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“I felt alone. It felt like no one understood the pain I was going through. I felt like I was such a failure because I couldn’t hold on to him. I didn’t know what I’d did wrong. He was so little and defenseless. It was my job to keep him safe, and I couldn’t do it,” Keeva cried.
I pulled her into a hug, held on tight, and cried with her.
“Kerem, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to lose him,” Keeva said between sobs.
“It wasn’t your fault. The doctor said it wasn’t your fault. I never blamed you,” I responded.
We cried together until we both calmed down.
“Heartbreak and pain are not uncommon to God. When Jesus went to visit his friend Lazarus, who had died three days before, Jesus wept at his tomb. If Jesus cried and mourned, then we should know it’s okay for us to mourn and be sad too. The misnomer that someone has to be strong for the other during times of grief is unfortunate and inaccurate. You can and should grieve together. Just like you’ve committed to making your marriage work, commit to helping each other mourn and heal,” Elisa said.
“It’s important for you to continue this conversation about Kade. He is still a part of you even though he is not here physically. It’s okay to let yourself feel the pain of the loss,” JD said.
“I just didn’t know if I had the right to feel so sad because Kade wasn’t alive to anyone except for me,” Keeva said.
“He was alive to me too,” I amended.
“I know that now but at the time, I didn’t know,” Keeva said.
“Loss is loss, period. No one can tell you how to mourn or how to feel. You created a beautiful life together. You had plans, dreams, and aspirations even though he wasn’t here yet. When you don’t see any of those things happen, you have to reconcile that. Hiding from each other and trying to be strong for the other person caused both of you to feel alone when in reality, you were not,” JD said.
* * *
We rode home from the therapy session in silence. I didn’t know how to approach the subject or what to do to break the ice. Then I thought about how my silence aided in our breakdown of communication, I decided to just talk.
“We messed this up, didn’t we?”
“Yeah, we really did,” she responded.
“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about Kade. We could’ve made it through this together instead of both of us feeling alone.”
“I’m sorry too. I knew you wanted kids because we’d talked about it, but something made me feel like you had changed your mind and didn’t want me to carry your children since I couldn’t hold on to Kade. Then I…” she paused.
“What?”
“I…thought that you may have gotten with Tara because I lost Kade.”
“Baby,” I pulled the car onto a parking lot, turned the engine off and turned to Keeva. “First, WE lost Kade. It wasn’t anything that we did wrong. He was just too perfect for this world. Second, Tara didn’t have anything that you lacked. Me sleeping with her was not thought out or calculated on my part. It was a stupid action that didn’t have anything to do with you and everything to do with me. I don’t want anyone to carry my children except for you. I want a son that smiles like you and a daughter with that Patterson woman attitude. I promise you that Tara cannot and will never hold a candle to you. I hadn’t mentioned trying again because you got on birth control, so I thought that was your way of telling me that you didn’t want to try again.”
“No, I will stop those pills right now. I want to try again,” Keeva said.
“Seriously? Even with the Carter about to be in progress?”
“I can do both. What I can’t handle I will pass off to an assistant. I’ve been hiding behind work anyway. I will give up all of this to bring one healthy baby that looks like you into this world.”
“I need to get you home, then. We have some work to do.”
The End
Epilogue
“It’s been so long since we’ve been to a Cardinals game,” I said after we’d settled in our seats.
“I know. I’ve been wanting to come back, but our schedules and the Cards schedules just didn’t jive,” Kerem responded.
“I wish they hadn’t torn down the old stadium then we could’ve sat in the seats we sat in when you proposed.”
“These are in the same place just a different stadium. I think these are better, though.”
