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‘What is wrong with you? How could you keep this from your family, from your own girlfriend? That’s not what you do in relationships, Si! And now you’ve lost her, look, she’s walking away and I don’t blame her. I don’t blame her at all.’
I stood watching them for a while, wondering what to do, how to make things better for Catherine, because I felt guilty, now, that she had to hear this stuff about her brother on her wedding day. If I’d just kept quiet, put a brave face on it, she could have enjoyed herself without all of this. My only hope was that she’d go back inside, find Jasper, forget about me, get back to her celebration.
I picked up my suitcase and walked away, down the driveway to the street beyond, bumping my suitcase over the cobbles.
‘Hannah, wait!’
I sighed, turning round. Si was there, bent at the waist, his breath ragged.
‘Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?’ he said, looking up at me with a look of desperation in his eyes. ‘I’ll beg if you like. Is that what you want?’
‘For God’s sake.’
‘Aren’t I allowed to make a mistake?’
‘It’s a pretty big mistake,’ I said.
A tram screeched to a halt at the stop on the corner. I heard its doors hiss open.
‘Anyway, it’s not just that,’ I said, wondering how much to tell him. It didn’t seem fair to make him think that he was entirely responsible for what our relationship had become. ‘It’s more that we don’t communicate. About anything, Si.’
‘What do you mean?’ he asked.
A small crowd had gathered in the courtyard. I noticed Pauline was desperately trying to usher them inside.
‘We don’t really know each other, not properly,’ I said. ‘We don’t tell each other anything. I think we’ve presented these watered-down versions of ourselves to each other. And that once we started, we couldn’t stop.’
He laughed. ‘You’re not serious.’
I went to walk away.
‘Sorry!’ he said. ‘Go on, I’m listening.’
‘Look, it’s not the fact that you hit Dave that bothers me. Ok, it bothers me a bit. But it’s more that you didn’t feel able to tell me. That you created this web of lies to keep it from me, and for what? This can’t be how you want to live your life, Si. What kind of partnership is that?’
He looked so deflated, I almost started to feel sorry for him.
‘Also, I met someone,’ I said. I’d have to tell him some time, it was only fair. ‘In Paris.’
He did an exaggerated double take. ‘What?’
‘Nothing happened, before you go mad. We just talked. We walked around Paris and we talked. About our parents, our pasts, our hopes for the future.’
‘I knew you weren’t at the station when you called me!’
‘You don’t even know that I’ve been to Paris before, do you? That there was a whole lot of stuff to do with my dad. Because you’ve never asked.’
‘That makes it all right, then, does it, for you to go off with some French idiot as soon as my back’s turned? Did you do it on purpose, then? Get on the wrong bit of the train?’
I took a deep breath. ‘This isn’t getting us anywhere, Si.’
‘Well, knowing you’re not perfect either is making me feel much better,’ he said nastily.
‘Great. Glad I could be of service.’
I turned and carried on down the driveway. ‘And don’t follow me this time,’ I shouted over my shoulder.
