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With shaking hands, she went into the bathroom, and got one of the tests. She had taken so many pregnancy tests. In spite of the fact that she never had a late period. She had done it just because she had hoped. She had kept them on hand just in case. But they were good for three days before a missed period, and she had kept them and taken them three days before more than once. And now they had just been sitting there for a couple of years. No reason to be taken.
It was such a strange, familiar routine. But in the past, she hadn’t had a missed period. In the past, even though she had hoped, she had been certain of the outcome. She was not that certain here.
And when two pink lines came into view for the first time in her damned life, she could not believe it. She swallowed hard and exited the bathroom.
“It was positive,” she said, standing there looking at Juniper, trying to gauge her expression.
“Oh, Shelby. You want this, though. I know you do. You want a baby.”
Suddenly the intense misery that overwhelmed her was almost too much.
“I wanted my husband’s baby,” she said, her eyes filling with tears. “Why didn’t we get to have that? All those years, and we didn’t get pregnant. I didn’t get to give this to him. He died and he never got to have it. And I’m... I’m going to do it without him. Because I had sex with someone else. Because I...”
“You’re still alive, Shelby,” Juniper said, crossing the space and taking her face in her hands. “You’re alive. You’re going to move on, you’re going to do things that Chuck couldn’t do. And I know it’s not fair. I know. I loved him too. He was like a brother to me. Shelby, when I came upon the scene of his accident, when I had to tell you... It was the worst day of my life. It is still the worst day of my life. There is nothing that will ever match that. It was hell. We both went through hell. But you’re alive. And he isn’t. So yes. You’re going to have sex with other people. You’re going to smile again. You’re going to be happy. You’re going to feel good things and bad things. And if you want to, you get to be a mother.”
“I could still lose this pregnancy.”
“You could. But you could still be a mother if you choose to be. You could still adopt, you could get fertility treatments until it happens. It’s your life, Shelby. And nobody gets to tell you how to live it. And it doesn’t have to stop. It doesn’t have to stop just because you lost somebody. You don’t owe him a half life.”
“But it feels like I do.”
“I know.”
“And that it’s Kit’s makes it even worse.”
“Why does it make it worse?”
She wanted to hide from that question. But she knew hiding was over. “Well, first of all, I can’t keep it from him. And second of all... I feel guilty.” She looked away, her throat aching. “Because it is wrong to be attracted to another person when you’re married.”
“No, Shelby. It’s wrong to act on it. And you didn’t. You never did. You can’t help that you and Kit have physical chemistry. You could help what you did in response to it, and you did the right thing. You always did the right thing. You were good to Chuck. You were appropriate in your response to Kit. And you don’t have anything to feel guilty for. You can’t help your feelings. It’s what you do with them.”
“The sex was so good,” Shelby said, breathing out hard. “I knew it would be. I knew it. I can’t... I can’t love him. I don’t want...”
“Then don’t. Don’t. Like I said. It’s your life. But if I’m going to strongly push you in any direction, it’s to be honest with him. He is my brother-in-law. I cannot lie to Chance about this. I know who the father of the baby is, and I can’t pretend that I don’t. So... That just has to happen.”
“I’ll tell him,” Shelby said. “It’s another thing I don’t really want to do. Or deal with. And that makes me a little bit tired.”
“That’s understandable. But you know, I did a pretty messed-up thing with Chance, and you called me out. I didn’t let you in on my plans before I did it. If I had, I probably would’ve made a different decision because I would’ve seen the look on your face, and know that I couldn’t lie to him like that. So let me be your conscience now. You’ve got to tell him as soon as possible.”
“I need... I need a favor first.”
“What is that?”
“Will you help me pack everything up here? I need to change the house. I need... I need new stuff. I need to get rid of the old stuff. Because it’s been way too long, and it’s starting to feel wrong. Really wrong. It’s starting to feel creepy. I can’t tell Kit that I’m pregnant with his baby with Chuck’s clothes in my closet, okay?”
“Yeah. I can help you with that. I’ll let Chance know I won’t be home for a couple of hours.”
“Don’t tell him yet.”
“I won’t. I’ll let you talk to Kit first. Just because I think that’s the way it needs to go.”
“Thank you,” she said. “I really appreciate it.”
And then, she and Juniper set about to make the clean slate that Shelby should’ve made for herself a long time ago. And it felt like more, like better than she could’ve imagined. Even though the sense of dread looming before her seemed nearly unmanageable. But all she could do was put one foot in front of the other, just slowly. One thing at a time. One piece of clothing at a time. One wedding photo at a time.
And she left one. Hanging on the wall, right in the center. Because there were fresh starts, and then there was ignoring the past in a way she simply couldn’t. She would always be shaped by her marriage. By loving Chuck. She wasn’t going to pretend otherwise. No matter what. And even though she felt steadfastly cowardly at the moment, that felt just a little bit brave. So she would take that. Cling to it. She didn’t really have another choice.
