good. But it can’t be easy for you.”
“How so?” Having Lavender move in here was my idea.
BJ steeples his fingers and taps them against his lips. “Your friendship with Kody has always been . . . tricky.”
“You mean because he’s always been in love with my sister?” I don’t mean for those words to come out with bite. Do I want my sister and my best friend to be happy together? Absolutely. But it digs at sore places.
BJ shakes his head. “It’s more than just love, though. Those two.” He takes a moment to think before he speaks, which is BJ’s way of having conversations. Sometimes it takes an hour to get to the point, but most of the time, by the end, the picture is a lot clearer than when we started. “They’re soul mates. They can’t help but be drawn to each other. And Kody, man, he tortured himself for years over her.”
“Because of the carnival,” I mutter.
BJ’s eyes shift to mine and spark. “That’s part of it, yes. But there are so many layers. He lived to save her after that happened.”
“And I’ve always been the tightrope he had to walk to get to her. But now that he has her, where does that leave me?” I don’t expect the bitterness in my tone, or the way I suddenly feel even more . . . insecure maybe? Today is a bag of shit.
“Ah. And there it is. The real issue.” BJ props his elbows on the table and leans forward. “I challenge you to look at it another way, Maverick. You were never the tightrope. You were Kody’s anchor and Lavender’s shield. You prevented him from getting to her before he was ready to deal with what it meant to have found the person he was destined to love more than any other. Because let’s face it, Kody can’t half-ass his feelings. He only experiences the world in two ways—full color or none at all. And Lavender, well, she’s his fucking rainbow.”
“I don’t even know how to be his friend anymore. I feel like I’ve become a black cloud or something. Like I’m a reminder of all the ways things got screwed up when we were kids. I don’t know. Everything has changed.” I wish I understood why this whole thing makes me feel . . . like I’m mourning something maybe.
BJ leans back in his chair. “You’re not a black cloud. You’re the threat of lightning that can blow it all to pieces. The gatekeeper. And he needed you to be that. Lavender needed you to be her quiet shield. You never openly stood in their way, but you were there to keep watch. It’s what you do, Maverick. Unconsciously, consciously, you protect everyone around you. Which begs the question, who protects you?”
I stare at him for a few long seconds, processing. He’s more right than I want him to be. “Who the fuck are you?”
“Just a dude who keeps my eyes open even when they’re closed.”
“I don’t think I’d ever want to spend a day in your head. I’d drown it’s so deep.”
“Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’re trying to change the subject.” He pops another piece of cereal into his mouth and chews twice. “How many close friends does Kody have?”
“Is that a trick question?”
“It’s not supposed to be. Who does Kody willingly spend time with? Lavender aside, obviously.”
“Me, you, Quinn, uh . . .” I stall, thinking about who Kody gets messages from, who he makes plans with, which is limited to the guys he lives with, one of whom is BJ, and me. Sure, he’ll interact with all the Buttersons, and our teammates when we’re at practice or in the locker room, but he doesn’t go out of his way to talk to any of them. “That can’t be it.”
“Can’t it?”
“He has more friends than you and me.” But now as I sit here, I have to ask myself if I have any friends besides him and Kody either. Because as much as I might go for beers with those guys, I wouldn’t really call them friends. Acquaintances, maybe.
“Does he ever talk about the people he spent time with when he lived in Philly?”
I think about that for a moment. “Not really.”
“Not at all,” BJ corrects. “But when he moved, he stayed in contact with you, and me to some extent, but not to the same degree. And when you guys were applying to colleges, he’s the one who started the group chat, making sure you were both applying here. You’ve never been his default friend, Mav. He doesn’t operate that way. He either is or he isn’t. He doesn’t have an in-between. I know it has to be awkward as fuck for you to figure out where the new lines are in your friendship, but consider how it’s been for him—never wanting to let you down and afraid he’s going to fuck this up and lose not only his soul mate, but possibly his best friend too.”
“He’s never around anymore, and when he is, he’s with Lavender,” I argue. “I’ve tried to make plans with him, but it’s like I’m an afterthought now. I feel like I’velostmy best friend. Like outside of hockey, I’m irrelevant.”
BJ leans back in his chair and laces his hands behind his head with a nod. “This is not me saying you don’t have a right to feel the way you do. But I think you’ve also taken a big step back, consciously or not. Maybe to give them room to do their thing, or maybe to protect yourself because subconsciously you expect him to pick her over your friendship.”
I scrub my hands over my face—carefully. It still kind of hurts. “Yeah, maybe you have a point. But the make-out sessions on the living room couch are more than I can deal with, regardless.”
“That’s fair. But also infrequent. And I bet Kody is struggling as much as you are with how this all should work. Just talk to him about it, man. You’ve been friends since before you were born. There’s a balance here. You just need to find it.”
“Have you ever considered becoming a therapist?”
BJ pops another piece of cereal in his mouth and chews before answering. “That’s not my path right now. That’s not to say it won’t be eventually, but I have other things I need to do first.”
