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25
Bobby
Forgiveness
We walk through the front door of home around three in the afternoon after waiting for Jack to finish his session, and as soon as the front door closes and we’re encased in the cool air of the house, dread sits heavy and warm in my gut.
Yeah, I’m nervous about the fight announcement, but that’s just work. Just another day.
My dread is for Kit.
For the fact I forced her to sneak around just so she could train. I was the one who got her into fighting in the first place, and now I expect her to stop simply becauseI’mafraid. If I were honest with myself, I’d have known this was coming.
She’s amazing, and strong, and resilient.
And independent.
And those are the exact reasons I love her. The very reasons I was drawn to her in the first place. I took that independence from her when I tried to shield her from the world, and if she allowed me to do that, then she wouldn’t be the woman I fell in love with in the first place.
Being scared sucks.
But what’s scarier than her hurting herself, is the prospect of her needing to sneak around and not be truthful with me. I want her to talk to me about anything without fear of reproach.
I took that from us.
“Babe.” I take her hand and direct her toward the stairs. “Can we talk?”
She looks up at me the way a kid might look at her parents when she knows she’s about to be grounded.
I hate it.
She’s my equal in every way, and I hate that I made her feel like she has to explain herself to me. Nodding her head and squeezing my hand, she silently follows me upstairs and into our room that smells deliciously of her.
I sit on the edge of our bed and pat my leg, but she ignores my invitation and paces instead. “Listen, Bobby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to–”
“No.” Guilt turns my stomach. “Please don’t apologize to me–”
She stops and looks at me. “But I lied… Well, I didn’t tell the truth.”
“You were forced, by me, to omit something that shouldn’t have even been a big deal. I was the one who introduced you to fighting,forcedyou into it, even, and then I was the one who took it from you because of my own fears.”
“But I’m sorry I was being sneaky.”
“And I’m sorry I made you feel the need to be sneaky.” Every time she apologizes, my guilt turns heavier. “My intentions were good, baby, I only want to take care of you. But taking care of you turned into smothering you, so it’s my fault that I put a wedge between us. I said your shoulder wasn’t ready, but really, it’s me. I’m not ready. I just… I remember the way I freaked when you last fought, then when you went missing, and I’m struggling to reconcile the girl in the hospital and the fighter who’d purposely step in front of someone to get hit.” I pull her down onto my lap.
I’m going to smother her a little bit more, because I need the contact. My life is only ever truly calm when I’m touching her. “Baby, I’m sorry. I need to remind myself that the reason you got out in December was because ofyourstrength. Not mine. It had nothing to do with me, so I need to trust you to make decisions on your own. If you say you’re ready, then I believe you. And I’ll even start PT sessions with you again, just like old times. Twelve bucks a pop.”
She snorts and rests her forehead against mine. “Thank you, Bobby. I’d like that, the PT’s, that is. But I want to apologize because no matter what, I was still sneaky, and that’s not who we are. I went into the gym today knowing you wouldn’t approve, and I still did it.”
“It’s okay, I understand why you did it. Hell, I was pumped to be back today. I should’ve known how you were feeling. So, we’ll fix this. I promise to stop being such a bossy jackass, and you promise to tell me if I’m being too bossy.”
“Alright.” She kisses my chin.
“Did you feel good? During, after? No pain?”
“No pain. It was really good to be back again. We didn’t go too hard, but the endorphin rush was a nice reminder of my pre-December life.”
“I bet it was.” I press a kiss to her forehead. “How often do you think you can handle going back?”
