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“What exactly are you doing, Kit?”
“I told you. I told you that I was going to try to bring you around to my way of thinking. I wasn’t kidding. I also told you I was going to be involved.”
“Well, I don’t really think that I’m open to your way of thinking.”
“I don’t care. And I said this isn’t going to be a one-way street. Sorry.”
“I don’t actually think you’re sorry.”
“Look,” he said. “There’s no point in us fighting.” The bacon began to sizzle in the pan, and her stomach growled.
“I don’t know about that. Maybe there is a point to us fighting. We don’t agree. So... It seems to me like there might be a reason for us to fight.”
“There’s not. We’ve got some time to sort this out. But I could be here. In the morning. I could take care of things. I can take care of you.”
She looked at him, and there were sharp edges to the feeling that swelled within her. How was she supposed to agree to that? To the level of domesticity that he was proposing. How was she supposed to just... Believe that it would work?
It was like agreeing to let a tiger live in your house. Reasonable. Or indeed possible. That was the thing. She looked at Kit and she just didn’t see how any of this was possible. Or how it could ever be.
“I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time.”
“I get that,” he said, taking a mixing bowl out of her cupboard—how was he finding things so unerringly? She could swear that he was better at maneuvering around her kitchen than she was. “But there’s more to it now. There’s a baby on the way. And you don’t have to do this by yourself. You don’t have to do this alone. So why should you?”
“Because, Kit. Because things change. And people die. And I don’t even know how all this is going to work out. And jumping into it like this... I’m sorry. But it terrifies me.” Admitting that made her feel small. Weak and pale, and she didn’t want to feel like any of those things. She wanted to be a brave warrior woman. Somebody who had stared one of the worst things ever in the face and come out stronger.
Right now, she just didn’t know how she was going to cope with all of this. “We just... We just don’t even know how all of this is going to pan out, and it scares me, frankly. It scares me. Okay? I just can’t...”
“Yeah. It scares me too,” he said, stopping and turning to face her. “I get it. I know how fragile things can feel.”
Except she wanted to tell him it was different. It was all fine when they were talking about grief in vague terms together. He had lost his sister. She had lost her partner. The person whom she was building her whole life off of. It wasn’t fair. But that was the thing about grief. It wasn’t especially fair all the time. And sometimes she wanted to lash out at people when they told her they had also lost somebody. She wanted to say it wasn’t the same. That they hadn’t grown up with their husband. That they hadn’t loved the way that she did.
Yeah. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair at all. But sometimes she just... She just didn’t want to be fair.
“Well. You’re not carrying a baby. So I don’t really know that you do know how fragile things can feel. Right now... It all feels precarious. It could go away. It could go away, it could just not actually be happening. And that... I can’t make plans with you right now.”
He turned away from her, and went back to the business of making pancakes. The bacon was still sizzling. The domesticity of it made her head hurt. Made her chest hurt.
Because this wasn’t real. This was him trying to get his way. And it wasn’t... It wasn’t right either way.
“You’re right. I’m not carrying the baby. I’m trying to help you carry a couple of things. I get it. I’m not even your plan B. I get that. But you know, I’m also not a total deadbeat. And I’m trying to prove that to you.”
“I didn’t say you were a deadbeat.”
“I know you didn’t. But I’m also not the person that you figured on doing this with. And I get the feeling that you’re more comfortable with the idea of doing it by yourself because it affords you a certain level of denial.”
“I did not ask for you to psychoanalyze me.”
“No. It’s freely offered. Lucky you.”
“And what about you? Because I don’t for one second think that you’re doing anything in a way that isn’t also just about protecting yourself. Because that’s what we do. All of us people. All the time. We want to protect ourselves.”
He paused again. And this time, when he turned to face her, his expression was improbably grim. “Yeah. You’re not wrong about that. Here’s the thing. I want to keep you safe. I want to keep the baby safe.”
“You can’t just do that.”
“This makes me feel like I’m close to it. And I need that. Okay?”
“Do you actually...? Would it be easier for you if it all went away?”
