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Her palm rubs over the mixture on her belly, her doe-eyes wide and trusting. “Thank you,” she whispers.
“Thankyou.” I kiss her lips and taste the copper flavor coating her tongue. “Do you want to take a bath alone or do you want me with you?”
She paints over my abs with her wet hand, marking me in the same way I just did her. “You.”
I shut the water off in the tub and pick her up again, putting her on her feet beside the tub. I climb in and settle into it, then I reach over and take her hand. “Get in.”
Her wobbly legs struggle, but she makes her way to sit in front of me between my legs. I pull her back against my front and she relaxes with a sigh. “Was it like that with her?” Nell whispers so quietly I don’t think she wanted me to hear it.
I kiss over her shoulder. “No. She didn’t like that stuff.”
“Really?”
“Really. Layla was… vanilla in her interests in the bedroom.” I take a bar of soap and rub it over her arms in the silence that follows. We just shared something intense and wonderful. The silence is comfortable.
“Didn’t that bother you?” Nell finally whispers, looking over her shoulder at me.
“In the big picture of all the things that worked for us, that was such a small sacrifice I never thought much about it. Don’t compare yourself to her. I know your parents treated you like a little carbon copy of her, but you were different people. There are things you’re better at and there are things she was better at. That’s true of everyone on the planet. If everyone was good at one thing, who would do everything else?”
She shudders in my grasp and I wrap her up in a hug. “Layla was so much better at everything.” Nell and Layla were always in an unspoken competition, and Layla wasn’t afraid to let Nell feel like she was losing.
I shake my head and kiss her cheek. “You’re better at asking for help. Layla never asked anybody for help even if she truly needed it. You’re better at knowing when something’s worth fighting for. She just fought everything. You’re better at catching things in your mouth.”
She chuckles even though tears are still dripping down her cheeks.
“If we put the two of you into a contest for who could run faster, you would win, hands down, but we shouldn’t. Your sister isn’t alive anymore to cast a shadow for you to live in. Cast your own.”
Chapter Eighteen
Nell
Knox, Knox, Knox. He… whew. I feel safe with him. Maybe too safe with how he's spent most of the last year. He makes me feel comfortable and secure. The words he just said to me prove that hedoespay attention, if I needed any more proof. He knows how much Layla’s betterness at everything compared to me has always gutted me.
I only last a few more seconds before the walls come tumbling down around me and all the hurt of not being as good as my sister washes away in a sea of tears. Knox never stops holding me against him as he washes me, paying no mind to the sobs coming out of me.
"That's it, baby girl. Let it out."
And when he says stuff like that it makes my heart hopeful and the preemptive pain of losing him hurts so much. Right now though, while he's holding me so close, slowly washing away the mess he left on my skin, I can't find the strength to care how he wrecks me. I know that he's not feeling the same things I feel, and that's okay. He's healing a giant wound in his heart now. I'm probably just a temporary way to release his stress.
"Good girl," he coos while washing and massaging my back.
Why does he have to be so sweet and perfect even when he’s hurt? I have to find a way to show him I’m worthy, that I can be good for him, like Layla was.
When the tears begin to slow, I finally find the strength to say, "Knox, I’m sorry for what I said, and I’m sorry for forcing you to go to your house.”
“Shhh, baby. I forgive you, and I’m sorry for all that I did. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for being mean. I fucked up. I’ve missed you.” His lips collect water from the skin of my back.
“I missed you too. Youdidscare me, but not because I thought you would hurt me. It was because I was afraid you were someone different and that you’d never come back to normal.”I’m afraid I’m not good enough for you towantto be yourself again for me.
He rocks me side to side in his arms, still drawing his lips over my skin. “I’ve never been normal, Nellie. You know that.”
“I meantyournormal. I know that things will never be quite the same again, but I want you to be as happy as you can be. I thought I was going to help you, but I didn’t.”
“You’re helping me in ways you don’t even know yet,” he whispers, bringing his mouth to my ear. “You got me sober, and I didn’t think I would ever be this way again. I am as happy as I can be right now.”
“Psh, yeah because you just got laid.” I say it jokingly, but I really need reassurance. I need him to tell me I’m wrong, that I’m his safe place, that he just planted a bloody handprint on my belly to say that, and that I’m not just for tonight.
He shakes his head, scratching his beard over my naked shoulder. “No, becauseyouscared me too. I thought you were never going to come back to me, that I’d scared you off forever.”
