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“Who said we can’t ask God questions? Before Jesus went to the cross, he asked more than once to let the cup pass from him which basically means, ‘I don’t want to do this. Is there another way?’ When Jesus was on the cross, he asked, ‘why have you forsaken me?’ So, ask away. Sometimes you will get an answer, and sometimes you won’t, but God doesn’t mind you asking. He understands that you will be confused, angry, frustrated and every other human emotion. He made you remember?”
Averie
Three weeks after the shooting…
“Are you good, Vivian or would you like for me to get you some water or tea?”
“No, I’m good. Thank you.”
Vivian and I were sitting in Samuel’s hospital room quietly doing our own thing. She was writing something in her notebook, and I was going over some trial materials I’d just received. We’d fallen into a routine of spending evenings together with Samuel, enjoying each other’s company and not really feeling the need to always talk. I was already fond of Vivian but watching the way she cared for Samuel made me appreciate her even more. She loved him but didn’t treat me like her competition.
“Samuel wasn’t a mistake or an accident,” Vivian said.
I looked up from my computer to give her my attention.
“He wasn’t,” she nodded. “I planned and prayed for him. I watched Reggie for years hoping he would notice me. I went to every rally he hosted. I attended every speaking event he had and volunteered at every outreach program he organized. I remember the day I realized I had his attention. It was at a rally for an increase in minimum wage. My job was to make sure all the speakers had water and knew when it was their turn to speak. I handed Reggie his water and turned to walk away, but he caught me by my wrist and said, ‘Thank you, Viv,’ and smiled. I almost passed out,” she chuckled.
“I didn’t know he knew my name! I mean we grew up in primarily the same neighborhood, but he wasReginald Elkanah. That name meant something, you know? I know you met him, so you see that even behind bars he has a presence. The kids call it swag. Anyway, after that, he would find small assignments in the organization to keep me close, but I’d started dating Avis, Torrey’s dad and he was with someone at the time too. The attraction was undeniable, but I was a one-man type of girl. I got pregnant with Torrey and thought any chance I had with Reggie had passed. Then Avis died in a motorcycle accident shortly after Torrey was born and that was our chance. I wanted Reggie, and I wanted his child. I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a whore, but it wasn’t about trapping him. I just wanted a piece of him, forever. Even if I couldn’t have him, I could have a part of him. We started a relationship, and we loved each other for real. He was serious about his views on the community. The passion he had for seeing us as a people come up turned me on. We didn’t tell a lot of people about our relationship because he had started getting threats and he didn’t want to put me in danger. I didn’t get a chance to tell him that I was pregnant before he left without telling me. It was like one minute he was there and the next he wasn’t. I was devastated and livid! I thought he didn’t love me. I thought maybe I wasn't militant enough or more aware. I didn’t know. When the mind is left to wonder, it can come up with some horrible scenarios. I had my baby, and when they put him in my arms, all I saw was the man that I loved. I saw Reggie. I named my baby Samuel for two reasons. One because I prayed and asked God for him just like Hannah did in the Bible. Second is because in the Bible Samuel's father name was Elkanah which is Reggie's last name. And I could call him by his father's name and never have to explain it. Samuel means asked of God, or God has heard. Samuel, in the Bible, was not a king, he was a kingmaker which meant he had unlimited power. That’s why I know he is going to pull through this. His very existence was in God’s plan, and I know the plan has not been fulfilled.”
“Can I ask you something? If it’s not my business just say so.”
“I don’t have anything to hide, anymore.”
“Why didn’t you tell El who his biological father was?”
“Honestly? I was afraid. I was scared he would hate me for not telling him from the beginning. I kept telling myself that this would be the year I would tell him the truth but those years came and went. I’m sure he told you when he met Reggie, right?”
“Yes, in prison.”
“Yes, Torrey and I were waiting for Samuel to come into the visiting room but Reggie made it to the table first. He was just as handsome as the last time I’d seen him. I knew it was time, to tell the truth because he knew Samuel was his as soon as he looked at him. He couldn’t deny him even if he wanted to. Samuel looks exactly like him.”
“That’s what I said when I met him. Samuel carries himself like Reggie and everything.”
“He does,” Vivian laughed. “But after Samuel found out, he never treated me any differently. He still treats me like I walk on water and can turn water into wine. He is so special to me.”
“Me too,” I rubbed Samuel’s hand and it felt a little cold, so I put it under the blanket, “I don’t know what I would do without him, Vivian. He has to get better.”
“He will, sweetheart. He will.”
Averie
Four weeks after the shooting…
“Hello?”
I opened my eyes upon hearing someone entering the room. Torrey and Vivian had left to take care of some things leaving me alone with Samuel. I must have dozed off.
“Hi,” I stood to my feet recognizing the two people who entered the room.
“Averie?”
“Yes?”
“I am Zanetta, Xavier’s sister.”
“I know who you are.” I was trying my best not to fangirl on her. I’d just listened to one of her podcasts earlier in the day. “I listen to your podcasts all the time.”
“You do?”
