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31
My stomach wasa tangled mess of knots all day. The article with Ryan kissing his co-star had already been splashed across social media and talk shows. Judy gave me light duty, restocking our lower-level closets, where I’d be alone most of the day. It was a kindness I hadn’t earned from her, but I’d be eternally grateful to her for it.
I just wanted to soak in the bath with a glass of wine and a book. No electronics, nothing that could tell me what the world currently thought of my dating life. What made things worse was I hadn’t heard anything from Ryan all day, not even after the kids left…which was another reason my stomach felt like it had gone a round with a professional boxer. We’d made plans for this evening to talk and process, to make a plan for what would happen moving forward.
It hurt that he’d left me without so much as a warning or heads-up regarding the article, and as much as I’d thought I could go along with it once he was in Brazil, actually seeing the photos now made me realize I couldn’t. Ryan was mine, and I didn’t want to share him with a fake girlfriend, or anyone else for that matter.
Pushing through my front door, I was greeted by a mostly dark house. It wasn’t dusk yet, but the darkening sky had plunged us into muted gray skies.
Ryan was supposed to have made dinner for us…but clearly that hadn’t happened. I felt a small flutter in my chest when nervousness began to unfurl inside my limbs as I walked in and began to click on lamps.
“You came home later than I thought you would.” Ryan spoke up from a darkened corner. He had an empty tumbler in his hand, resting on his knee as he slouched in the chair. To his right was the bottle of Jameson I kept above the fridge. It was almost empty, which meant he had to have consumed at least half the bottle.
“Work ran late—things were a little crazy at the resort.” I set my things down and took off my shoes. My hands were trembling as I considered why Ryan was drinking in the dark, especially after avoiding me all day. I considered briefly that he was just as shaken up by the early release of the photo as I was. Maybe I needed to hear him out and see how he was doing with everything. “How did things go with Logan today?”
I moved around the room, curling up on the sofa across from where Ryan was sitting. His shirt was rumpled, his eyes were bloodshot, and his knuckles were red and swollen.
“What happened?” I gasped, reaching my hand out to trace his skin.
He jerked away at my touch, which had me backpedaling fairly fast.
“Why doesn’t it surprise me that the first thing you ask me about is your ex?”
Furrowing my brows, I sat back. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t pretend, Bex. Logan told me all about the kiss, how he ended up in between your legs…that day I brought coffee, that day we opened up to each other about our past…I was such an idiot.” The muscle in his jaw ticked as his emotions swirled with his brash anger. This was the Ryan who’d fucked me that night, the one who had felt like he was losing me and needed to claim me. But now he didn’t want anything to do with me.
“I’m not pretending. I didn’t tell you about that kiss because it wasn’t reciprocated. Logan kissed me—I didn’t kiss him back.” I stood, feeling my own anger begin to surface.
Ryan’s scoff had me glowering at him. He didn’t believe me. This was just like the night I had told him I was pregnant back in college, when he blamed me and wouldn’t even use logic, just believing I had tricked him.
“What about you? Did you even see that the photo of you and Shelly was leaked early? Do you even care what that means for me or for the kids? You’re so worried about some one-sided kiss but more than willing to ignore the one you actually did for the sake of acting.”
“It’s my job!” he roared.
He stood and walked toward the kitchen, running his hands through his hair.
“So what else does your job allow you to do?” I stepped closer, narrowing my watering eyes. “Would it cover you if you had to fuck someone for a few ratings? How far are you willing to go?”
Another scoff met me as his aqua eyes roamed my form in disgust.
“I’d be willing to do whatever it takes to keep my career, the thing I’ve worked the past ten years for. After you left me, I found it, and it’s been there for me. Right, wrong, or indifferent, I’m not going to throw it all away for this.” He waved his hand between us while he scrutinized me with a furious glare.
“You don’t mean that.” My voice came out in a shaky rasp, clinging to the shards of hope I had in the form of his drunken stupor.
“Oh, but baby I do.” An apathetic look transformed his face, tugging the edges of his lips down and masking his rage. He looked bored as he grabbed his black duffle off the floor and walked closer to the door.
My chest burned as the distance between us grew. We couldn’t end like this…not because of Logan…not like this.
“Ryan…just…can we talk through this? Don’t leave.” I tried to clear the bubble of pain in my throat so I didn’t wheeze or sob as he turned his back on me. It didn’t stop the tears from coating my lashes or splashing down my heated cheeks.
Please stay.
“I’m not risking anything else. I almost lost this role because of you. I was confused, but now I’m seeing crystal fucking clear. You’re not over your ex, and I’m unwilling to risk you leaving me again, so my job comes first. It will always come first because I don’t trust you, Bexley. I couldnevertrust you.”
The door slammed as he ran down the steps and continued down the street. It had started raining, so his shirt was soaked within minutes. I flipped the deadbolt to ensure he couldn’t come back, even as invisible knives cleaved my heart in two…even as I sobbed and crumpled to the floor.
The trouble with choosing someone first was, so often, they didn’t choose you back, and it felt like flames against your skin when you realized your heart belonged to them regardless. Ryan would always be my first choice, and now I knew without a shadow of doubt that I would never be his.
