AllFreeNovel
Share Us
If I told him the truth, he’d want nothing to do with me. And that thought scared me.
I was getting used to having him in my life. After speaking with Hayden, and then daydreaming about a future with my makeup line, I’d felt so excited about the building. It showed he was a good man. Willing to include me in his plans.
But the one question I didn’t want to answer had come far sooner than I’d hoped. My overwhelming desire to avoid answering had little to do with the shame for what had landed me in the shelter and everything to do with how Holt would react.
Even though he thought he wanted the answer to that question about my presence at the shelter, he didn’t. No one did.
Thump.Thump. Thump.
I sat up straight in bed, drenched in sweat. Quiet surrounded me, though I could still hear the music in my nightmare. I’d been trying to turn it down when I woke up.
I took a few deep breaths to steady the erratic drum of my heart. In the darkness, I reached out. No Holt.
And then I remembered.
I’d waited on him while curled in a ball. He never came. I was too chicken to go to him, my bravery officially spent.
In only a few days, I’d grown used to sleeping with him. It was more than that. I’d gotten accustomed to his presence. How acutely I felt his absence frightened me. Without him, I was having the nightmares again.
A car horn blew on the street below, the city coming to life with the start of a new day. I didn’t have to get up so early, but knew I wouldn’t find sleep again.
I pushed the covers back and stumbled to the bathroom. As the water warmed, I undressed. Steam fogged the mirror and a heart formed on the glass.
He’d drawn it. The shape hadn’t been there yesterday, and it twisted me up. What did it even mean? Holt was a mechanic. He’d been a park ranger. A man’s man. In my wildest dreams, I’d never imagined him drawing hearts on the mirror.
I backed into the shower and shut out the gesture I didn’t know what to make of. Wasn’t I only a bit of fun for him? Someone convenient to occupy his time?
I’d convinced myself that was all he was capable of, yet he continued to prove that wasn’t the truth at all.
I won’t stop. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not—
I’d cut off the end of that sentence because I couldn’t bear to hear how Holt would have finished it. Didn’t want to listen to promises made in the heat of passion that weren’t meant to be.
But my heart ate up everything he said and did. That was a problem. My heart was what always got me into trouble. It blinded me to reason. I couldn’t afford to let that happen again.
I dropped my head back, letting the spray hit my face. Even showering without him felt wrong.
Needy.
That was all I’d ever been. A needy little girl. A needy teenager. And now, a needy woman. I hated myself for it.
I was frustrated with my own lies. I’d believed I was strong enough to stand on my own two feet.
But it wasn’t the truth.
With every passing day, I’d grown more dependent on Holt.
Was I going to stick it out here? Prove to myself that I could handle being out in the real world? Or was I better off going back to the shelter? Where I was protected, not only from the madness out here, but from myself and my poor judgment.
Mrs. Quinn would be disappointed if I came back. I’d be disappointed in me too. Sometimes it was better to admit not being ready than to dig a deeper hole.
Would Holt care if I moved out?
I slapped myself in the forehead. “Get a grip, Baker. Get. A. Grip.”
A decision didn’t have to be made right now. I’d think it over. Decide what was best formewithout rushing into another bad choice.
Except when I’d agreed to live with Holt, it was an automatic yes. My soul knew what it wanted without having to mull anything over. But I’d been wrong before. No doubt I would be again.
