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“I am all right,” she replied. Part of it was not a lie. Shewasall right now that she had come to terms with what had happened. “Slightly overwhelmed by the balls and events we have been attending this season.”
“It is all for Sarah,” Oliver reminded her gently.
“Of course,” she smiled at him as he swirled her around, following the rhythm of the music.
“Father has really taught you well,” he noticed as the two rarely danced together, but this time was different. She was certain of it.
“He wanted me to be as self-sufficient as possible,” she reminded him. “Although I doubt the ability to dance has much to do with self-sufficiency .”
“There are many seeing ladies who do not dance nearly as well as you.”
“Youhaveto say that,” she grinned at him. “You are my brother, after all.”
The mention of his position in her life seemed to make him speechless. He tightened as he held her. The sudden change in his demeanor did not escape her attention.
“There is only one thing I have to do,” he finally replied. She could feel his hands getting clammy as they held hers. His body was stiff and cold somehow. The notion made her fretful as if she were anticipating something, something bad. “And that is to love and protect both of my sisters. I need you to know that is all I have ever been doing. Just protecting you from every harm.”
“I know,” she smiled, still a little apprehensively as she was not expecting these words.
He leaned closer and gave her a peck on the forehead. She was washed over by warmth, the knowledge that despite not being loved by the man who held her heart in the palm of his hand, she was still surrounded by people who loved her and wanted to see her happy.
Unrequited love was pure anguish. She knew that now. She was in love with a man who had finally realized what she knew all along: she would never be a good duchess. A blind woman would never be able to fulfil all those duties in an appropriate manner. There would be too much talk, too much gossip.
So, finally, Bridget decided to let go of him. She closed her eyes, allowing the rhythm of the music to caress her gently as her brother’s hands guided her through the steps. She was grateful that she had the opportunity to experience this fantastical emotion everyone knew as love, but this emotion was not for her. It only disturbed the life she had taught herself to lead for the remainder of her days.
It is for the better.
This time, even the little voice had come to agree with her. Her heart had lost the battle. She would put it to sleep now and forget all about this love nonsense.
Chapter 21
Once their dance ended, Bridget allowed her brother to guide her away from the other dancers. Against her better judgment, she envied Sarah for having this dance with Joseph although she could understand that her sister had always been the preferred choice for a dance partner. Sarah was actually the preferred choice for any sort of a partner as opposed to Bridget who was simply inadequate. Only people close to her like her own family and a few others were kind enough never to say it aloud in front of her. It was a truth she had forgotten for a brief period. A momentary lapse of judgment, that was all it was. Now, she was back to her rational, down to earth self– the self that would not allow to be led away from reality by false promises and stolen kisses.
“Do you mind accompanying me to the balcony?” she asked, suddenly in need of some time apart from the rest of the people whose voices she could not drown out. The voices kept clawing at her through the passage of her ears, and her discomfort only seemed to make them louder, echoing inside her mind.
“Of course,” she heard Oliver reply, and gently, he redirected their path, taking her to the balcony instead of back to their seats. His hand felt warm, the only solace she felt this moment.
As soon as she was outside, Bridget felt more at ease. She could not hear the clatter of the voices any longer. Her mind was allowed to wander back into the past to any moment she desired to revisit. Yet, her heart could choose only one.
Her chest expanded as she took a great, relieving inhale, resting her hands on the cold, marble handrail. She welcomed the crisp chilliness against the fire of her palms. In fact, it was a fire that had caught her entire body, and she had been swirling in flames the entire night, invisible to the eyes of the bystanders.
“Would you mind giving me a moment of privacy?” she asked, carefully selecting her words. Oliver’s presence managed to calm her down, but what she truly needed was to be away from everyone, even if it was only for a few minutes. She could perhaps empty her mind and remind herself that this entire mess was a mistake, but it was not a tragic one. She would survive a heartbreak. All she needed was some time.
“Are you certain?” Oliver hesitated. No member of her family liked to leave her unattended, especially in a new place, but at the same time, they wanted her to be independent and make her own choices. If she wished for a few moments of privacy, then they would grant her that.
Once again, she reminded herself how fortunate she was to have such a loving family by her side. They always made sure that she was well taken care of, and that she was content and happy. Only this time, her happiness did not rest with them. The key to her happiness lay in someone else’s hands.
She remembered what she had learned about Joseph’s father, who was completely unlike her own. Her father was a kind, loving man and the complete opposite of the Duke who had preceded Joseph, a ruthless man who valued his child solely for the fact that he was male and would prolong his bloodline. Yet, Joseph himself had somehow turned into a kind man unlike his father. It was strange how one’s decisions shaped the course of one’s life.
Bridget wondered if her own life could have been somehow different; perhaps if she had made different decisions, she would not have ended up blind. She always wondered if the accident could have been prevented somehow. But it was dangerous to think in such a manner. It brought forth bitterness, ingratitude, and she was grateful to be alive, even without her eyesight.
“Yes. Please?” she urged softly, being brought back to the present moment by her brother’s gentle touch.
She was grateful indeed, but she was also a burden. There was no denying that. Her family was loving enough never to make her feel that way, but the truth was that she would not find a husband who would accept her as she was, especially not a Duke. Not being loved by Joseph was anguish. It hurt her more than she could have imagined. But being a burden to her own family hurt much more.
“All right, then,” he agreed although reluctantly.
Being the eldest of the three children, he had always been the one they could come to for advice or for a shoulder to cry on. But this time, he could not fulfil that role. No one could. This time, Bridget had to be her own savior. No one knew the depth of her love for Joseph, and no one ever would. She doubted that even Joseph himself knew what their kiss meant to her, and that would be a secret she planned on taking to her grave.
