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“Although no one ever said it out loud, I’ll go ahead and assume I was an unplanned pregnancy. Before me, she was my dad’s whole focus, and then she had a baby girl. Awesome, right?” She takes a deep breath. “I’m not saying she was abusive, that’s a pretty heavy word and I don’t like to throw it around, but she was mean. She was quick to punish, and harsh. She was fast to lose her temper, and she hurt me a lot. Nothing too bad, nothing permanent, nothing to call the authorities over, but it hurt all the same, and her lack of affection for me was obvious.”
“Where was your dad?”
“He was around, but he worked long hours. We weren’t rich, so he had to work every minute he could. He knew we didn’t…get along,but he didn’t know she beat me.”
“You didn’t tell him?”
She shrugs. “I didn’t know it was wrong. It’s all I knew, so how was I to know it wasn’t normal? Until I was older, anyway. Then Jack was born, and that’s when I could tell the difference; she wanted him.” She looks up at me. “She wanted her baby boy. She left me alone for the most part once he arrived. She was still quick to punish. If Jack cried, she’d assume it was because I shoved him or something.” She snickers. “Sometimes it was true.”
“How’d she die?”
“She was pregnant a third time, another boy, and they both died from complications during labor. Her blood pressure went crazy and she had a seizure on the table. I don’t know all the details. I never really cared enough to ask.” Her wary eyes come back up to mine. “I know how awful that makes me, and I feel shitty because I don’t care about her. I’m not sad she’s gone. It probably makes me a monster.” She shrugs. “But honestly, I was glad.”
“Being dead doesn’t make a bad person good again. Dying doesn’t erase the damage she did. You’re entitled to your feelings, babe. That doesn’t make you a monster. That makes you honest.”
She lets out a cleansing breath. “Right. And it pisses me off that dying gave her sainthood in some people’s eyes. It pisses me off that my dad is dead, too. So some people might put them on the same level. They’re not on the same level. He was good. He was amazing. She wasn’t.”
“I get what you’re saying. I understand.”
She nods. “Yeah. So after she was gone, suddenly my life wasn’t as miserable anymore. I rarely think of her. Sometimes, but not often. Jack doesn’t remember her at all. The three of us just… my daddy buried his baby and wife, then we went on with our lives. So yeah, that’s my story. Here, have some pasta.” She abruptly pushes her plate toward me with a forced grin.
I nod. I’ll let her have her distraction, and I won’t make it weird.
At least she told me.
Our plates are almost empty, our posture slackening from full bellies. I throw my arm over her shoulder and pull her in close. “Do you want some dessert?”
She purrs as I kiss her ear. “Not yet. I just wanna sit for a bit. Despite your hard chest, it’s not like cuddling a boulder. You give the best hugs I’ve ever had.”
And so I make a vow to always hug her. “Tell me about your dad? If you want to, I don’t want to upset you.”
“No, it’s okay, I mean, I’m devastated he’s gone, but the memories I have of him, they’re all so happy. He was my best friend.” She looks up with a smile. “I was such a daddy’s girl. Everywhere he went, I went. Literally, every weekend that he worked, I went with him. I was in his workshop every Saturday and most Sundays of my life. They had a coffee room with a TV and toys in a basket. I’d sit on a shitty red and blue futon and play or draw or write stories while he worked. Eventually, I became the staff coffee maker. I wasn’t forced to, I wanted to. It made me happy to help people, so I did rounds and made coffee for everyone.
“He had this old muscle car. Bright red with huge black wheels. It was a beauty, and when he’d spend his free time fixing it up, I’d be in the garage with him. I’m not exaggerating – wherever he went, I went. He wanted me to be girly, he put me in silly fru fru dresses all the time, so there I was, puffy dress and dirty hands.” She laughs softly at her memories.
“I was such a good girl, I never gave him trouble when I was a kid. Then when I was fifteen, I met a boy.” She looks up with a sassy grin. “And we all know what typically happens next. I turned into an asshole. I feel pretty horrible about it now, but at the time, I thought I knew everything. I turned sixteen and lost my virginity to this guy, worst experience ever, by the way, and my dad went bonkers.” She giggles softly. “Seriously, he was a pussycat, but you take his daughter’s virginity and suddenly he turns into The Hulk. I was only with the guy for a year, but that year broke my daddy’s heart. By the time I turned seventeen, I’d realized the guy was a piece of shit, I left him, and voila, daddy’s little girl once again.
“My teenage rebellion lasted one single year. I never heard from the guy again, and Dad and I went back to normal; not that we ever grew apart. My dad, he was the most unselfish person I’ve ever met. He hated Shane.”
“Shane’s an asshole name.”
She snickers and presses into my side. “Truth. My Daddy agreed with you, but once he knew my mind was made up, he swallowed his pride, resumed his role as my best friend, and silently waited to catch me, which…” she nods, “he did. And he never once said‘I told you so.’I’ll always be thankful he was my safety net. We used to talk on the phone every single day – even with me still living in his house. I’d call him all the time at work just to shoot the shit. I moved out when I bought the house I’m in now, so that increased the phone calls by a lot. He was so proud of me, Bobby. So unbelievably proud.” She looks up with sad eyes. “Daddy was a hard worker, the hardest, but he never really got ahead in life. He never owned his own house, never got off the hamster wheel. So when I bought my house, at nineteen no less, he was so fucking proud. I mean, I bought it with only five-percent deposit and a giant mortgage, but it was mine. I did what he never could. As soon as I had the keys, I asked him and Jack to move in with me, to stop renting, but he was happy where he was. Our daily phone calls increased, and he was knocking on my door at six most mornings for coffee and a chat. At some stage, he stopped being my dad, and became my friend, my confidant.”
She takes a deep breath. “Anyway… last November, he called me on my work phone, which was odd. Normally he’d call my cell, but when I answered, he was crying. He said he had cancer. He called it leukemia at the time, but we later found out it was lymphoma. Same-same, but different.” She shrugs her shoulders. “He started treatment pretty quick. I was by his side for most of the appointments, my boss was very understanding, but he got so sick, so fast. Lymphoma is supposed to be a fairly treatable cancer, but not this time. He died in April this year, five months after he was diagnosed.” She clears her throat of emotion. “He was only forty-seven years old. He celebrated his forty-seventh birthday while in the hospital.”
Fuck if she doesn’t almost have me weeping for the little girl who lost her best friend. I squeeze her tight, though I’m unsure if I’m giving comfort, or taking it for myself. She burrows her head against my chest. “I loved him so damn much. I miss him more than I can put into words, and I’d give almost anything to bring him back. But even though I love him and miss him and want him back, I’m also really angry with him.” She looks into my eyes. “He was a single dad with a single kid at home for a long time, and I think to compensate for his own hard life, he let Jack run wild. He created a spoiled brat with an attitude. He never intended for Jack to get so wild, but by the time he figured it out, he was already sick. Jack was fifteen and getting arrested. He was drinking and partying and wreaking chaos everywhere he went, then my dad died and I was left holding the pieces. Add on to it all that his estate is a complete clusterfuck of expensive red tape that I’m paying to untangle, and well, that’s why my life is sometimes too complicated for extras.”
I stroke her hair and will my heart to stop freaking out.It’s okay. It’ll be okay.“Hey, Kit?” I wait for her gaze to slowly meet mine. “If it means anything to you, I think you’re doing an amazing job. You were handed a really shitty deal, but Jack’s turning out just fine. He’s a good kid, and it’s because of you.”
Of all the things to make her cry tonight, that’s what did it. Not her mom, not her dad, not even Shane being a dick, but a simple ‘good job’ has her burying her face against my chest and her hands clutching at my shirt.
I let her hide for a minute while I collect my own shit. I wasn’t sure before. I was talking myself out of it. But now It’s impossible to deny.
I place my thumb under her chin and bring her gaze back to mine. “You’re amazing, and strong, and so brave. You’re a hard worker, and so humble. You’re beautiful. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and… well, I’m in love with you, Kit.” I expect to panic at my revelation. I know my words surprised us both, but the freak-out just doesn’t come. Instead, I feel content. I’ve never spoken truer words in my life.
“Bobby…” She shakes her head as big fat tears drip from her lashes. “I never expected you. I never expected to like you, or for you to like me back. God knows, I didn’t want to like you and your stupidly endearing family. But…” She looks down at her lap for a few seconds, then looks back up with a fiery resolve in her eyes. “But, I love you, too. I’ve been scared, so scared of you, but only because I know you could hurt me. Loving you should make me happy, but all it really does, is scare the shit out of me. Please don’t break me. I’m fragile.”
I place my hand on the back of her head and drag her forward until our lips meet. This is what it feels like to kiss someone you love. To be with someone you love. I pull back long before I’m ready, and thumb away a tear from her cheek. “Do you want to leave?”
