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“No it’s not! It’s a name. I was going to say, Jesus, please look after this child who is going to make me so poor that I have to live on the streets. I wasn’t swearing.” But Jesus is she sharp. I pull my wallet out of my back pocket and pull out a tenner. I think that’ll cover it, so I shove it into her empty jar. The little girl's eyes go wide with wonder. She shakes the jar and then her bottom lip trembles like she’s going to cry.
“Shit, what’s wrong?” I rush out. Raven is going to fucking hate me if I make her kid cry.
“N-n-naughty word,” she sobs as huge fat tears roll down her face. Fuck me but doesn’t my heart just clench at the sight.
“Phoenix honey,” Raven says getting down to her level and holding her hands in both of hers. “Copy me.” She starts to take long slow breaths in and then she lets them out in a noisy whoosh. It takes two breaths before the child joins in but it calms her down and stops her crying. “Now tell me what’s wrong,” she prompts when Phoenix is finally calm enough to speak.
“The jar doesn’t rattle.” Her huge green eyes fill up with tears again and I feel like the biggest shit in the world. Clearly, you can’t use money to buy over children. I thought she’d be impressed with the higher value note. Obviously not. Before she can get all worked up again, Raven gives Phoenix a quick kiss and grabs her purse.
“Easily rectified baby girl,” she tells her, and she drops some coppers into the jar along side my note. The little girl tentatively shakes the jar again and when it jingles satisfactorily her whole face lights up and she races off to play.
“That was amazing,” I tell Raven, a little bit awe-struck by how good she was with her.
“Reb, you can’t buy my kid. That tenner is more than I have to spend on groceries in a week.”
Horror fills me at her words when I look in her eyes - why didn’t I notice how tired they were before now? - and see that she’s telling the truth. Fuck.
“Fuck.”
The giggle and rattle of the swear jar behind me draws my attention so I turn to address that first. I carefully squeeze past the small dining table, which, now that I look at it, seems like it’ll come crashing down as easily as the rickety old chair did if I even blow on it. Once safely past, I let out my breath and crouch down on the floor by Phoenix.
“I’m sorry I don’t have any noisy money with me right now, but if I give you a whole heap of paper money can I have a free pass on the swearing until I leave? Consider it paying in advance or something for the next time I come around.”
“...okay?” she tells me uncertainly.
I pull out my wallet again and grab all the notes that are in there. I don’t have a fucking clue how much is in there, but I shove the whole lot into her jar without any regrets.
“Reb-” I can hear the chastisement in Rae’s voice coming from the kitchen.
“Leave it, Rae. Let the kid get an ice cream or something.”
“Mummy! Can I really get an ice cream? Do I have enough?”
“You do baby, yes.” She sighs but I don’t get it. Phoenix is so happy now, why isn’t she smiling?
“Can we go?”
“Maybe at the weekend when I’m not working baby, okay?”
Her face falls a little and I feel the pain that flashes through Raven’s eyes as we both watch Phoenix and my heart twists. Shit. I thought I was helping but I get the feeling I’ve seriously fucked up right now.
“Listen, I think I need to head off. Rae, see me out?” She nods. “Bye, Phoenix. I hope I can see you again soon.”
“Come for ice cream! He can, can’t he mummy?”
“We’ll see,” she says at the same time I say, “Absolutely.” Luckily, I’m that bit louder than she is and the little girl’s face lights up. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I feel like putting smiles on both their faces is my new obsession. I guess I need a new one when my obsession for the last few years has been finding Raven. I walk towards the door and step outside, motioning for Raven to follow me. She does, and I pull the door closed behind us.
“Baby.” Shit that slipped out a little too easily. I try again. “Raven, can I help?” I leave it there because she knows what I’m offering and I don’t want to piss her off too much. I fully expect her to hit me just for offering.
“Thanks, Reb, but no.” She shakes her head, voice soft, eyes sad.
“Baby, please…” I practically beg but she shakes her head again. “Why not?”
“Because it’s too hard. I’ve had help in the past and it’s great while it’s there, but it never lasts. And it’s so much harder to go back to how things were before, when you’ve had nice things.”
“How about I just get some basic groceries? Some meat, fresh fruit and veg...” Her words have twisted a knife in my gut and now I feel a compulsion to help them both.
“That’s the nice things I was talking about, Reb,” she tells me sadly and my heart fucking breaks. I can tell she isn’t going to budge on this so I let it drop. I’m going to get the biggest mother fucking food delivery sent direct to the house so that she can’t argue with me. I’ll set it up as a regular delivery too so she never has to go without. Kids need fresh produce and shit, somewhere to sit and eat. I’ll get a new chair too. May as well get a matching set. My mind starts to race off thinking of all the ways I can take care of them and it’s only when Raven gives a soft little cough that I’m brought back to the present.
