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They all did.
I can’t let them win.
“You should sit down.” Sonya steered me toward the driver’s seat, but I held firm.
“I’m good.” I took a few deep breaths. “Just a little panic attack.” I couldn’t tell her it was a memory. Not here. Not now. Not ever.
She looked unconvinced but released her grip on me. “If you’re sure.”
I forced a convincing smile on my face. “I’m sure. He said he was in a hurry, right?”
I refused to look out the window as I passed by. I didn’t want to see a face. The voice haunting me was bad enough. And when I’d boxed up the food, I handed it to Sonya to deliver.Would there be more? Would there be more voices that haunted me . . . forever?
Once the man had left, Drew pinned me with a concerned look. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” I said briskly.
He nodded once but didn’t push. For that I was grateful. I just had to make it through the day. And the night. Oh God, I’d never make it through the night.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Trish
Once we’d parkedthe truck, I rushed into Paths to see my Ella.
I needed to hold my daughter. Make sure she was safe. Real. Everything around me felt like an illusion, as if I were underwater observing my life.
The past I thought I was overcoming one day at a time had me firmly in its grips again. I was back in the basement. At the time when I was constantly scared, before I zoned out and didn’t feel anything at all. Nothing was easier to deal with than feelings. But I couldn’t get back to that. So fear it was.
Except I couldn’t live in constant terror. Control had been stolen from me for so long, and I’d be damned if I gave it back without a fight. I needed to break free. I needed life to happen on my terms. And there was only one way I knew to do that.
I wasn’t sure if I could go through with it, but I had to try.
“Mommy loves you more than anything,” I whispered to Ella as I knocked on Baker’s door.
She frowned when she opened it. “What’s going on?”
“We’re headed to Andrew’s. I just wanted somebody to know.” There was a desperate quality to my tone.
“It’s after eight.” Her hair was piled high on her head, and she was dressed for bed.
“I have to do something for myself.”
“Trish? You wanna talk this through?”
“No. I don’t want to talk. I want to do something,” I said determinedly.
“Want me to keep Ella?”
“No. I need her close.”
“Let me ride with you since it’s getting late.” She tugged on her shoes and grabbed a hoodie.
“You don’t have to do this, but I appreciate it.” How I’d managed to find a friend like her I’d never know, but I was beyond grateful.
It felt like only seconds before we pulled up to Andrew’s house. I wasn’t completely sure what I was doing, only that Ineededto move forward desperately.
“Call me if you need me.” Baker looked uncertain, but if I paused and thought things through, I might never get past my fear.
