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She shakes her head. "It feels like I keep waiting for him to come home and slam the door."
I can relate to a point. I spent weeks laying in bed waiting for Layla to come lay next to me so I could sleep. I hold up a joint between two fingers. "Wanna smoke?"
"Yes, please," she groans.
"Come sit outside with me."
Nell grabs a sweater and shrugs it on, then we lock our doors and head out to the back porch. "This is beautiful. The sky is so clear here without all the light pollution," she says, tilting her head back to look up at the bright specks in the dark sky.
I sit down in one of the two chairs we keep out here. "I know. I like to try to count all the stars before the sun comes up."
Nell takes the other side while I light the joint. "The clubhouse is so quiet at night, and with all the lights off it’s kind of creepy. I didn’t think this place would ever sleep.”
“It doesn’t. We’re still awake.”
She steals the joint from my fingers. “You know what I mean, asshole.”
I don’t answer. I don’t know how. I just lean back and stare up at the sky, counting the stars and wondering how many of them Layla looked at. Do any of them remember her? Do they miss watching her? Layla was full of brightly shining stars. She’d rival this entire sky right now with her light.
“Knox.” Nell’s fingers brush my lips as she holds the joint up to them. “You’re too tense. Hit this.”
I inhale deeply against her fingertips, drawing the smoke down into my lungs and holding it there. Maybe if I hold my breath long enough, I’ll join Layla, wherever she is. But the smoke billows out to the sky and the tension eases.
“Why aren’t you living in your house, Knox?” Nell says quietly. “You love that house.”
I shake my head and turn to look down at her. “No. Layla loved the house. The whole thing was for Layla. I don’t want it. I can’t even stand being near it. I hope the sand has buried it.”
Nell looks down at her hands. “You grew a beard, too.”
I snort a laugh and rub my hand down the coarse hair that’s sprouted from my face. “Yeah. What do you think?”
“You look like a wild animal.”
“Ouch. Don’t hold back, Nellie,” I say jokingly. Nell is the sweetest creature on the planet. She could never be intentionally harmful. I think that’s why it makes me so mad to imagine someone putting their hands on her.
“I’ve known you for eleven years and I've never seen you like this.”
“I have the munchies.” I push myself out of the chair and go back inside. Nell has stolen the joy out of stargazing. I know I’m not what she remembers. I’m trying to be, but I’m just not the same anymore. I can only do so much to be what she’s looking for me to be.
Cheese puffs are what I need. If I can just figure out where the fuck Maya keeps them. I finally find them, grip the bag in both hands, and tear it open with a little too much force. They fly everywhere, and Nell’s guffaw in the doorway brings a smile to my face. I grab one of the cheese puffs from the counter and launch it at her.
She opens her mouth and catches it midair, and then raises her arms to cheer for herself. “I’ve still got it!”
Chapter Five
Nell
“Try to catch it in your mouth,” Knox tells Layla. “Ready?”
Mouth hanging wide open, Layla nods. “Uh-huh,” she mumbles.
He tosses a grape at her, but it rolls over her eyelid. “Damn.” He tries again, and the grape bounces off her teeth. “Damn it. Nell, open your mouth.”
I gulp and look around for anyone else on the beach.
“Come on, Nell. Don’t be chicken.”
“Bwak, Bwak,” Layla teases, tucking her hands in her armpits and waving her elbows like wings.
