AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I swallowed, knowing what he was going to say. ‘Sure.’
Jack leaned forward, re-tying one of his shoe laces. ‘How come you’re scared of hospitals? I mean, I don’t want to pry, and feel free to tell me to mind my own business. It’s just … I thought it might help to say it out loud.’
I knew this would happen. It always did when you started to get closer to someone and they told you stuff about their lives and you found it impossible to talk about your childhood or your past without mentioning the thing that had changed everything, that had affected every part of it.
I picked a daisy out of the grass and started pulling off its petals one by one.
‘My parents died,’ I told him. ‘Just before my eighth birthday.’
Jack didn’t say anything for what felt like ages.
‘Shit,’ he said eventually. ‘I’m so sorry.’
I nodded. It was apt that I should be telling him while we were sitting on the heath. I only had odd memories of my mum and dad: the night it happened, and a picnic here on the heath the summer before. Dad had played frisbee with me; Mum had been sunbathing with her straps down. We’d had cheese sandwiches and crisps and Dad had found a kiosk somewhere and had bought us all an ice-cream.
‘Thanks,’ I said.
After all these years, I still wasn’t sure how best to respond when someone offered their sympathy. Thanks for what? For a while I used to say it’s okay because I didn’t want the person to feel awkward, but then I realised that actually it wasn’t okay, so why was I saying it was?
‘What happened?’ asked Jack, looking across at me. His bare arm was brushing against the sleeve of my tracksuit. Perhaps it had been there all along and I hadn’t noticed.
‘There was a car accident,’ I said. ‘Black ice on the road. I was in the car with them, but I got off lightly in comparison: bruising and concussion and a broken collarbone. I was in hospital for a while myself, so I didn’t know what had happened straight away. I can’t remember it, but apparently my nan was the one to tell me. Our car had hit a tree and my parents had taken most of the impact. They’d both died instantly, the police said.’
Jack pinched the top of his nose. ‘Fucking hell.’
‘So yeah, I went to live with my nan and grandad after that. My mum’s parents. And my mum’s sister, Aunty Carol, was just round the corner. So I had people. I always felt very loved and they did their best to give me a good life. But, you know … it was never the same after.’
Jack took my hand and squeezed it really tight. ‘I wish there was something I could say to make it better,’ he said, looking out at the lake.
He let go of my hand and undid the top of his water bottle and took several mouthfuls.
‘Sorry to depress you,’ I said. ‘I bet you weren’t expecting that.’
I stood up, rotating my shoulders.
He shielded his eyes from the sun. ‘I’m glad you told me. And I understand now,’ he replied. ‘About the hospital. It must bring everything back.’
‘Yeah,’ I admitted. ‘Even though I’ve got no memory of the accident itself, sometimes I get flashbacks, just these weird, disjointed images. It’s triggered by sound usually. Ambulance sirens are the worst.’
‘I guess that’s because of the trauma,’ remarked Jack.
I’d heard that word bandied about over the years, but had never known what to do with it. How was someone supposed to get over a trauma? It was always going to be there, wasn’t it?
‘I should get back to my run,’ I said.
‘I thought you’d finished?’ said Jack, looking confused.
‘Feel like doing a couple more kilometres,’ I replied.
Exercise helped. After the accident, Nan had signed me up for as many clubs as she could afford – swimming and netball and gymnastics – because she wanted me to live as normal a life as possible, to be joyful again and to spend time around other children. It worked on and off. Of course, you couldn’t be completely joyful when you’d suddenly lost the two people you’d loved most in the world.
Jack nodded, observing me quietly.
‘If you ever want to talk about it,’ he began, ‘I’d like to hear more. I know it’s probably difficult to put into words. But you could try. If you like?’
I smiled at him. Nobody had ever said anything like that to me before, not even Dan. I think people assumed it would be too painful for me to talk about and so avoided mentioning it altogether. Their intentions were coming from a good place, I got that, but it always made me feel ten times more alone with it all.
I hesitated before I turned to jog down the hill, back towards the lake.
