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How could he keep something that important from me? Something that affected us both.
‘I asked Alison to keep it between the two of us, told her I didn’t want to worry you, but she’s been going mad at me. Said she didn’t think it was right.’
‘Well at least someone’s talking sense,’ I said, picking up my still-damp ballet pumps from the end of the bed and shoving them into my suitcase.
There was a knock on the door.
‘For fuck’s sake,’ said Si, sitting up. ‘Go away!’
We waited in silence for whoever was at the door to give up and go back downstairs.
‘What are you going to do?’ I asked him quietly.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘I’m waiting to hear about a court date.’
I sighed, collecting the remainder of my things: the toothbrush I’d put in the glass by the sink, Sylvie’s clothes, which were in a crumpled heap on the floor. The hair straighteners I hadn’t had time to use. I stuffed them all inside my suitcase, zipping it up. Then I stood it upright, the handle poised in my hand.
‘What are you doing?’ asked Si, standing up, his eyes bulging.
‘Leaving.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Si, laughing hollowly. ‘Where would you go?’
‘Back to London. I’ll stay at Ellie’s for a bit, until we can sort out the flat.’
‘What do you mean sort out the flat?’
‘I guess we’ll have to give notice or something. God knows. I can’t think about that now.’
I felt a pang of regret about our lovely little home. We’d spent so long choosing colours together, splashing out on a Farrow & Ball cobalt blue for the hall, a matte slate grey for the kitchen. I thought about the bits of furniture we’d bought, the plant pots and rugs and picture frames we’d treated ourselves to. What would I take with me, I wondered: what was his and what was mine?
‘No, Han. No. Look, don’t do anything rash. Please. Nothing has to change.’
‘It does, Si.’
‘I still love you. And I know I’ve fucked up and I know how much I’ve hurt you. But you’re still the person I love most in the world and I’ll do anything to make things right. It’s why I stopped drinking, so that nothing like this can ever happen again. I promise you, you can trust me, Han. You have to believe me.’
I had one last look around the room to check I’d picked up everything that was mine. I didn’t know what to make of his declarations of love and his heartfelt apologies. Were they genuine, or was it just that he couldn’t stand the idea of me leaving him?
‘Please, Hannah,’ he said, scrabbling in his bag. ‘There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you. I was going to do it in Venice but I bottled it because there was this huge thing I was keeping from you and it didn’t feel right. But I want to ask you now.’
I looked at him in horror as he produced the ring box and crawled in my direction, coming to a stop in front of me with one knee bent.
‘Hannah, will you––’
‘Don’t,’ I said, putting my hand out to stop him.
‘Please, I love you and I––’
‘No, Si.’ I said. ‘You can’t propose to someone like this!’
He staggered to his feet and threw himself between me and the door, holding out his arms to stop me getting past.
‘Let’s talk some more. See if we can’t sort through this. Work something out. This can’t be the end, Han, it can’t.’
All I could hear was our breath, the ragged ins and outs of it.
‘Please, Si. Just let me go.’
