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50
Jack
‘I was on my way to see you when I got the call,’ she explained.
I nodded. ‘I came back. As soon as I got your message. I didn’t think you ought to be on your own.’
She smiled. ‘You didn’t need to do that.’
She looked so sweet and beautiful with her hair up and her fringe swept to the side and her clothes that looked like pyjamas. I wanted to kiss her right there and then, but I knew I shouldn’t. She’d had a shock; it was probably the last thing she felt like doing. She had that perfume on again, the sexy, citrussy one. It brought back memories of the night we’d spent together. I remembered how I’d been able to taste it afterwards, when I was back at my own flat wondering what had gone wrong.
I gulped at my wine, trying to loosen my throat. Now she was here, how did I say what I wanted to say? I decided we needed some music on and got out my phone, flicking through my playlists.
‘What do you fancy listening to? Are you into indie? Electronic?’
She shrugged. ‘I don’t mind.’
I put a bit of Bat for Lashes on because I thought she’d like it and I’d always found her stuff filmic, like it could be the soundtrack to the sort of deeply emotional conversation that I wanted to have but wasn’t entirely sure I was capable of. The opening bars of their cover of ‘Boys of Summer’ blasted out of the speakers and I hurriedly turned the volume down, manically twiddling dials.
I turned to face her. It was now or never.
‘I meant it when I said I had a good time the other night,’ I said.
She looked uncomfortable. ‘I did, too.’
I looked at the floor, willing myself to carry on. ‘It’s just that I didn’t get that impression,’ I added. ‘I thought maybe you wished it hadn’t happened.’
She shook her head. ‘No. That’s not it. It was the loveliest night I’ve had for a long time.’
I ruffled my hair. ‘So what happened?’
She sighed. ‘I know it doesn’t make sense, but I acted strangely because I thought we’d had such a good time.’
I frowned at her. This sounded like an it’s not me it’s you style cop-out. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m scared of feeling things again. I’d shut all that off, I suppose, when I split up with Dan. It was easier to decide not to get close to anyone again. But then I met you and I found myself hoping I’d bump into you on the stairs. I started going out for runs thinking I might see you on the heath. I mean, I could have asked anyone to help me fix the lift, couldn’t I?’
I laughed. ‘Well, they wouldn’t have done half as good a job, let me just say.’
I steeled myself. I was just going to have to man up and be honest about my feelings for her, too.
‘I really like you,’ I said, looking into her eyes. ‘And I was the same as you, in a way. Not looking for anything. Thinking my career was enough, that a relationship would just complicate things. But the thing is, when I’m with you, I have this sort of clarity. You let me be myself. You make me feel good enough, which sounds a bit wanky, but it’s what I’ve always wanted to feel but never quite did before.’
She reached out and took my hand. ‘You’re more than good enough. Seriously, I don’t think you realise how amazing you are.’
I laced my fingers through hers. ‘I think about you all the time,’ I admitted. ‘Which is hard for me to say, because I’m basically battling this feeling that I’m going to make a fool of myself. That you’d never go for someone like me. I mean, I couldn’t be more different from that American guy. And I thought that if that was the sort of person you liked, then I’d be kidding myself that you could ever feel that way about me.’
She hung her head, breaking eye contact. ‘I can’t believe we’re being this honest with each other,’ she said.
I laughed, reaching out to stroke her hair. ‘Hard, isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ she groaned, ‘but I’m working on it.’
