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‘We slept together. Twice. And it’s not just sex, Becs. I really like her.’
I felt a sort of dull thudding inside my chest. When I swallowed it was so loud, I thought he must have heard it.
‘Right,’ I said, my voice barely more than a whisper.
‘And the thing is, it’s come out of the blue. I wasn’t looking for anything like that. I was happy here, with you, Becs.’
I threw the tea towel I was still clutching across the room and stood up.
‘So what changed?’ I said, raising my voice. ‘Did you get bored of me, was that it? You could have talked to me about it, Dan. It’s not easy, is it, when you’ve been together as long as we have. The excitement goes, I get that.’
‘It didn’t, though,’ protested Dan in a wobbly voice. ‘I never thought that, not until I met Karen.’ He started crying, then, his shoulders shaking. ‘The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, after everything you’ve been through.’
I went over to the window, looking out at the view I loved so much, wondering what would become of the life I’d started to build for myself here. In actual fact, I couldn’t imagine my life without Dan in it at all. Sixteen years we’d spent together and he was throwing it all away for a woman he’d known a matter of weeks.
‘What does she give you that I don’t then?’
He shook his head. ‘Don’t do this.’
‘I want to know,’ I demanded.
He put his head in his hands. ‘She’s … uncomplicated, I suppose. Easy-going. Fun. Open about her feelings. I’ve never had that before. I thought that the way we were – you and I – not talking about anything, burying everything under the carpet, was normal. But it’s not, Becs, or at least it’s not normal for me. I don’t want to live like that anymore.’
I wiped my nose on my sleeve, determined not to let him see how much he’d hurt me.
‘So you’re going to leave me, then, are you?’ I asked him.
He came to stand next to me, his eyes red, his cheeks tear-stained. ‘Yes, I think I am. I’m sorry, Becs. I’m so, so sorry.’
I got off the bus at South End Green, stepping out into the cold evening air, grateful that the heavy rain had turned to drizzle. I put my head down and walked up towards the heath, stopping at the newsagent by the overground station to buy a bottle of Shiraz and then carrying on up the hill. Dan’s words were ringing in my ears, even after all this time. I knew I didn’t talk about feelings, but that’s because they were too painful to think about half the time, so why would I? It had always been easier for me to keep stuff to myself, and I’d thought it would be easier for everyone else, too. But what if it wasn’t?
When I let myself into Marlowe Court and reached the third floor, Jack was there. He was crouched on his doormat with tools spread out all around him.
I pushed my matted, wet hair off my face instinctively. ‘Hello,’ I said.
He dropped a spanner on the floor with a clatter and looked round.
I picked it up for him. ‘Sorry if I made you jump.’
