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47
Rebecca
I grabbed a table near the back of Bar Monaco. A few minutes later, Val came over with the drinks.
‘Are you still off wine, then?’ I asked, glancing at her orange juice complete with straw.
‘Yes …’ she replied, looking enviously at my glass.
I’d wanted to tell her about Jack, but for some reason I’d needed to get it straight in my own head first. Other than at work, I’d barely seen her over the last couple of weeks and I was hardly going to tell her about my latest relationship disaster in the staff kitchen where gossipy ears lurked (i.e. Paul from Accounts).
‘So something’s happened,’ I said mysteriously.
‘Go on,’ she said.
I cleared my throat. ‘You know that guy Jack that we saw at Somerset House? My neighbour?’
‘Uh-huh.’
Val got her compact out and reapplied her glossy red lipstick. She was going to be the most glamorous mum on earth when the time came.
‘I invited him over for drinks.’
Val narrowed her eyes at me. ‘You slept with him, didn’t you?’
I put my head in my hands. ‘Yes. And I wish I hadn’t.’
‘Why?’ she said, looking at me and then in her compact mirror to check her lipstick hadn’t smudged.
‘Because I panicked and went all weird with him afterwards. And now it’s a nightmare living opposite him. And also, I think I might actually have feelings for him.’
Val closed her compact, frowning. ‘What do you mean you went “weird”?’
‘I pretended I wasn’t into it and practically pushed him out of the door,’ I replied.
It was mortifying. I kept replaying the scene over and over in my head and I still didn’t have a proper explanation, except that it had felt like I was doing the right thing at the time.
‘Oh, Becs,’ she said.
I shrugged. ‘We’d had a really nice evening as well. We’d shared all this stuff about ourselves. He makes me laugh. It felt like we really connected.’
‘What was the sex like?’ asked Val. ‘After months of timing it according to my cycle and having zero spontaneity, I’m desperate to hear how normal people do it.’
‘It was amazing,’ I said wistfully. ‘He’s really intense and kind of quietly sexy.’
Val fanned herself dramatically.
‘Shame I’ve gone and messed it all up,’ I added.
Val sat back and crossed her arms. ‘Why don’t you talk to him? Explain what happened?’
‘I don’t know …’
‘Tell him how much you like him and see what he says.’
‘I couldn’t …’
‘You have to,’ said Val with her serious face on. ‘The only way you’re going to get what you want is by being open with people. Show that vulnerable side you’ve buried so deep.’
‘But I’ll be completely humiliated if he says it’s too late and never wants to see me again.’
‘You’ll get over it,’ replied Val matter-of-factly, sucking up the last of her orange juice.
I looked at her as though she was mad, but deep down, I knew she was right. I swung back and forth in my head: the worst he could say was no, and he was moving out soon anyway, so it wasn’t like the humiliation would be sustained. And then I swung the other way and thought: what if he says he likes me too? It would mean starting over again, like I’d done with Dan. Trusting him; not being freaked out by the idea of letting someone into my life and then possibly having them leave me. Was it worth putting myself out there? And if I didn’t, could I potentially be missing out on something that would make me happier than I’d ever been in my life?
